I love you momma. I really do. I wish all of this wasn't happening. I want so much to be small again and wrap myself up in your lap, with your warm and soothing arms hugging me, calming my hair. Smoothing my back. Making everything all right again in just a moment. I wish life was that simple again. I hate being an adult. I hate all of the problems that come with it. I wish my spirit wasn't broken like it is. I wish I was brave like I used to be. I wish I felt good like I used to feel. I used to melt into bed, exhausted from a day filled with running, playing, and laughter. I had the best imagination and I always thought of good things then. Now I feel haunted by worries and fears. Even my childhood home became something distorted by my present day fears. I don't know how to escape this. I want so much to be brave and feel happy again. I need to break through all of this. I want the impossible. I want you to be here with me. I want us both to be happy and healthy. I want you to be wise and be my mom again. I miss you so much. I don't know what I'm going to do when you are gone. And I also don't know how to get through this right now. Every prospect seems sad and hopeless to me. I need to rise from this depression and get ahold of my senses.
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"I think that you will have a wonderfull life!
And I think that down the road you are going to finish college.
And then I want you to find a wonderful guy. One that deserves you. One that doesn't drink. One that doesn't smoke. One that is totally in it for you. One that likes to laugh with you, and go for walks with you, and spend time with you. I love you baby.
I hope you have the right guy just waiting for you..who will always be with you. I wish I could type like you, I'd type stories for you. I love you baby. "
~Mom
sad
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