So much of my life right now feels like searing pain. Unfortunate circumstances have led me here to this place, where I feel utterly alone. I know that I am not alone. In fact...I have many people who love me. I have a wealth of amazing people that I call friends. Good people. Who have been here for me in the most horrifically dark period of my life. And family too. I still have that. Not the people who raised me, it's true. The heart, the core three people are missing. But *I* am still here.
I miss you.
Every once in a while it wells up inside of me, and screams through my soul.
I miss you.
It still hurts. I try not to feel the pain. I try my best to be fine...
Ron gave me a talk this week.
He said on one side, there is depression. And even though it's not that good for you or that great...it can make the pain of what I am going through fuzzy. Sort of like crawling into bed and wrapping myself up with blankets and sleeping. The pain is still there...whatever is causing the pain is still there...but for a while I can drown it out in my depression. I can sleep and avoid the searing pain.
On the other side there is this rose-colored glasses thing I do. Where I try to be happy and optimistic no matter what I am facing. He described it as:
Q. "How are you doing?"
A. "Oh I'm fine. I lost my right arm. It got tore off and I'm bleeding. But I still have my left arm so things are great! But you know...this is really good because it gives me a chance to make my left arm stronger."
It made me laugh. I know that I do that.
And somewhere in the middle is my Buddha nature. I am going to chant to the gohonzon as if it was a mirror...and to chant to be able to see my Buddha nature. Not just to develop my wisdom...but to be able to see it in myself. Being a Bodhisattva is easy enough. To stretch myself to have compassion for others is something that I have developed quite well within myself. But to make that leap...to move one step higher than that, and to not only extend that compassion to myself but to also be awakened. To see the world as it is. To see my problems for what they really are. To see my fortune for what it is. The people that I treasure. The profound gifts that are within myself. To honor myself and see my Buddha nature, and interact with the world around me from that place of joy, love, splendid happiness and wisdom. Confidence. Not the fake happy where I try to diminish my pain or challenges. But something genuine. Where I am really myself.
It is hard to imagine a me, that is really me...that can move mountains.
I have been living my life going through the motions. Saying inside "Fake it till you make it." Holding tight to my vision of what can be...while the reality of my situation keeps getting worse. I know that I will keep going through the motions. "Trying." But what if the world continues to crumble? As long a I am alive I have the power to *manifest* things. To *manifest* real changes in the world and in me. For that reason alone, I will keep walking through this fire. I will keep *trying* until *trying* falls away and becomes *doing*.
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