Finding Your Mom in a Box of Small Details

I'm finally emptying my storage units, and delving through all of my family stuff. I spent tonight going through some of my mom's old things. One box in particular had a bunch of old papers. Now I know some people would just trash it immediately...and believe me, I'm tempted to, but it just isn't in my nature to do so. I have to read it and go through it, and make sure that I'm not getting rid of something *important*. Now how I define *important* and how another person defines that term is definitely going to be different. But I'll tell you some of the things that I found tonight, that I don't want to forget (bear in mind, this does *not* mean that I will keep these things forever)...just that I have to figure out how to move through the physical stuff, and be able to keep the happy feelings and memories in my heart and honor them in a very real and tangible way in my daily life. Anyhoo...on to the things I rediscovered tonight:

An old receipt from the Sonoma Mission Inn...my mom, Grandma and I would go there a couple of days before Christmas. It was our tradition, to escape the usual hectic wind-up that everyone else was doing right before the holidays. We would say "If it didn't get done by the 22nd...then it's OK. Now it's time to go and relax and remember that the real treasures in life are ones of the heart...and we're going to spend some time together as a family, and enjoy just being together." And we would. We would take yoga classes, and relax. Go swimming at night in the artesian mineral water pool, breathe in the eucalyptus vapors in the steam room, get massages and order room service. We had so much fun. And after a couple of days of relaxation, we would come home and enjoy Christmas *without* the stress. It was a great tradition. One that I fully intend on reliving with my family.

I also found appointment cards from an expensive hair salon that my mom used to take me to. She always had great hair. It was one of the things that she shared with me. I was lucky to have such a giving and fun mom.

But I think the best thing I found was a notepad of my mom's. She had her basic "to do" list kind of stuff in it. Phone numbers. Appointments. Broken things that she had to fix, and what her monthly budget was. ...but then she also had her thoughts written here and there. Hopes, fears, goals, and even challenges. She was a young woman, much like I am today. It's kind of weird to see your mom as a *person* more than your mom. And I realize how much my mom sacrificed to have me. To raise me, and do right by me. She was not perfect. But she gave it her whole heart and she gave up a lot. So much of me is echoed in that notepad. I see things so much more fully now compared to how I was as a teen. But I remember how I used to believe in my mom, and encourage her...I just have to keep doing that for myself now. I miss you so much mom. I know I'll see you again one day. But tonight, I just want to say thank you, for raising me and loving me. I know it wasn't easy. But I appreciate how hard you worked and how much you loved me and just kept pushing yourself to be a mom but never lose yourself. Thank you for that. 

Millie Meets Mr. Piccolo and The Cute Boy

I got to see Millie yesterday! And it was so good for my heart. It felt like coming home. Isn't it funny how the people we love the most in life, have that wonderful feeling of *home*. Just holding them, smiling, and being in their presence, is like a thousand home-cooked meals, Christmas mornings, and fires in the fireplace all wrapped up in one simple hug.  The Cute Boy and I went to the dog park with Mr. Piccolo 

and afterwards, we stopped by the nursing home that Millie is in. We brought Mr. Piccolo in to meet her, and immediately, all of the old people in the living room perked up when they saw "the puppy". There were so many smiling and eager faces. Even the woman who runs the place, came out to see him. We went to Millie's room to visit. And she sat down on the bed and cradled Mr. Piccolo. He didn't squirm or try to get away. In fact, he just relaxed and settled in. He was tuckered out from all of his running and playing at the dog park. And there's something about the energy of old people. It's sweet and safe. Calm and comforting. Ceci knew that Millie's arms were a safe place to be in and rest, so he closed his eyes and took a nap. 

"I want a puppy." Millie said. It's a universal truth shared between children and old people -everyone wants a puppy. When you let down your guard, and are open to what your heart really wants...at the end of the day, don't be surprised if "Puppy" is on the list. 

