I need to let go of all of the rejection I've felt in my life. The deep wound and pain of having a father that never loved me or showed up for me in my life. I need to let go of the questions I have and let go of ever trying to figure it out. There is no magic right answer to change this history. And Edward is never coming to be my father and love me. Time and time again I've thought that I had overcome this foundation of pain and rejection...but I have not struck a final victory blow. Rather, I've chipped away at the pain, self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy...of never being enough for him to actually care and love me as his daughter. I've started to honor the Queen in me, and hold my head up high, my crown is always on my head, I wear it on the inside. The grace and strength in me is not something that can be stripped away with censure or somebody's lack of appreciation for who I am. And there is no woman on earth that I am in competition with. There is only one me. Nobody does her better. Nobody ever will. I am the only one who can shine my light, speak my words, and bring my talents and gifts to the table. And I refuse to buy into that old patriarchal bullshit where we try to pin one beautiful talented woman against another. I got that message from Edward. Always trying to pin his two daughters against one another and playing favorites with them as though they were playthings, and he wasn't actually tasked with being a father and raising them, teaching them their worth, what true sisterhood and family love are. He had none of that wisdom to teach or share. Nothing but flash and the superficial. The things that truly don't matter in life. When I feel self-doubt, or the creeping feeling of imposter-syndrome... like I don't actually know what I'm doing. I'm not as good as people think. I made it this far, but I'm about to fuck it all up by just being myself and nobody wants that. When I start to feel that way...I want to let that go. Let the wind blow through my soul and clear out all of those years of conditioning, that kept me from knowing my worth. Get rid of the belief that I am not worthy, or that my story doesn't have a happy ending. When I feel like that, I'm going to pick myself up, tip my crown, and keep going Queen! I need to make peace with my past and not wear it as a badge of shame anymore. I can own it and know that my difficulties in life have taught me about compassion, strength, resilience, to focus on what really matters and not the superficial, and it has taught me how to keep going and have grit. Not seeking approval or company of people who try to make me feel like I need to be in competition and that I'm never enough, will make this easier.
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