I had a very interesting day yesterday. I think sometimes the secret to getting me to do painful things (like cleaning!) is to put it up against something even more painful (like talking to someone I haven't talked to in ages...for a reason.) I just seem to thrive under that kind of distraction/pressure. Hmmm...perhaps something to discuss with the therapist. I really don't want to have to have that be *the best way* to motivate me.
But anyhoo...I cleaned a ton yesterday. Not so much on my room as I had hoped, but in the kitchen for sure! I did lots of dishes...and the whole pile of intimidating laundry on the floor just waiting to be cleaned...This is particularly satisfying as it was a very gross pile of dirty, dirty, laundry. I bleached some towels in an attempt to make them sparkly white again. (Failed attempt...but at least they are disinfected and super clean now!) I guess dirt doesn't bleach. Yeah..oh well. It may be time to buy new washcloths...and this time NOT use them as cleaning rags...no matter how much I convince myself that "I can bleach that out later!" --No you can't Vanessa, you really really can't. :-P
I also swept a bit and Swiffered my little tushie off! And got all OCD on my sink. I bleached it overnight with some whites...and then scrubbed it in the morning with some Barkeepers Friend...(that stuff is amazing!) my sink is now beautiful, snow white, and spotless. The chrome is shining. That's always a good feeling.
I am now doing even more laundry..which I expect to be doing throughout the day...and....I will be planting in the front yard.
The lady at Kings nursery told me that it wasn't too late in the season to plant seeds after all...(as long as they're something simple and hearty) So I'm going to plant some sunflowers. So far I've planted pumpkins, poppies, and soon cilantro. I have some gorgeous seedlings that need to be planted. Loads of nasturtiums (which I used to hate but now love since they will come back without trying, tending, or watering...I'm all about low maintenance now.)
Last night I cooked a fabulous steak dinner for my Momavarious. And made her some long grain wild rice with herbies! She really loved it. -I really love her.
And out of the blue...Bree called me. She was crying and asked if I would come over and give her a hug. (I haven't spoken with her in almost 5 months. Leslie..you know the whole long story. She was my friend that wasn't a very good friend to have. And so I decided to not be around her anymore. But I couldn't bring myself to be calloused to her when she was obviously hurt. --That's just not my style. It's very strange because I could very easily see her doing that to me...in fact she has. I guess in a way, it's almost the memory of just how painful that is to experience, that has made me vow to never do that to another person myself. So I went over to her house, and gave her a hug. And saw her son. And gave him a hug. He was very glad to see me. They both were. It's amazing her son is actually larger than the last time I saw him. He kept wanting to sit in my lap and have my attention. I read him a few books and taught him how to do a kids version of sudoku. With the proper attention, love, and guidance (aka. boundaries and stability) he could grow up to be the most charming little gentleman.
Bree, most recently has had the most horrid streak of bad things befalling her; but of course they were happening for a reason. We went out to see Ratatouille, and in the most sad and lame way...she kept leaning in and apologizing for things that she had done. I kept telling her we'll talk about that after the film.
We have such different approaches. I *DETEST* having adult discussions in front of children! It is something that I am very thankful of...that my family never did in front of me growing up. They had a basic philosophy, that one simply doesn't burden a child with adult concerns. Let a child be a child. Don't let them see arguments or hear of things which might trouble their minds and undermine their sense of calm, and trust, and stability in the world around them. You want a child to feel secure. --This is something that she knows about me. She knows that this is how I work. But I feel that this is something that she and Joshua have taken advantage of. They know I won't discuss uncomfortable and unpleasant things in front of a child, and they've used this to their advantage. She very quickly says..oh I'm sorry for this, and I'm sorry for that...thinking that because I am not cruel to her or have commented further than we'll discuss it later (meaning we'll talk about it at a more appropriate time when it's not in the middle of a movie theater, and there aren't children present, and there's a certain amount of privacy for god's sake!) she thinks that I have forgiven her for everything and that we are good. --We're not fully good. I am very forgiving. But I do not want to put myself in a bad position. I don't want to be around anyone who isn't nice, and who doesn't treat people well. She has told me that she is clean and sober now..that was one of the MAJOR reasons I cut off all contact. She was doing cocaine. And I won't be around that. AT ALL! She knows that. It was one of the things that I very clearly discussed with her when I came over to her house. I find myself doing a balancing act between being forgiving and compassionate, and just simply protecting myself and my mom and keeping my distance. I say my mom because I see all expenditures of energy, weather they are physical, or emotional as having an effect on me...and at the end of the day, I HAVE TO have the energy and calm to take care of my mom. She doesn't have anyone else to do it. So I can't afford to be around high-drama, or high-maintenance people who are not uplifting and good for me. I don't have the energy in reserve to waste on them. ...But I am willing to go the distance if there is a payoff. Because I hate to give up on anybody. I am learning the fine art of balance here. How to be compassionate without overextending myself. How to be forgiving, without putting myself in a bad position to be used. This seems like a more delicate and finely tuned lesson.
