PMS Over Reaction??? -You be the judge.

• Aug. 20th, 2008 at 10:09 AM

So...I'm hanging out (in bed) with Joshua. It's about 10:30 at night, when his phone rings. I expect it to be April saying "Hey dude where are you? Are you coming home tonight?" But instead it's some ski instructor friend of his (a girl) who basically says "Hey...I was thinking about you. Give me a call sometime this Summer...anytime." It's probably harmless. But still. I totally have a rection that I am trying not to have.  So I start typing this instead. And Joshua wants to know what I am typing. I think on some level that he probably is wondering if I am IM'ing with Oshyan. When he got on my computer, my IM popped up like I had a message. And although he didn't look at it or comment on it, I know he noticed it. And I know him well enough to know that it threw him off beat a bit. So here he is trying to be cool..and here I am trying to be cool....and he starts trying to be playful and peek at what I am typing...but I won't let him. I tell him it's private because I don't want him to know that I am having this very visceral response to some girl calling him at 10:30 at night...and yeah, it very well may be nothing at all...but I'm still having a moment here. I'm trying to pretend like it's nothing at all to me. But it's something at all to me. I tell him that it's private, like his phone calls. I didn't listen to his phone call. Then he says...well you never asked. And calls his voicemail, until he pulls up the call and puts the phone to my ear so that I can hear it. It's harmless. It's a bit wierd that she's calling my monkey (I call him that because he is not my boyfriend. He is undefined. Thus..I call him my monkey.)

anyhoo... he goes outside for a cigarette, and when he come in he says "Hey you... Come here. Give me a hug." And he's really soft and gentle. Like he really wants to hold me. But I'm still having my visceral response and I am thinking 'Dump him quick. Before he hurts you. Just get rid of him." And then I'm thinking about how Tim jokingly said: "And then I gave the monkey a key to my house...and he threw poo at me." And I'm waiting for it. I am waiting for the poo to come. Joshua is going home. He says he's feeling really antsy and he just wants to sleep in his own bed tonight. And I inform him that I think that's lame. Not that I'm even sure that he even cares about my feelings. All indications point to no there. He wants to know if I think he's being *rude* or *lame*...I clarify that I think he's being lame. And part of me goes...why am I having any kind of feeliings or reaction here? AM I overreacting? What's the big deal anyway? I've totally been at his house before and just wanted to come home and sleep in my bed because I think it's way more comfortable than his bed. Plus it's obvious that he wants to stay up late, and I need to go to sleep because I work in the morning. I need to relax here. But SERIOUSLY I hate this kind of malarky. It's 11 o'clock at night...don't do anything lamepants that is going to stress me out. Because late at night...I just want to chill. I want to go to sleep and have sweet dreams. Instead, I went to bed stressed and I woke up stressed. I went to work stressed...and at some point I thought about this Anthony Robbins CD that I was just listening to about controlling  your state. And I had a realization that I was playing my get mad/feel unloved/be sad/get stressed record. And I had to get myself into a more useful state than that. Plus I don't want to torture myself. So...I thought about different things that I could do to break my state. Luckily I had a brisk walk, and listened to some good upbeat music and that did it. I am still left with knowing that I do not want to be used or mistreated. I also don't just want to hang out. I want to be with someone who uplifts my life and who really cares about me and my feelings. I want someone who is doing everything he can to keep me in his life and love me. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....

• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Mood:working
•