I am now officially the most romantically confused person on the planet. I have been thinking about this a lot in the last two days. And what keeps coming back to me is that I really miss Joshua. I miss him much more so than Oshyan. I've been talking to every trusted confidante I can because frankly...this is driving me crazy. I was really sure that I was not in love with Joshua anymore. And when he told me that he was still in love with me, I was fine. I still felt like I was not in love with him anymore. But then again...I had the pleasure of his company then. I got to see him and talk to him as much as I wanted then. And now I'm just not so sure how I feel. I love him. I love seeing him and talking to him and spending time with him. When I have a bad day or something goes wrong, there's no one's comfort that feels as good to me than his. (and please don't psychobabble this statement..because yes, yes, *my own* comfort does in fact happen...and does come first...I can comfort myself...but c'mon...outside of myself....the person I want to run to is him.) I wish right now that I was in his arms. And that he was hugging me and we were laughing. And *not* having him in my life is a wretched thought. I love having him near me, and sharing things with him. Cooking together. Playing games together and watching movies. And yes...I love cuddling with him. And the sex...when we were in a solid relationship was awesome. I long to kiss him. I long to see him and nuzzle him. And my heart aches without him around. He is one of my dearest friends. I can't seem to stop crying these past two days. Basically he can't be around me right now because it hurts him too much. It hurts him because he wants to be with me. He wants to kiss me and see me and talk to me all the time. -And I do too. It hurts me to not be around him. Very much so. I am so confused. My therapist (I know...you're thinking...thank god she's at least in therapy! ;-)) Anyhoo...she asked me if I could only be friends with one of them...which one would I choose? And logically...if I was to only make the decision using my mind...it would be Oshyan. He is the person who I believe would be a "higher quality" friend to me. But my heart would say Joshua. -Hands down. By a mile. Losing Oshyan does not impact me as much as losing Joshua. There's no comparison. Not even remotely. And then I'm wondering then why didn't I talk to him then...when he told me that he was still in love with me? Why did I not let any of this surface? Or get angry at him for saying it? I really didn't feel it on the surface then. I have felt it very acutely though since he has been absent from my life. I am crestfallen. He doesn't know any of this. The last he knew was that I just wanted to be friends with him. And that I was not in love with him...nor would I "ever" be in love with him again (I guess I didn't know what I was talking about.) My mind tells me that the best thing to do is to not contact him. And not tell him any of this. To let it go. It will pass...and to get to a point where I don't feel so wretched and emotional. To find my equilibrium again. And *if*...*IF* he is in fact the one...then it will still work out then. Nothing is lost by being patient and calm. -It is smart to make *healthy* decisions. ...but my heart is saying: "Fuck that shit! Run to him! Give him your heart! You love the boy...so just go for it! You could be throwing away the love of your life." Joshua is the big love of my life. -that's for sure.
confused
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