I talked to Mister Bourque Bolin Queen just now. And it was boo how.
Too bad. Oh well. Let it go. Shake it off and keep on going. Life is full of moments like this. Times where you can see very clearly that there is a better way. That there is a path through all of this crap with stops along the way at: forgiveness, compassion, redemption, and trust all on the way to the final destination of friendship. But for whatever reason..if the other person or persons who have to travel that journey too with you decide that they don't want to...you can't make them. If all that he can see is a lose/lose scenario...then I guess it's the best that he can do. It really sucks though because I see it as completely unnecessary. This really brings me back to my thoughts on world peace. If one country wants to have peace with a neighboring country...but that other country just seems to think it's impossible then I guess at that point it is not possible...that's not to say that I fully agree that it *is* in fact impossible -I don't. I just see that it is not possible -Right Now. Anyhoo...world peace is a slow process. I want to quit. I am sick of extending the laurel wreath and having it broken time and time again. I hate having my transgressions made into HUGE UNFORGIVABLE TERRIBLE THINGS!! Oooooooh...but having the things that are done to me.. (Many of which are *considerably* more awful than anything I've ever done! IMO.) be lightly touched on for a few moments...barely glossed over...barely even acknowledged and then quickly and easily forgotten by him. That frankly sucks. Joshua doesn't forgive. And he doesn't make right the things that he does. So that in itself is a recipe for failure. As Jodi would say: The boy was "made of fail." It is a bad dynamic that we have also because I *do* forgive. I *do* try to let things go. I am bringing up the glossing over crap now because it had occurred to me that part of the problem in our dynamic is how we handle transgressions. *I* want to get through it as quickly as possible. I want to talk to the person who has hurt me asap. so that we can work it out and I can feel better about it. I HATE to let things sit. It is soooooooo not how I would prefer to handle things. But I also HATE HATE HATE to fail. I do not like to know that there can be a happy ending for us *all* and *not* have that happen. I am not a big fan of the tragic ending -particularly when it doesn't have to go down that way! He however does seem to be a fan of the tragic ending. That's his whole fucking life story. How this happened to him...then that happened to him..then she did this to me....then he did that to me....boo fucking hoo! I don't want to listen to that crap anymore! Get on with it already! If you can't forgive me for all that I've done to you....then I guess there's nothing much I can do about it. I've already apologized -repeatedly. I've even groveled and cried in my less than dignified moments. I've given considerable thought to my actions and tried to see things from your perspective. I've read copious books on forgiveness, compassion, having the right attitude, and communication. I've seen my therapist and talked ad. nauseum about all of this stuff and the parts of me that I want to change so that I can be a better person...so that this won't happen anymore...and so that hopefully I will be good enough for you to love and forgive and be my friend. I give up! But back to how we handle transgressions...I can be very intense initially. I like to talk about it and get it out and over with. But then I do a pretty good job of letting it go. I do not hold a grudge about it if it's been worked out. I feel in some ways that this part of me has been taken advantage of or at least not appreciated. When we talk about the things that he did or does that hurt me, I don't get as demonstrative as he does anymore. It's one of the things that I had been working on for myself. I didn't want to be a yeller. And I didn't want to let my emotions go so much that I lost touch with my feelings of love, compassion, gentleness, and kindness towards him. I wanted to know that even in the midst of our struggles that we were still friends. That we as friends could work out any problem. And that we could talk about things and be heard and even be mad at each other but that it would not stay there...that we would work through it and get to the good. Well...maybe we won't get to the good. I can imagine now if Joshua were reading this he'd probably be saying (with a heavy-hearted-dramatic-sigh) *sigh*..."Well she's finally beginning to make sense. (Meaning I'm seeing things his way -negatively. Of course he wouldn't characterize it as *negative* he's see it as *realistic*. Bah! I say to that! BAH!) Anyhoo...the way we talk about things that hurt us is not the same. I get it out and he does too...but he talks much more loudly than me. He yells and then says he's not yelling. He curses and says things that really are a kick in the gut to me. He doesn't pull his punches -as much...I know he does...and he's gotten better at it...but still he doesn't pull his punches as much as I do. I try to be kind to him when we talk...I don't think being kind to me is very high on his list of priorities. In fact it's probably not even on his list. Anyhoo..what I'm getting at is that I try not to make a big deal out of stuff. Not to say it's not important..because it is. But that I try to talk about it early on and not add any extra charge to what is being discussed because I already know it already has charge to it. We don't need any extra. But when he talks to me about the things that have hurt him...he doesn't do any of that! He gets very angry and very negative and dwells on the bad stuff. He doesn't talk about it with the focus of "hey we're friends and I really love you and want to work this out. This stuff really hurt me and I want to continue being your friend so we really need to work this out in order for that to happen...Because I will be your friend, but I won't endure being mistreated." No no no! That is not how the conversation goes. It is more along the lines of being kicked off the bus with him. And then when I talk to him about it and try to show him that I understand where he's coming from (partly), and that my intention was never to hurt him and that I in fact love him and want him to be happy but that at that point I did not owe him anything. We were broken up. And I was under the impression that he did not...nor had he ever loved me. So although I was still not wanting to hurt him and was very cautious around that, I also had the thought in the back of my mind that well...if it's true...that he