Being Human Means Sometimes Being Lost

April 30th, 2007; 3:12 PM

I talked with him today. He hurt me again. New. Fresh hurt. I keep trying and he keeps hurting me. And all he can see is that I have hurt him.  He doesn't give a shit about how he treats me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't even want me around. He does not want to be my friend. He does not want to put right the things that he has done to me. He does not feel bad about anything except trusting me and loving me and being around me. He feels bad about that. He is so hurtful to my spirit. I try to put things right and be friends, and he is so angry. The only things that come across are his anger and his disinvestment in knowing me. I am in wretched pain. My heart is a new, fresh, gaping wound. And he probably doesn't even give a shit about it.He is cruel. I feel so helpless to change our dynamic. I wish I was not in pain. My heart hurts. I need a bubble-wrapped-heart. Protect me lord. Make me not feel anything anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to forget everything. I want to forget him and Bree. Oshyan, Marika, Sophie, Julie, Noah, April, Austin, Mike, Marie, Jordan, Faith, Face, Jeremiah, Jessica, Bella, Tom, Rayne, Carson, Damian, Gay, Lizzy, Liz, Raven, His Aunt, Rene, Paula, Lisa. I want to forget Joshua Ryan Bourque Bolin Queen. I want him to be nothing to me. I don't want my heart to linger on still loving him. I want to forget his name, face, pain, words, misdeeds, everything. I want to forget his insensitivity and selfishness. I want to forget that I ever loved him or ever felt pain over him. I want him erased from my memory. Goodbye. I don' want to be nothing to him. It breaks my heart. I am a liar. I am not over him. I love him. He is a liar too. But the only problem is...I don't know what he's been lying about and what parts were the truth. He says things just to hurt me. He undermines my trust and self-esteem. I don't know how to have a good friendship with him where we are at right now. It would require me to be patient and see through his mean words to get there. And I don't want to be abused. He dishes it in abundant servings. But he never talks about himself in depth. He doesn't feel compelled to seek my forgiveness or make things good with me. He just wants me to go away for now. But I wonder if "for now" really means "forever".
Sansho Shima...keep chanting.