January 18th, 2009; 11:18 PM
I swear I feel like an alien when I'm around you and your friends. Which is so preposterous of me to say, particularly after going all around the world, only to find that people are just people. -We are all the same, no matter where you go. We all just want to love and be loved in return. People have such simple needs, and yet we convolute them so swiftly. We hide what we think and need and want. We never tell the truth to those that we adore the most. Why, that would be just too scary and naked and raw. It would expose us. To what? -We don't know. It could be to something magnificent. Or it could be to the worst kind of pain and ridicule, so we dare not risk it. It is far safer to keep our hearts hidden, then to die of exposure.
I swear I feel like an alien when I'm around you and your friends. Which is so preposterous of me to say, particularly after going all around the world, only to find that people are just people. -We are all the same, no matter where you go. We all just want to love and be loved in return. People have such simple needs, and yet we convolute them so swiftly. We hide what we think and need and want. We never tell the truth to those that we adore the most. Why, that would be just too scary and naked and raw. It would expose us. To what? -We don't know. It could be to something magnificent. Or it could be to the worst kind of pain and ridicule, so we dare not risk it. It is far safer to keep our hearts hidden, then to die of exposure.
But Spring always comes again. It is born out of the coldest winters. You and I have no chance for resurrection. Why we are lucky to even be here in the same car. And imagine, me, here, in your lap, on your birthday! Why who would have thought it possible? Only two years ago, you wouldn't even invite me to your birthdays. Didn't even acknowledge that we were lovers, or even friends. And yet here we are. (Surrounded on all sides by the enemy.) It is good to see all of your friends again. But whenever I am around them, everything becomes so staccato. Things that are normally easy for me become difficult, unless I think of them as perfect strangers. Then, I can let my light shine. If I don't think about all of our past and lord knows what they have been told about me...then I can just relax and be. This has been a growing experience for me. Every year, I shed away one more layer of innocence and openness. I understand more and more, by and by, how women end up the way my Grandmama is. Don't get me wrong; I adore the woman. But she has always conducted herself with an underlying sense of strategy, guiding her every move. When I was a child, I used to hate that about her. I just wanted her to be real. Let down her guard, and be authentic. But now I see what happens to a woman when she does that. Why, she gets fed to the wolves. It's not worth it. It is better to live with cunning, and give your softness to those who earn your trust and deserve it; than to be open to attack from anyone who feels like it.
At the end of this evening, I doubt very much that we will ever see each other again. We have nothing in common. And our destinies will take us to different places on the map. But I want you to know, that for as much as I've hated you -and believe me, I've hated you! ...I've also loved you and more. You are my first love. My longest standing love. And were it not for our romantic connection, we would still be friends. Now that's gotta count for something?
No comments:
Post a Comment