June 3rd, 2006; 11:43 PM
Current mood:worried
This day has totally blown! I wasn't even supposed to be here. I was supposed to be in Chinatown, doing dim sum with my friends from cooking class, and going to the coolest wok shop, tea house, and spice shop to get indian spices. Then, I was going to buy cheap fresh fruits, veggies, spices, and fresh tofu and feta, and bring it home to have a full and exciting refridgerator. But instead the trip got rescheduled, leaving a full free day to obsess about Joshua and "when is he going to call me? Is he avoiding me? He said he'd call me yesterday after work, and we'd talk about when we could go out. Because earlier this week on Monday, he said we would do something outside, but then he had to go help Oshyan move stuff into his room, and he said he was sorry, and that I wasn't always the one to get the rain check. But it really feels like it. I really love him, and I am feeling really low right now. I want to see him but I don't want it to be just sex and then "Peace" he's gone. That just leaves me feeling unloved and disrespected and used. So how do I turn this around and not turn into a bottomless pit? I want to be happy and calm and self-assured that he loves me. He said "I love you Vanessa". So that should be it. I should feel good. April will be gone for 4 months. Yet again a reason to celebrate. But I still feel thoroughly shaky and tragic. I hate being a sometimes shunned, always time secret. It's beating down my self-esteem. I want a break through so badly. In so many things in my life. My mom and I did flash cards today. I made them for her. It is necissary for her if she is to have any sort of recovery. She has to learn new things, and fire off those neurons! She has to do things that are hard for her to create new neural pathways, so that her memory, and mental focus improves. This CAN be done. But it was so sad and disheartening today when I was working with her and she was having a hard time with things like what's 1+1=? or 9+0=? (she got that one wrong so many times.) When things are that bad, it's hard for me to imagine her ever fully recovering and getting her job back at the post office, so that she doesn't loose the house, and so that she has a bright future filled with hope and friends and good times and happiness. When things are this bad, I worry about her house going into forclosure, and her going into a care facility until she runs out of all of her money in 2 years, and then what? Is some schmo going to say "she's not so bad, she can take care of herself." and kick her out on the streets? Am I going to go crazy from all this stress and have a mental breakdown and kill myself just to escape this life that never gets good, it just keeps getting harder and worse. I am so empty. I realize that a bad attitude is my worst problem. I am trying to be optimistic and calm and happy but today I am overwhelmed and sad. I am so ready for some unexpectedly GOOD NEWS! Just tell me that my man loves me, I will be able to go to SF State in the fall, Bill Saks is cutting me a check for $55,000 plus interest for the last ten years, I have a new reliable prius, the house is safe, and my mom is 100% better and going to be ok. I just want my mommy back so badly. I really miss having someone to care and nurture me. Mom's are so great in that way. And I want mine back god. Please. Oh yeah, and while you're at it, winning the lottery sure could help. Someone pretty smart, and accomplished, serene, and happy once told me that these tough times won't always be here, that things will get good again. I hope he's right. He seems to know from experience what he's talking about. I just wish life was good again. I want to feel calm and good, happy and joyful everyday. I don't want to be shaken by the eight winds.
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