Well...I had the most honest and hard discussion of my life. It was more hard honesty jam packed into a short period of time..than I have ever done. I lied. Big time. And I came clean. I didn't have to. I could have taken the easy way out...they would have never known. But I also knew that if I did that..I would be forgoing forgiveness for my lies...and true honesty...which allows a person to really know you...and hopefully really genuinely like you and be good friends. Intimacy was the clincher for me. I might have been friends..but I never would have had intimacy. Because he never would have known me. I feel terrible for what I've done. But I feel good for switching directions and determining..that it didn't matter how far down the rosy-colored-road of liars-are-us...I was on...I had to turn around. And be the kind of person that I want to be. An honest and genuine person. Who makes mistakes but owns them and tries to make good on them. There's no real learning from your mistakes if you don't acknowledge them in the bright light of day. So here I am...honest..scared....and hoping that all this honesty pays off...and isn't just the biggest mistake of my life! Strategically...I can see that lying made more sense. It allowed me a position of power and manipulation. I was the only player in the game who knew all of the moves..I knew mine...and the moves of the other players...But I hope to become the kind of person who doesn't need to rely on *War Strategies*....when dealing with affairs of the heart...or anyone really. I have lost touch with my inner buddha nature. And I'm getting it back. I've created a heaping load of bad karma...Now let's hope that my ideals...are worth owning up to it. I'm a dirty stinking liar..but I've finally come clean. I hate myself...but I hope I won't forever. He already told me in a way that he would or did forgive me. Let's hope he means it. On a related note...I don't think Joshua and I are going to be friends...not that I don't want to be..it's just that I don't know that he'll be as forgiving as the other guy. Fuck! Don't lie! It's just not worth it. I am so stupid..If I could only be the person I know is in me..be an amazing and inspiring woman. My life would be cake. Even with all the hardships...my life would be different. -Better. I am not wasting this "fuck it all" momentum...I plan to later on..go see my friend Bree...and lay it on the line..that I still think she's doing drugs and that I don't want to be her friend until she stops. Yay! It's burn the bridges day...or get what I want...even though it's hard work day. I don't know which?
- Mood:
scared
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