I have to let go of the past. This is one major life lesson that will aid in my persuit of happiness. Part of why I feel so bad about the now, is compared to the past, it really isn’t good. I am focusing on all of the things that make me feel bad. All of the ways that I don’t do a good enough job. When I need to feel empowered to make life great.
If my mom had told me that at 30 or even 40, she had nothing. Had lost everything. I would have still believed in her. It would have been frustrating to me, if she couldn’t see in her what I saw. And how she had her whole life ahead of her, and that she was so smart, and capable of making her life into what she wanted. I need to do that for myself. Now.
I remember after the divorce, she came out here to California, and was getting ready to buy a home. There was a beautiful house around the corner from my grandparents house. It had a granny unit, with a fireplace in the granny unit. I thought it was great and encouraged my mom to make a bid on it. Grandma and Grandpa would have helped her with it. Hell, they could have bought the house for her if she had asked it, and financed her mortgage personally. She was too scared. She didn’t believe in herself. That house was too nice for what she thought she deserved. So, she ended up paying too much for a condo on the wrong side of town. Our condo was so close to the railroad tracks that when a train went by, all of our windows would shake and rattle. It got to a point, where we wouldn’t even notice it, but our visitors were horrified. "How can you live like this?" they’d ask. We were just used to it.
If my mom had just believed in herself, she could have bought that house that was so wonderful. (It was only about 10 thousand more than the crappy condo she ended up buying, and the condo had HOA dues, whereas the house did not) I could have grown up in a neighborhood that was nice and safe, and my version of *normal* would be different. It would be elevated. There is so much common abuse and stress in ghetto’s. That’s not to say that there isn’t everywhere, but it just seems more common in ghetto's for people to do crazy things, and act in violent ways, where they are all crammed in and struggling. People lie, and steal, and destroy for the sake of destroying because that is all they know, and their only little piece of power in this world. I don’t want to know that world of animalistic behavior anymore, and yet I am tied to it with the duplex. Sadly, the duplex helps us pay for the house that we live in, and without it, I don't think we could afford to live here. Unless I made some changes.
There was an earthquake this morning. It was short, but our house shook violently. I found myself wishing that my mother and I would be killed instantly. I would never want to leave her alone in this world. But I am so tired of things being so hard and of swallowing the pain of one failure after another. I am losing hope, to the point where a quick and sudden death sounds nice. Anyone can die for someone, but it takes so much more strength and grit to really live for someone. I need to do that. I need to push harder than I’ve ever pushed before in my life.
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