I told Millie that I would bring him back to visit again. Some time this week, I'm going to go back and paint her nails. She was really excited about this prospect. I realize my nail colors are a little limited right now. I just got 3 awesome O.P.I nail colors from a makeup artist friend of mine who was clearing out her stash. But they're all unusual and youthful colors like blue and milky white, named things like "Club Scene Queen". "Club Scene Queen" -that would be perfect for Millie wouldn't it? ;) I'll bring all of my colors and let her pick whatever she likes. She's getting up there in years now; in her upper ninety's. I think a little metallic disco blue would be nice. 

Overcoming Obstacles: The Foreclosure & Being Robbed

So many things have happened to me since I last posted. I'm surprised that the blog has kept a fair amount of readers coming back. To those of you who just kept coming back, and perusing my older posts...thanks.

I wasn't exactly sure where to begin, with what has been going on with my life. And that initial "not knowing where to start"  quickly became overwhelmed and just deep-bone-tired. I didn't want to look back at what I had just gone through. It was too painful and too fresh. I just wanted to move forward with my life and just keep going. But even those intentions seemed to befuddle me. I've been waiting to write, so that when I did, it would be something positive. Something useful. I didn't want to seem like a sad or broken person. Or like someone who whined a lot or was constantly down. So I waited. I waited for the wisdom and the beauty of life to occur to me. I waited to see the deeper life lessons that could be gleaned from tragedy. I know they're there. But honestly. I am a little wounded. The things that I've been through *did* hurt. A lot. And they still do. Don't feel sorry for me folks, 'cause I'm making it through just fine. But denying the pain of it, just isn't helping me any. So it's time I just get back to trying to be real. The real me. With everything that entails. -Including being hurt and sad at times. So here it is: my childhood home, a place which should be mine today, was foreclosed on. The bank refused to speak with me, after my mother died, and refused to acknowledge me as the rightful owner. They wouldn't accept any payments from me. And in the end, stole my family home. A place, where my grandparents lived and died. A place where my own mom, lived and died. A place where in some ways I have lived and died a little too.

I never thought I would see this day; when my home was not my *home* anymore. The word "home" has so many connotations. And I've been struggling with it ever since the move. When my mother died, I struggled with it then too. I didn't feel like that house was home anymore, without her there. It was hard coming home to an empty house, with no one to greet me, and no one to love. The place that I live in now, is so different. The people are very different, and not very warm in the way my family was. So it's hard. I miss that. I miss feeling like "I belong" here, and that "this is my home" because my heart tells me so. My heart keeps telling me that this current place is not my home. It's just a temporary place. A tent in the desert..but not the promised land. I know that I should be grateful for what I've been given, and I am. I just also, feel very alone and adrift right now. And I *want* to feel that wonderful feeling of *home* again. The feeling of love, and warmth, and comfort. It has very little to do with the actual house really, and so much to do with the people. -I miss my family. Deeply. Every day.

I am loved. I know that. And I do experience joy, and happiness. But not in the same quantities or frequent daily occasions that I used to. Not to the same depths either. It's a hard adjustment to make. And I get stuck on how to appropriately express this grief, while not insulting those who actually do love me and are here for me. -I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I know that I do. Just by being sad, I do.

Somewhere in this whole ordeal, I was robbed. The robbers took everything of value. It's been several months since this happened, and the things that they stole that I was most upset about (my grandparent's wedding photo's) -which I'm sure they weren't *trying* to take, but unfortunately were stored with other things that they did want; have luckily been replaced! How can a wedding photo be replaced you ask? Well I'll tell ya! Luckily for me, in an old antique chest in the garage, my grandparents had ONE duplicate copy of their wedding picture inside the church

...and to my surprise...ANOTHER photo that was taken of them *outside* the church!

YAY! Awesome discovery!!! Also...since my mother was adopted, I thought for sure I would never get another copy of her birth parent's wedding photo...but because it was an adoption within the family (the woman I know as my grandma was biologically my great-aunt) there was a copy of that photo given as a gift to my grandparents. :)) YES!

So the most priceless things have been replaced. The diamonds, the gold, the money, the china, the furniture, the antique silver, my photography and computer equipment are all replaceable. Sure it won't be the exact same pair of earrings that my mom gave me, to remind me always that "you are special".  But it doesn't need to be. I know I'm loved. I know I am special. And I know that I will make it through this period of my life and onto greater things. And when I do...I am getting myself a pair of diamond earrings to celebrate. In the mean time...I'm back, I've got my fighting spirit back, and I'm ready to enjoy what there is to enjoy about life.

