Sep. 7th, 2008

8:07 PM


I know why people rarely resolve conflict when feelings get hurt to a certain point. I really think it comes down to our lack of resiliency. To a certain point we are very resilient creatures by nature. But past that point, past the point of a really serious heart break, I don't think we are. In order to do that we would have to hold closer and dearer the memory of times when we really remembered what we liked about that other person. Times when we were best of friends. Times when they did things that really made us happy or feel loved or just plain old feel appreciated and known. When things were lighter and conversation flowed more easily. That's not to say that we can't be still firmly rooted in reality. In fact in order to get through the hardships, we have to be. We have to in order to address what went wrong and make sure it never happens again. In order to own up to our parts of what we did wrong, and also to express our own hurt feelings until we feel like the other person gets it and cares.

I have longed for a certain person to be in my life again for a very long time now. I miss him. In my heart, he is still one of my best friends. Even though our friendship has ended and may never start again. The best I can do is to love him, send him good vibes, and be open. But at a certain point remaining open and loving just hurts. When you extend yourself with caring, friendship, love, openness, and true sincerity; and you are faced with a black abyss of mystery and cold darkness, it kind of breaks your heart a little bit every time. Until one day you just give up and realize that what you said, who you thought you were...is not true at all. You said that if it ever came to this that you would just be open and persistent and keep sending love and good wishes and holding a space for our friendship to be, but what it really all comes down to is that it is easier to hate than to love. And holding a grudge is far easier than remembering how much you loved that person at one time...not to long ago. But then I keep trying. I make myself push past this feeling of darkness and I push myself to remain open and optimistic. Because I know that we are only defeated by our circumstances when we give up. When we quit trying and resign ourselves to defeat. And although I am tempted, I will not give in. I will hold my space.

Mood: determined


Comments



witty_banter wrote:
Sep. 8th, 2008 01:17 am

"Because I know that we are only defeated by our circumstances when we give up. "

I hope you know how much you inspire me.
Your spirit is something I really try to live up to in my own life.
I look forward to talking about this...and I love your writing, so keep posting!





vanmedi wrote:
Sep. 8th, 2008 12:46 pm


Thank you. I'm glad I inspire you. It's a mutual feeling. :-)





kitty8fish wrote:
Sep. 8th, 2008 04:54 pm

hey hun. i'm going to do what i always do, which is to remind you that you are human. :) a wonderful human.
it is really very gracious of you to try so hard and i know what a beautiful person you are and how high your values and morals are, especially for yourself.

BUT...

(and you knew there was going to be a but)...

I just want to make sure that you're not overextending yourself. Vanessa is not a bottomless pit of energy. Vanessa has only 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... you get the picture. you do not have to hold a grudge, but you can let it go, if you're ready. it's closing the door, but not locking it. he can come back anytime he wants, but in the meanwhile all the warm air is getting sucked out and what were ya, raised in a barn? :) you can't keep all your doors open at once.

anyway that might not be what you're doing, but just thought i'd put in my two cents. there's only so much time out there and only so much energy you have. where do you want it to go?

AND you can't do other people's work for them. it may be a very important lesson for him to learn that if he blows people off, they won't just be waiting for him to come back. but then again, he is who he is and none of those boys seem to learn anything very well at all. :P

hold your space if it's what you want. just know what you're fighting for.





vanmedi wrote:
Sep. 8th, 2008 09:58 pm

"Raised in a barn"! Bahhahahaha. I love your levity and humor. It just makes talking about these touchy raw subject so much easier and ok.