Really now. I sometimes find myself wondering *WHY* I even attempt to be friends with Joshua. He has a long standing history of *not* coming correct. He doesn't just do this with me, he does this with his so called best friends, his father, his work (previously), his "guild" (total dork!), and pretty much anyone he comes into contact with given enough time and experience. I know we all have moments like this. I do too. It is a fact unfortunately, that if you know me and are my friend long enough, I will eventually do something inconsiderate. I never have the intention of hurting peoples feelings..and I usually make good on the things that I do wrong. I think mistakes are all just a part of being human. So..with the occasional mistake, I am more than understanding and forgiving because I do it too. But with Joshua..geeze...It's more like a deep seeded psychological problem. He is destructive to himself. It's almost a compliment to have him *not* see what a cool person I am and how lucky he is to have me as a friend. So much of the time he isolates himself and when he does surround himself..it's with people who look the other way while he self destructs. -Not exactly good friends in my book. One particular person...his current and longtime best friend (who happens to be a girl who has had the most enourmous crush on him since like FOREVER and was a total thorn in my side throughout my 3 and a half year relationship!), is actually "KNOWN" for how awkward and unsociable she is. In some ways she promotes and relishes in this identity. Her tag on myspace is something like "Grumpy". And she's always saying things like: "I'm grumpy. ...I'm in a bad mood today. ...I'm in a "funk". ...It's grump day." Well Woo fucking Hoo! Who wants to even be around people like that?! -I don't. But for Joshua...people like that are like home. I think it's a sickness really. Those are not the *uplifting* sorts that I would want to foster deep and lasting friendships with...but hey...that's just me...and that's just my preference. *sigh* I don't know! I am definitely "challenging my Buddha-nature" here folks. But beyond spirituality and trying to overcome obstacles..particularly with regards to my relationship with Joshua...(I only want a friendship)...I have my "rational side". The thinker in me...who says things like: "Fuck friendship! Fuck Buddha-nature! This DOUCHE doesn't deserve you in ANY WAY. He didn't love you and cherish you as a girlfriend. And he doesn't cherish you as a friend. He really isn't the kind of person you would even want to be friends with if you met him today and had no prior history...He's opinionated but ignorant..(a very bad combination). His friends are about as friendly and cheerful as the black plague. WHY even try?! Is my *trying* my own sickness?? -Perhaps.
annoyed
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