...Just for good measure...I'm including another awesome photo I discovered in the trunk:

This is my Grandpa when he was a little boy. The year is 1922. The woman with him is his mom, Edith. From what I've been told, Edith was a very loving woman. She used to make fresh whipped cream (whipped by HAND in those days!) EVERY DAY to go with whatever dessert she made. Talk about love!

Day Fourteen and Fifteen of the Juice Fast

Day Fourteen and fifteen...Well... I took a couple of days off. I had an IUD inserted yesterday. After being in a monogamous relationship for a while, and deciding that I really *don't* want kids any time in the next couple of years, I decided to go ahead and get an IUD inserted. 

IUD's have come a long way since the sexual revolution of the 70's, when they were relatively new in this country and the kinks weren't completely worked out. I recall my mother warning me to never get an IUD because they could cause infertility and all sorts of problems in a woman's uterus. -A truly horrifying place to have problems! 

When I went to my primary care physician and requested an IUD, she told me that I would have to sign up for a class about long-term contraception, be tested for Chlamydia (don't ask why that specific STI test is administered...It's just standard issue for getting an IUD, they want to make sure that you don't have *any* STI's but especially that one, as I hear it can cause inflammation in your uterus which is a particularly bad combination with an IUD.) And lastly, I had to make sure I wasn't pregnant. Then, once all of that was done, I could schedule the insertion for the tail end of my next period. They like to put them in then because a woman's cervix is most dilated after her period, which makes for a slightly easier insertion, especially among women who have never had a child (me!).The procedure only took about 15 minutes, but was one of the most uncomfortable few moments of my life to date. When the Dr. actually pushed through my cervix, I had to grip the table. There was this very sweet nurse who kept telling me to relax...that tensing up would make everything tighter and therefore more painful. She asked me what I liked to do to relax...I told her I liked to get a massage. So she suggested that I imagine that this was just like getting a massage. HA! That idea was so funny to me, I couldn't help but laugh. Yes...this is *exactly* like getting a massage...in my uterus...by a stranger...with a speculum, and an IUD insertion tool. Yep. Just like a day at the spa. ;p For the briefest of moments, I thought "Geeze if this is how painful it is to have something as small as a pea go through your cervix, I don't want kids!" I mean, I cannot imagine how painful that would be. When it was done, the Dr. did an ultrasound to make sure that the IUD was in place, and then I was free to go. I felt nauseated and crampy. On our way out to the car, the Cute Boy held my hand, and said he really felt for all of the pain and stuff that women had to go through. "You women do a lot. You have to go through a lot. I'm thankful for all that you do.". Hearing that made me feel better. It was comforting to have a teammate who appreciated the physical sacrifices and responsibilities that women go through. I know, I have a good man. 

When we got home, I made some horribly inedible tortillas and had a small bowl of beans. Then I fed my hockey puck of flatbread to the dogs, and relaxed with a heating pad. I could feel the tissues around my uterus were inflamed and hard, and I marveled at the fact that my uterus (an almost imaginary thing to me...like unicorns, and the tooth fairy) was actually real...AND it was exactly where they had always told me it was. I've never had a baby, never felt anything grow. or push. or stretch there...so to actually feel it (my ute) was kind of amazing and cool. 

So I took yesterday off from the juice fast and just recovered and relaxed. That extended into today, as I was still feeling a bit crampy and tired. But tomorrow, I'm back on it. At my weigh in at the doctor's office, I discovered that I had lost another two pounds. Which is all pretty encouraging. I'm finally beginning to poop normally and feel better from the inside. So progress is still coming along, and I feel pretty good about that. 

Things I learned today:

1. It's OK to take a break to take care of yourself.
2. The Cute Boy continues to impress me and I feel very happy with him by my side in life.
3. If I didn't have health insurance, getting an IUD would have cost me somewhere around $1,000 -for something that is little more than a small piece of mass produced plastic with a little string attached! I think it's completely crazy and just flat out wrong that women often times have to inequitably shoulder the expense, the responsibility, and the pain of contraception, childbirth, and child rearing. There needs to be a cultural revolution to change this. 

