April 10th, 2007; 1:46 AM
Current mood:
sad
I miss the ocean. The feeling of the swell as it passes beneath me. Knowing that if I was inland more I could paddle and catch it. The deep, and dark, mysterious waters below..perhaps hiding a terrifying monster that at any moment will devour me –starting with my feet. Then the calm and rational mind that quells that fear, reminding me that this is fun, and I will not die today. Or if I do, at least it will be fun. Hehe. I know I'm sick. Twisted. Crazy. I'm not sure if that's my fault or not. Can a crazy person help it? Aren't they out of control by definition? Or am I in control and just evil and Machiavellian? Perhaps I am the most evil person you have ever met…I just seem sweet at first. It's all part of my clever ruse to get you to trust me and lay down your guard, so that I may crush you with my cruelty and hurt you with my ways. Yup. That's me in a nut shell. Nutteroo! That's me. Grandma always said, I was "born to make great things happen in this world". Guess that was where my delusions began. The simple truth is I am nothing special. No one is anything special. We are all special. And replaceable. Easily thrown away. Discarded without a care or regret. Not missed. Out of sight, out of mind. And I mean nothing to anyone. The truth is that I am empty and dead. My heart is broken. I am broken. I cannot go on this way. I feel as if my universe is being torn apart by this pain inside of me. My hurt and my tears are the storm in the inky black sea, the rending of planets and stars, and the end of the human race, the end of peace and love. The end of me. The story about the ocean is true. I do miss it. But a deeper truth is that it is a metaphor for love. My father (a man who knows nothing about how to love a person good and truly and well so that they feel it and it lasts) once told me that love was like swimming the ocean. It's a long distance and the ocean is a deep and mysterious place. In order for you to be able to make the journey you have to be strong and your partner has to be strong too. He had me up until this point. Then he lost me when he said that if your partner or you is not a good swimmer, one may try to hold onto the other, and pull them down. If your partner starts to drown, you must cut the rope and let them sink into the depths of the sea. You must be willing to let them die or else they will drag you down when they falter. This metaphor sucks! I hope love is not like this. It really elucidates for me why none of my father's relationships have been successful up until this point. He has no idea how to be a rock solid partner for himself or anyone else. I think that's what you really need. To be solid, and for them to be solid. But with the understanding that there will come times when you or they will not be solid. Because we are only mortals, imperfect in every way. And when the time comes when your partner is barely able to go on, a good mate is there for them. A solid beacon in the storm. A light home. A friend under all circumstances. I hope to be that friend, and I hope to have that friend. Norman Vincent Peale once said that "Hope is wanting something so eagerly that –in spite of all the evidence that you're not going to get it –you go right on wanting it. And the remarkable thing about it is that this very act of hoping produces a kind of strength of its own." Dude! I wish my father had read Norman Vincent Peale, instead of the old "it's me or them" metaphor. "Only one of us is getting out of this alive." Is not a very useful approach to have in a relationship. But I still love you Edward.
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