How Do You Deal With A Misogynistic Pig?

Imagine that you are a woman. Now picture yourself engaged in a conversation with a man who says things to you like "You ask too many questions.". Someone who speaks over you when you are talking or makes a hand puppetting gesture like a person's mouth opening and closing "yap, yap, yap, yap, yap" in the background, while you are speaking. He does this often. Not because you actually *do* ask too many questions, or speak too much, but because he is the type of person who doesn't respect women, period. What he would prefer, is for you to sit quietly and attentively, eyes sparkling with interest, mouth pert in a quasi-enthusiastic smile, while he tells his stories. At the end, you laugh. On cue. And tell him how funny/smart/right/etc. he is. Now this guy isn't a jerk (all the time). He can actually be quite nice. But underlying that, is a general disrespect and hostility towards women. ...So what's a girl to do?

I want to play well with others...but what does one do, when one is faced with someone who doesn't play well with *you*? How do you handle it?

The men in my life that I am close to, tend to have this amazing quality of just being able to shrug it off and mentally (if not out loud as well) just say "Fuck him. He's being an asshole." -Which is true. He *is* being an asshole. But so what? That still doesn't cover my part of this equation. What do *I* do about it? I want to posses the same type of strong, level-headed comportment that my cousin, Mark does. He's a career military man, a Marine. And I have noticed the way he interacts with people. He is the type of guy who enters a room full of strangers, and will take the time to smile, look each person in the eye, while shaking their hand firmly and making sure to introduce himself politely and make sure that he has their name. He is strong but gentle. And I don't think that someone like the previously mentioned fellow, would ever dare to disrespect him. But maybe I'm wrong? Maybe he would? That part doesn't really matter though. I know that I cannot *make* people be nice to me. But what I really want to master in my life is control over my emotional state, so that when they do act like jerks, *I* am not reduced to tears, or eaten up by it in later hours...always wondering what I could have done differently to make history not happen. To make that interaction more pleasant and respectful for all. I am learning that I have to let that idea go. Into each life a little rain (and the occasional jerk) must fall. The big lesson for me is to learn how to handle *myself* in those situations. And how to feel good about it afterwards.

...So in this situation, I did stand up for myself. I did say "I do not ask too many questions." and I also tried to placate the situation and make nice by laughing it off and making a joke of it. But inside I felt like I had been run over. I can expect this situation to arise again because like I said, this person's problem is that they have a problem with women...and I am a woman. No getting around that sir. So sorry for my genitalia, or lack thereof. I have decided to try and think of good models for the type of strength that I would like to posses. Kind of like "What would Jesus do?" only it's more like..."What would my cousin Mark do?" or "What would Tecumseh do?"...or "What would my Grandma or Grandpa do?" ...and one of the things that I *know* they *wouldn't* do, is take crap from a person like that. I'm not sure how they would stand up against it but I know it would be dealt with and would not be ignored or woven into a part of everyday life, that's for sure.

Survival Of The Fittest Vs. Survival Of The *Just Good Enough*

My mother was not a perfect woman. She was, in many ways, an incompetent mother. Now that sounds harsh. Even to my ears it sounds harsh. But it's not. It's not even a bad thing. It just was. I loved my mother, and she loved me dearly. Love is wonderful that way. -You can love someone...even with all of their glorious imperfections. Now, I wasn't beaten...or severely abused. I always had a home. My mother was always gainfully employed and hardworking. And from the outside, everything probably looked just fine. But on an emotional level...the stuff on the inside...I missed out on a lot. Yet again, this is not because my mother did not love me -She did. It really had more to do with how much *she* knew as a person. How developed *she* was, by the time she decided to have me, and what wisdom she had to impart to me.

My friend, Leslie, introduced an idea to me. She studied anthropology at Berkeley, and while she was there, one of her professors stated that the idea of "survival of the fittest" was a fallacy. That in fact...one doesn't have to be "the fittest" or the best to be a reproductive success. It's more like "Survival of the just good enough"! This idea was hysterical to me. I totally agreed. Do you have to be the best father? Mother? Parent? Do you have to even stick around and be there nurturing your young so that they develop under optimal conditions...so that they feel safe, secure, loved and confident. -No. And that's a fact.

Look around you. How many of your friends parents are still married? How many people do you know that were raised by TWO healthy, successful, loving parents? From what I've witnessed and experienced first hand, many times the father is out of the picture.

My own father, was out of the picture respectively, shortly after I was born. He and my mother had been married for several years before my birth. Edward was not a very good husband. He cheated on my mother throughout their marriage. -Even on their honeymoon. My mother stuck around in part because she loved him, but also out of her own childish ignorance. She seemed to think that if she was somehow better...sexier...smarter...more of a perfect wife and homemaker...someone who was loving and gentle, etc...that it would induce my father to love her more. See that she was clearly the best woman for him. That plan never worked. It was, a complete and utter failure. By the time I was created, my parents marriage had almost ended.

I had a question for my mother at this point..."Why *have* a child, under those circumstances?" "Why was I ever born?" Her answer made me think of how young she was emotionally. She knew she wanted to have a child. She knew she wanted ME. And even though she didn't really know if her marriage with Edward would survive, she knew that she loved him. So to have a child, that came from two people who loved each other, seemed like a good enough plan for her. At this point, I was touched. I also asked her if she had ever thought of a sperm bank? I mean...really now...at least with a sperm bank, it's all on your terms. 

I'm glad that my mother wasn't that logical. If she was, I never would have had my family on my fathers side, who I love so much. My little cousin Jenna calls me periodically and posts Facebook posts on my wall just to say things like "Hi!" and "I love you!". I have a grandmama who inspires me with all of her good deeds. The bags of groceries that she packs up weekly for the food bank...the cooking that she does with such love and care. The love and understanding that she gives me in my darkest hours. Never judging me. Just being there. Loving me. Supporting me. Encouraging me. Her sister Eli, does the same and is a vocal advocate for me. My many cousins who span the globe, and give their love and support. My uncle who came after my mother died to make sure that I was ok. His wife, my aunt, who is always so calm and confident. I have many reasons to be thankful that my mother *did not* use a sperm bank. -Even though I do sometimes jokingly think of my father that way. 

My parents were...Just good enough. The question that I have now is: If you were raised by someone who didn't know any better...Didn't give you all that you really needed in order to develop certain qualities to their fullness (for me that would be inner calm and confidence.)

-The belief that no matter what comes my way, that :
1. I am going to be ok.
2. I can handle this.
3. The world is a friendly place filled with many loving people.
4. I am intelligent and capable of overcoming my obstacles.
5. I can create my life to be whatever I want.
6. I am loved. and
7. (said enthusiastically) -This is going to be just GREAT!

The question remains...How do you get that? How do you develop those things in you, which you've never had before?

The answer: You give them to yourself. 
Even if it's not perfect. 

I come from a long line of "just good enough". So I really shouldn't be daunted by my imperfections as much as I am. :) I will do things. -Imperfectly. But the most important thing is that I do. That I try. That I tell myself the things that I need to hear. -As a loving mother would. To guide myself through the obstacles in life...and get to my goals on the horizon.