My mother was not a perfect woman. She was, in many ways, an incompetent mother. Now that sounds harsh. Even to my ears it sounds harsh. But it's not. It's not even a bad thing. It just was. I loved my mother, and she loved me dearly. Love is wonderful that way. -You can love someone...even with all of their glorious imperfections. Now, I wasn't beaten...or severely abused. I always had a home. My mother was always gainfully employed and hardworking. And from the outside, everything probably looked just fine. But on an emotional level...the stuff on the inside...I missed out on a lot. Yet again, this is not because my mother did not love me -She did. It really had more to do with how much *she* knew as a person. How developed *she* was, by the time she decided to have me, and what wisdom she had to impart to me.
I come from a long line of "just good enough". So I really shouldn't be daunted by my imperfections as much as I am. :) I will do things. -Imperfectly. But the most important thing is that I do. That I try. That I tell myself the things that I need to hear. -As a loving mother would. To guide myself through the obstacles in life...and get to my goals on the horizon.
My friend, Leslie, introduced an idea to me. She studied anthropology at Berkeley, and while she was there, one of her professors stated that the idea of "survival of the fittest" was a fallacy. That in fact...one doesn't have to be "the fittest" or the best to be a reproductive success. It's more like "Survival of the just good enough"! This idea was hysterical to me. I totally agreed. Do you have to be the best father? Mother? Parent? Do you have to even stick around and be there nurturing your young so that they develop under optimal conditions...so that they feel safe, secure, loved and confident. -No. And that's a fact.
Look around you. How many of your friends parents are still married? How many people do you know that were raised by TWO healthy, successful, loving parents? From what I've witnessed and experienced first hand, many times the father is out of the picture.
My own father, was out of the picture respectively, shortly after I was born. He and my mother had been married for several years before my birth. Edward was not a very good husband. He cheated on my mother throughout their marriage. -Even on their honeymoon. My mother stuck around in part because she loved him, but also out of her own childish ignorance. She seemed to think that if she was somehow better...sexier...smarter...more of a perfect wife and homemaker...someone who was loving and gentle, etc...that it would induce my father to love her more. See that she was clearly the best woman for him. That plan never worked. It was, a complete and utter failure. By the time I was created, my parents marriage had almost ended.
Look around you. How many of your friends parents are still married? How many people do you know that were raised by TWO healthy, successful, loving parents? From what I've witnessed and experienced first hand, many times the father is out of the picture.
My own father, was out of the picture respectively, shortly after I was born. He and my mother had been married for several years before my birth. Edward was not a very good husband. He cheated on my mother throughout their marriage. -Even on their honeymoon. My mother stuck around in part because she loved him, but also out of her own childish ignorance. She seemed to think that if she was somehow better...sexier...smarter...more of a perfect wife and homemaker...someone who was loving and gentle, etc...that it would induce my father to love her more. See that she was clearly the best woman for him. That plan never worked. It was, a complete and utter failure. By the time I was created, my parents marriage had almost ended.
I had a question for my mother at this point..."Why *have* a child, under those circumstances?" "Why was I ever born?" Her answer made me think of how young she was emotionally. She knew she wanted to have a child. She knew she wanted ME. And even though she didn't really know if her marriage with Edward would survive, she knew that she loved him. So to have a child, that came from two people who loved each other, seemed like a good enough plan for her. At this point, I was touched. I also asked her if she had ever thought of a sperm bank? I mean...really now...at least with a sperm bank, it's all on your terms.
I'm glad that my mother wasn't that logical. If she was, I never would have had my family on my fathers side, who I love so much. My little cousin Jenna calls me periodically and posts Facebook posts on my wall just to say things like "Hi!" and "I love you!". I have a grandmama who inspires me with all of her good deeds. The bags of groceries that she packs up weekly for the food bank...the cooking that she does with such love and care. The love and understanding that she gives me in my darkest hours. Never judging me. Just being there. Loving me. Supporting me. Encouraging me. Her sister Eli, does the same and is a vocal advocate for me. My many cousins who span the globe, and give their love and support. My uncle who came after my mother died to make sure that I was ok. His wife, my aunt, who is always so calm and confident. I have many reasons to be thankful that my mother *did not* use a sperm bank. -Even though I do sometimes jokingly think of my father that way.
My parents were...Just good enough. The question that I have now is: If you were raised by someone who didn't know any better...Didn't give you all that you really needed in order to develop certain qualities to their fullness (for me that would be inner calm and confidence.)
-The belief that no matter what comes my way, that :
1. I am going to be ok.
2. I can handle this.
3. The world is a friendly place filled with many loving people.
4. I am intelligent and capable of overcoming my obstacles.
5. I can create my life to be whatever I want.
6. I am loved. and
7. (said enthusiastically) -This is going to be just GREAT!
The question remains...How do you get that? How do you develop those things in you, which you've never had before?
-The belief that no matter what comes my way, that :
1. I am going to be ok.
2. I can handle this.
3. The world is a friendly place filled with many loving people.
4. I am intelligent and capable of overcoming my obstacles.
5. I can create my life to be whatever I want.
6. I am loved. and
7. (said enthusiastically) -This is going to be just GREAT!
The question remains...How do you get that? How do you develop those things in you, which you've never had before?
The answer: You give them to yourself.
Even if it's not perfect.
Even if it's not perfect.
I come from a long line of "just good enough". So I really shouldn't be daunted by my imperfections as much as I am. :) I will do things. -Imperfectly. But the most important thing is that I do. That I try. That I tell myself the things that I need to hear. -As a loving mother would. To guide myself through the obstacles in life...and get to my goals on the horizon.