Day Thirteen of the Juice Fast

Today, I cooked. I'm still juicing today, but I felt in control enough to actually set to work in the kitchen and make two big pots of ox tail stew with fresh pinto beans. They're on the stove right now cooking over a low simmer, and should be done in about three more hours. I haven't made this recipe since I was a teenager, but I felt confident that I could still make it from scratch, seeing as it was a general staple in my house growing up. My grandparents, who are originally from the Southwest and lived for many years in Colorado, had a large pot of this on their stove year round. It's actually a pretty healthy and tasty dish. It's filling and provides a lot of plant based protein, so I'm making it for my Cute Boy to nosh on while I continue on with the juice fast. 

For dinner, I also made him some light fluffy scrambled eggs and oatmeal buttermilk pancakes. I'm freezing the rest so he and the 'mates can have quick easy healthy breakfasts available. 

Now one would think that all of this cooking would send me into a rabid food frenzy, but strangely, it's just the opposite. I love to cook. Moreover, I love to feed and nourish the people that I love. It makes me feel good to take good care of them. I will admit, it's a comfort to me. It's one of the more pleasant memories and habits that formed over the  many years I spent caring for, and fattening up my terminally ill mother. And now that she's gone, it comforts me to be able to cook for others. I guess in some way, some part of me, imagines that she is still here somewhere...waiting for dinner. :) (Oh how I wish!) But even though she's not here to taste the food, I can still picture what she would say if she were here. She'd smell the fresh garlic and onions cooking, and turn the stew with the ladle to see how it was coming along. And right after her first bite, she'd say with enthusiasm "MmmmMmmm Mmmmmmm!" And now, the Cute Boy does it; and that fills my cup with love. 

An interesting side note about juicing in the midst of a kitchen full of tasty rich smells and food...the freshness of the juice was actually very nice. And I found myself happy to have it instead of something heavy. 

Things I learned today:

1. Juicing continues to get easier. 
2. Cooking gives me comfort and helps me de-stress, even if the food is not consumed by me. 
3. My heart needs people to love and people to feed. I guess this means I have the soul of a true cook. :)

Day Twelve of the Juice Fast

Day Twelve...and admittedly, I wasn't feeling the greatest today. My acid was up and I ended up puking at the end of the day, after struggling not to for several hours. Also, my skin is breaking out today. I find it hard to believe that this is all from yesterday's free day...but I think it is. :p 

The Cute Boy and I stocked up on fresh produce, and less acidic fruits and vegetables for tomorrow's juice. in the meanwhile, I took my acid suppressor today, and I plan on making my juices slightly more vegetable and less fruit to cut down additionally on the acid. 

On the plus side, I found myself cooking today. I'm not going to eat any of it, but I realized after a slightly stressful day with the dog trainer and hounds...and getting chastised for my lack of control over my dogs, I was completely frazzled and stressed out. I needed to unwind. Now normally when I feel this way, I would make something delicious to eat and have it. But since I've been on the juice fast, I've stayed largely away from the kitchen and food, unless I was preparing my juices. I like to cook though. It's relaxing for me. And the absence of it from my life these past weeks has been building up stress. Mainly because I haven't started developing alternative means of de-stressing in my life. So...I've got to work on that. -Tomorrow, I'll put some thought into it. But right now, I'm thinking walking the dogs, bike riding, and going to the gym are good ways of relaxing instead of cooking and eating. 

Tonight, however, I put the oats and buttermilk to soak over night for the pancakes tomorrow morning. And I also cleaned and sorted a big bag of pinto beans, which are currently soaking over night as well. The Cute Boy is going to have some tasty/healthy grub come tomorrow. 

Things I learned today:

1. Yeah...I can eat whatever I want on my free days...but I should know by now that if I eat junk food, my body will only spaz out on it and create nausea inducing stomach acid. Next time, eat light.
2. Cooking has been a way for me to relax all these years. 
3. I need to find better methods of relaxation that are not so food oriented. 
4. When all else fails...take a nap. You'll feel better, I swear.

