February 4th, 2009; 2:53 AM
So now I'm trying the opposite of that tactic. I'm saying it out loud, writing it down, and really exploring it, just to get it our of my head. I don't mean to sound negative, crazy, pessimistic, etc. But here it is...I keep thinking, that *if* God exists, that God must hate me. That I am not his beloved child. That the hands of god are not resting upon my shoulders, blessing my life. God has not touched my life. ...at least not in a good way that I can see. The superstitious side of me has been avoiding saying these things for so many reasons. Not only do I not want the condescension or ire of deeply devout Christians. But deeply rooted in my childhood fears of the boogeyman, that black empty space under the bed, and the deep dark unseen parts of the ocean; there is also a fear of God. That I am somehow destined for hell and suffering. For this reason alone, I will never raise my child in a church. I am afraid that by saying something like "Gee...I feel like God hates me...that is, if he exists in the first place." ...I'm afraid that God will curse me for thinking such thoughts, or for wanting a better existence than the one I have. For wanting -I will be punished. For complaining -More will be heaped on my plate of suffering. It is totally irrational. I know it is not true consciously. It can't be true. I'm a good person. I work hard. I try to do the right thing. And when I make mistakes, no matter how big they are, I always try to correct them and be a better person for them. Logically, I should be destined for something wonderful. Just the sheer fact that I haven't lost hope, or become a snarky jaded bastard must mean something about my fortitude and inner resilliance. I've got what it takes to succeed. I have it in spades. I am determined, and I do not quit no matter how hard it gets. But sometime I really feel like life is challenging that spirit of mine. I have a "friend" (and I use that term loosely because she often times acts like a frienemy) who gives me the feeling of being judged in a negative way. Like she's got it all figured out...and God is the key. And if I only prayed and trusted in God that he would stop ignoring me and finally let the sun shine in my life. I have such an irrational feeling of hatred that wells up in me when she does this. And I try my best to fight it. I don't want to hate her or anyone. So barring one topic (gay marriage) I don't usually bite when she casts out her religious dogma.
I was raised in a deeply religious family. I've even traveled half-way around the world for a religious retreat. At a certain age I split from the church, but not from God. I still felt that I had a connection with God. It's just from that point on I felt like our conversations would be direct from me to him...and if he ever felt like talking...from him to me. But now I feel like God is a stranger to me. I think of God the same way I think of the unseen monsters in my life...that they may exist...but most likely not. Because for all my years on this planet, I have not once seen, heard, or felt them. I haven't even come close. When I dangle my foot over the edge of my bed, I might have a moment of childish fear...but nothing has ever grabbed my ankle. There are no monsters under the bed. There is no imaginary friend called God. Or if God does exist, he has turned his back on me or decided to hate me.
Current mood:
angsty
Lately, in the past few days, I've been thinking about God. This thought keeps edging in around the corners of my consciousness. I keep trying to push it out and ignore it. Pretend it's not there. -That didn't work. angstySo now I'm trying the opposite of that tactic. I'm saying it out loud, writing it down, and really exploring it, just to get it our of my head. I don't mean to sound negative, crazy, pessimistic, etc. But here it is...I keep thinking, that *if* God exists, that God must hate me. That I am not his beloved child. That the hands of god are not resting upon my shoulders, blessing my life. God has not touched my life. ...at least not in a good way that I can see. The superstitious side of me has been avoiding saying these things for so many reasons. Not only do I not want the condescension or ire of deeply devout Christians. But deeply rooted in my childhood fears of the boogeyman, that black empty space under the bed, and the deep dark unseen parts of the ocean; there is also a fear of God. That I am somehow destined for hell and suffering. For this reason alone, I will never raise my child in a church. I am afraid that by saying something like "Gee...I feel like God hates me...that is, if he exists in the first place." ...I'm afraid that God will curse me for thinking such thoughts, or for wanting a better existence than the one I have. For wanting -I will be punished. For complaining -More will be heaped on my plate of suffering. It is totally irrational. I know it is not true consciously. It can't be true. I'm a good person. I work hard. I try to do the right thing. And when I make mistakes, no matter how big they are, I always try to correct them and be a better person for them. Logically, I should be destined for something wonderful. Just the sheer fact that I haven't lost hope, or become a snarky jaded bastard must mean something about my fortitude and inner resilliance. I've got what it takes to succeed. I have it in spades. I am determined, and I do not quit no matter how hard it gets. But sometime I really feel like life is challenging that spirit of mine. I have a "friend" (and I use that term loosely because she often times acts like a frienemy) who gives me the feeling of being judged in a negative way. Like she's got it all figured out...and God is the key. And if I only prayed and trusted in God that he would stop ignoring me and finally let the sun shine in my life. I have such an irrational feeling of hatred that wells up in me when she does this. And I try my best to fight it. I don't want to hate her or anyone. So barring one topic (gay marriage) I don't usually bite when she casts out her religious dogma.
I was raised in a deeply religious family. I've even traveled half-way around the world for a religious retreat. At a certain age I split from the church, but not from God. I still felt that I had a connection with God. It's just from that point on I felt like our conversations would be direct from me to him...and if he ever felt like talking...from him to me. But now I feel like God is a stranger to me. I think of God the same way I think of the unseen monsters in my life...that they may exist...but most likely not. Because for all my years on this planet, I have not once seen, heard, or felt them. I haven't even come close. When I dangle my foot over the edge of my bed, I might have a moment of childish fear...but nothing has ever grabbed my ankle. There are no monsters under the bed. There is no imaginary friend called God. Or if God does exist, he has turned his back on me or decided to hate me.
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