Insubordination

May 22nd, 2008; 9:38 PM

Current mood:content

I wrote Oshyan. It was a brief IM. I saw that he was online. So I basically said: Remember back when we were friends? And you actually asked me what I would do if something ever happened...If *you* didn't make the effort to keep in touch...would I? And what would I do..if you didn't respond? (Which is basically where we are now.) I had told him that I would keep trying. I would keep writing him. And joke about needing internet deodorant..(A joke he made to me after I stopped writing him for a few months.) Back then, he kept persisting. He wrote me even though I completely cut off communication. I didn't do it maliciously. I wasn't angry. But I did withdraw. And he persued our friendship even then. Even after not hearing from me for something like 4 months! He didn't know what had happened then. For all he knew, I just didn't like him anymore, or who knows what. But he still put himself out there because he wanted to be my friend. He missed me. In our conversation (over a year after that) he asked me if I would ever do the same for him? If I would persue *his* friendship like that. He was fishing. He wanted to know that his friendship was valued by me. That I liked him enough to want to be friends with him always, no matter what may come. -I do. I miss him. It's funny how when things are good, you can't imagine anything that would be so hard to forgive or overcome that you just wouldn't be able to have that person in your life. Especially if you have a great friendship. You believe in your own abilities to connect and be understood and loved. You believe in your friendship, and the love and bond between you. When you lose rapport with a person though, all of that belief goes away. And you dont' know what to believe in. So commonly, we resort to believing in the worst. Believing that it all meant nothing. Or that we were wrong about who that person really was. It is easy to believe that the good stuff must have been a dream. It couldn't have really happened, otherwise how did we end up here? Where is my friend? Who I still love and respect? Who I still want to talk to almost every day? Who I want to have around to share my victories and defeats with? Where is my long lost friend? And when will he be coming home?