never did love me....then I don't think this would hurt him. Anyhoo. From my side I see that he has had a long line of transgressions against me. He has repeatedly hurt me in very deep ways. And I moved past that. I talked it out with him and tried to forgive him. I didn't dwell on it as the *defining moments* of his character...or our relationship...or my life! BAH! I just saw them as they were. ..Moments. That's all. They were just moments where his actions didn't line up with how I had wanted to be treated. I still love him. I still value him as a person. I still want to be his friend. I do not want to be his girlfriend. I think he in some ways was looking (always looking) for an excuse to be hurt...for something that I had done or would do that would cover up and distract from all of the things that he had done to me. And trust me girls...I gave it to him. I handed it to him on a silver platter. I did the granddaddy of all big-baddies that a girl should never do. But I didn't mean to. It wasn't something that I had ever intended to do. I had no malicious *design*. I fell in love with someone who was "off limits". Oh well. And he liked me back! Oh well. So sue me Joshua! Sue me for all of the hurt and pain I've caused you. I guarantee that if the world worked that way...I'd have a counter suit that would ruin you forever. Thank god it doesn't work that way! But at this point it's all shit-fucked anyway. I'm done trying. All across the board. I'm done trying. I can't make you see that I loved you Joshua. I loved you with my heart and soul. I gave it all to you. I went the distance for you. But you, Joshua are the one who broke my heart. You are the one who cheated on me and broke up with me. (And that's just the *nice* stuff!) The really hurtful stuff that I am still somewhat grappling with was after we broke up, I went to talk to you and you had said...that you "didn't love" me...and "was never in love with" me. Even then you blamed me. You said that you hadn't gotten the chance. Like it was somehow *my fault* that *you* didn't love me. -that it was a failing of mine...and had I been a better person...then you would have loved me! -Rubbish! I. DID. NOT. FAIL. -You failed Joshua! I went the distance for you. I was honest with my feelings. I really and truly did *love* you. And when it was over I was still courageous enough to continue to acknowledge that fact as long as it was still true. I was a good girlfriend. You sucked donkey balls as a boyfriend! So yeah. AFTER we were over..(a choice that YOU initiated and made!) I got over you. I fell *out* of love with you. I still have love for you as a friend and I've expressed that but I don't want to be with you romantically. I was even forgiving about Lizzy..the girl that you left me for. I was even kind to you when she dumped you royally via. e-mail and then continued to say that she wanted to be friends all while deleting you from her my space friends list! Ack! Lame! I concur! That was lame!
But now that you know about Mr. Wonderful...and yes! I'll admit that this is lame too (I'm sorry)...you have none of that forgiveness or understanding for me. It baffles me. I acknowledge the lame parts of my behavior here. But honestly...let's get real. I loved you. I did not cheat on you. We broke up. It was over. Big Time over. I got over you. You in the meanwhile dated someone else. I had a friendship with a man that deepened...AFTER we were broken up! And yes...I get BIG TIME that this is the last guy on earth that you would be OK with me dating or even liking in that way...but really...I owe you nothing. You don't get a vote on this one. (It's a pretty moot point anyway now...as he and I are starting from scratch and will be lucky to even be friends...but geeze!) All of this hullabaloo makes me wonder if it's not as moot a point as I seem to think it is? But back to what I was saying...at the point in which he expressed that he liked me and I told him that I liked him...we were over. I was single. I was beholden unto no man. And frankly honey...after the way you treated me you're lucky I even gave a seconds thought to how you would feel. -But I did. And I have tried to be your friend and I have tried to spare you any unnecessary pain. But from my point of view...I don't owe you a thing. And loving him is not wrong. I didn't mean to love him. I just did. And it had nothing to do with you. If you and I aren't going to be friends because of this...well then so be it. I tried. But I can't say that this comes as a big surprise. You are not a talker/worker outer! -that is your failing. As a friend. As a man. As a lover. As someone who purports to value world peace and resolving conflicts and yet doesn't make the real life connection to your actions and thoughts. You sir, have failed.
But now that you know about Mr. Wonderful...and yes! I'll admit that this is lame too (I'm sorry)...you have none of that forgiveness or understanding for me. It baffles me. I acknowledge the lame parts of my behavior here. But honestly...let's get real. I loved you. I did not cheat on you. We broke up. It was over. Big Time over. I got over you. You in the meanwhile dated someone else. I had a friendship with a man that deepened...AFTER we were broken up! And yes...I get BIG TIME that this is the last guy on earth that you would be OK with me dating or even liking in that way...but really...I owe you nothing. You don't get a vote on this one. (It's a pretty moot point anyway now...as he and I are starting from scratch and will be lucky to even be friends...but geeze!) All of this hullabaloo makes me wonder if it's not as moot a point as I seem to think it is? But back to what I was saying...at the point in which he expressed that he liked me and I told him that I liked him...we were over. I was single. I was beholden unto no man. And frankly honey...after the way you treated me you're lucky I even gave a seconds thought to how you would feel. -But I did. And I have tried to be your friend and I have tried to spare you any unnecessary pain. But from my point of view...I don't owe you a thing. And loving him is not wrong. I didn't mean to love him. I just did. And it had nothing to do with you. If you and I aren't going to be friends because of this...well then so be it. I tried. But I can't say that this comes as a big surprise. You are not a talker/worker outer! -that is your failing. As a friend. As a man. As a lover. As someone who purports to value world peace and resolving conflicts and yet doesn't make the real life connection to your actions and thoughts. You sir, have failed.
- Mood:
aggravated
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