Well...two months ago I came clean on a major big lie! And I have, true to my word, followed up on that little lying thing of mine with my therapist. I wanted to get to the root cause of why I would ever even do something like that. It's pretty rare, but I have done it before. Once when I was 13, and then recently. My therapist basically told me to let the one from when I was 13 go. And then set me straight on the difference between lying and simply not telling everyone everything.. I actually had a problem feeling ok with the latter! I still remember what a *revolutionary* idea it was to me when I realized that I didn't have to tell my mother everything! I don't remember how old I was then...some where around 15 or 16. Anyhoo. Apparently even though I did lie in this instance, some of the icky feelings I've been feeling lately haven't been coming from lying so much as from not telling someone something that I know would hurt him. I am beholden unto no man. -Especially this one! I don't owe him a thing. ...and yet, I would never want to hurt him. Anyhoo... I have been thinking about this a bit more, and I think I might just extract myself from any and all situations where I would even feel the pressure to omit things. I just don't want to be around that and I don't want to be a party to that kind of behavior. Anyhoo. It's a tough decision and I'm not fully sure yet. But I'm thinking that might be the best plan of action. It was good to talk to my therapist about it and really work it out with her. I don't think I am a horrible liar anymore. I just did in this instance. But it is very atypical behavior for me.
I guess the main thing I wanted to share was this idea about people in your inner circle...basically I have different levels of "inner circles" ...some are a bit further out and some are very core and central to me. One of the litmus tests for the core people has to do with this exploration of lying and omission that I've been going through. And what I've come to realize is that *even* the core circle people don't have to know each and every detail. I am not under obligation to tell them anything. I do because I want to. I share because it is a part of me that I would like to give to them. But I don't have to. And I don't have to feel bad about not telling my core peeps everything. -even some bigger things! It was such a revelation to me. ...But here's the flip side of that...*if* I did choose to tell them something...I could tell them anything. Anything at all about me...and they would still love me...and basically...I would not get kicked off the bus for what I had to say. -Or who I was. That was a great realization for me to make. And for that especially, I am glad to have had the courage to fully explore that lie.
contemplative
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