But anyhoo...I cleaned a ton yesterday. Not so much on my room as I had hoped, but in the kitchen for sure! I did lots of dishes...and the whole pile of intimidating laundry on the floor just waiting to be cleaned...This is particularly satisfying as it was a very gross pile of dirty, dirty, laundry. I bleached some towels in an attempt to make them sparkly white again. (Failed attempt...but at least they are disinfected and super clean now!) I guess dirt doesn't bleach. Yeah..oh well. It may be time to buy new washcloths...and this time NOT use them as cleaning rags...no matter how much I convince myself that "I can bleach that out later!" --No you can't Vanessa, you really really can't. :-P
I also swept a bit and Swiffered my little tushie off! And got all OCD on my sink. I bleached it overnight with some whites...and then scrubbed it in the morning with some Barkeepers Friend...(that stuff is amazing!) my sink is now beautiful, snow white, and spotless. The chrome is shining. That's always a good feeling.
I am now doing even more laundry..which I expect to be doing throughout the day...and....I will be planting in the front yard.
The lady at Kings nursery told me that it wasn't too late in the season to plant seeds after all...(as long as they're something simple and hearty) So I'm going to plant some sunflowers. So far I've planted pumpkins, poppies, and soon cilantro. I have some gorgeous seedlings that need to be planted. Loads of nasturtiums (which I used to hate but now love since they will come back without trying, tending, or watering...I'm all about low maintenance now.)
Last night I cooked a fabulous steak dinner for my Momavarious. And made her some long grain wild rice with herbies! She really loved it. -I really love her.
And out of the blue...Bree called me. She was crying and asked if I would come over and give her a hug. (I haven't spoken with her in almost 5 months. Leslie..you know the whole long story. She was my friend that wasn't a very good friend to have. And so I decided to not be around her anymore. But I couldn't bring myself to be calloused to her when she was obviously hurt. --That's just not my style. It's very strange because I could very easily see her doing that to me...in fact she has. I guess in a way, it's almost the memory of just how painful that is to experience, that has made me vow to never do that to another person myself. So I went over to her house, and gave her a hug. And saw her son. And gave him a hug. He was very glad to see me. They both were. It's amazing her son is actually larger than the last time I saw him. He kept wanting to sit in my lap and have my attention. I read him a few books and taught him how to do a kids version of sudoku. With the proper attention, love, and guidance (aka. boundaries and stability) he could grow up to be the most charming little gentleman.
Bree, most recently has had the most horrid streak of bad things befalling her; but of course they were happening for a reason. We went out to see Ratatouille, and in the most sad and lame way...she kept leaning in and apologizing for things that she had done. I kept telling her we'll talk about that after the film.
We have such different approaches. I *DETEST* having adult discussions in front of children! It is something that I am very thankful of...that my family never did in front of me growing up. They had a basic philosophy, that one simply doesn't burden a child with adult concerns. Let a child be a child. Don't let them see arguments or hear of things which might trouble their minds and undermine their sense of calm, and trust, and stability in the world around them. You want a child to feel secure. --This is something that she knows about me. She knows that this is how I work. But I feel that this is something that she and Joshua have taken advantage of. They know I won't discuss uncomfortable and unpleasant things in front of a child, and they've used this to their advantage. She very quickly says..oh I'm sorry for this, and I'm sorry for that...thinking that because I am not cruel to her or have commented further than we'll discuss it later (meaning we'll talk about it at a more appropriate time when it's not in the middle of a movie theater, and there aren't children present, and there's a certain amount of privacy for god's sake!) she thinks that I have forgiven her for everything and that we are good. --We're not fully good. I am very forgiving. But I do not want to put myself in a bad position. I don't want to be around anyone who isn't nice, and who doesn't treat people well. She has told me that she is clean and sober now..that was one of the MAJOR reasons I cut off all contact. She was doing cocaine. And I won't be around that. AT ALL! She knows that. It was one of the things that I very clearly discussed with her when I came over to her house. I find myself doing a balancing act between being forgiving and compassionate, and just simply protecting myself and my mom and keeping my distance. I say my mom because I see all expenditures of energy, weather they are physical, or emotional as having an effect on me...and at the end of the day, I HAVE TO have the energy and calm to take care of my mom. She doesn't have anyone else to do it. So I can't afford to be around high-drama, or high-maintenance people who are not uplifting and good for me. I don't have the energy in reserve to waste on them. ...But I am willing to go the distance if there is a payoff. Because I hate to give up on anybody. I am learning the fine art of balance here. How to be compassionate without overextending myself. How to be forgiving, without putting myself in a bad position to be used. This seems like a more delicate and finely tuned lesson.
Anyhoo...Back to cleaning. I really am going to do my room today..for at least 5 hours. And I intend to reward myself with the midnight showing of The Simpsons Movie! :-D Aaaawwww yeah! Bringing new meaning to the name Homer. Isn't it funny? People used to think of the Iliad when they thought of Homer...now they think "D'oh"!
- Mood:determined
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