I miss him. It seems like it's been a while (FOREVER) since we've been close and fun and intimate and warm with each other...since I knew that he liked me...and he called me his little artichoke. (Aaaawwwww...I really miss that!) It hasn't been forever...it just feels like it. It's been less than a month now since I came clean...and things are not back to where they were...but they are rebuilding. The trust and friendship is slowly coming back. In some ways I'd say it's going really well...better than some would think it could. But I very unreasonably wanted *immediate* forgiveness and *instant* camaraderie and intimacy. That's not realistic. So I better just grow up and let those feelings go. I am still in the running. Nothing has been lost permanently. He even has edged around the topic a few times...initially pushing me to tell him about how I feel. He softened then...it was in the middle of our very tense discussion the day after I came clean with him. He wouldn't let it go. He asked repeatedly about it...and then he said that I should at least be honest and vulnerable with him...if that's how I really feel...if I do love him. -I do. It's hard to be open and vulnerable when you know you've fucked up....and all bets are off. When you don't know if your love will be reciprocated.
It's been a few weeks now...and there have been no I love you's uttered between us. I still do love him. I have no idea how he feels about me...although the other day he did say something about how I owe him....apparently I need to help him find the *perfect girl*...and he joked about it not being that hard. I don't know if he was talking about me. I think he was. I'm not sure though. He's joked about this before when we were on good terms...and always then he was talking about me. So I hope that most recent joke was his way of softening and opening up a bit with me...
I guess I should just take it slow. Have no expectations. Just continue to be open and honest now...and hope for the best. Maybe we will be friends..maybe we will not? Or maybe we will be something even better? Who knows? The future is wide open...again.
lonely
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