Day Eleven my first free day

I'm counting this as day eleven of my juice fast, even though (yes I know) I was not juice fasting today...this was my free day. Since it's past midnight here...I am back on the juice fast.

So free day. I know that this may be a touchy issue with some of you. There are a lot of people who say that you absolutely MUST break a fast in a certain way. Some common advice on how to "properly" break a fast that I found on the Internet is:

• Make the period of time that you take to gradually reintroduce foods into your diet approximately half the time that you were on the fast. So, since I've been juicing for ten days, that would be a five day period to slowly break the fast; during which, I would be slowly introducing fresh fruit and vegetables, then light foods like soups, broths, and smoothies. 
• Don't rush or eat a large heavy meal.

As far as I can find, the worst thing that will actually happen to you if you don't follow this advice is flatulence, nausea, constipation, stomach ache, vomiting and diarrhea. ...And I was willing to risk it. I had cravings that would only shut up if I promised that I would eat some pickles, root beer and a taco today. Going from pretty much eating whatever I wanted, to just fresh fruit and vegetable juice was amazingly difficult. And I only came this far BECAUSE I allowed myself this free day. Now I'm not good at restraint. This is a skill that I am learning and building within myself, so who knows where I'll be with this down the road? In a few weeks or months, I may feel differently about this. But this is a journey that I will experience first hand. And right now, I need my free days. I don't think I gained weight today. But I also know that I didn't lose any either. So free days are basically a wash. They serve as a way for me to take a break from the austerity of fasting and also allow me to continue on for longer periods of juicing. (At least..that's what I think of them today.)

So what did I eat? -Everything. I had: an egg sandwich, 7 Pizza Bites, 3 Bagel Bites, a taco, a bean burrito with extra onions, a grilled cheese sandwich, HALF a jar of pickles, two liters of diet root beer, a slice of pizza, some jalapeño chips, a sip of cherry icee, and a handful of skittles. So all in all a pretty horrible day diet wise. It tasted great but had almost no nutritional value. But what I was really testing out was how would my body respond? Would I be doubled over in pain? Would explosions of diarrhea come flying out of my ass? The answer is: No. I was fine. I felt pretty much the same. Not tip top yet, but not horrible either. I did notice that I got full with much less food. Nothing too dramatic. A good example would be dinner; it had been about 3 hours since I had eaten, and I ended up having one slice of pizza for dinner (and I couldn't even finish the slice!). Now granted...this is a monstrously large, deep-dish, Chicago-style pizza. But still...before this juice fast, I could have easily eaten two slices, plus a salad. And now, I was full for the rest of the evening on one slice. This is not too bad. I had a lot of different foods, but most of it was in very small portions. I pretty much grazed my way through the last twenty-four hours, and my tummy is no worse for the wear. I think this may be because I am in a way still digesting and drinking juice, so it's not like my body is going from complete nothing to digesting a shoe. I plan on trying a more traditional "break" from the fast in the future. I'm curious to see how it will fare compared to today?

Things I learned today:

1. Contrary to what many, many, many people will say on the interwebs; you CAN break a fast and just start eating. Nothing truly horrible happens. The worst that might happen is an upset tummy and some gas. But even that doesn't always happen. I do think that the more traditional way of breaking a fast, slowly, and by gradually introducing small amounts of lean healthy foods into your diet, probably IS the best way to do it. I'm just saying that if you don't do it that way, and just rush out and get some Taco Bell...nothing really happens. At least...nothing really happened to me. Who knows about you?
2. Nathan's Kosher pickles are not only delicious. But they also only have 5 calories each, making them an awesome guilt-free snack. 
3. Towards the end of my free day I actually did crave juice and fresh water. 
4. My eyes are always bigger then my stomach. 

Day Ten of the juice fast

I made it through day TEN! YES! 

The last few days, I've been pouring over the Internet adding new pins to my Pinterest "Food" board. It's become an amalgamation of fresh healthy food and heavenly cardiac arrest food. One of my favorite new sites that I found was http://norecipes.com; upon which I found the egg sandwich image on the right, which inspired me to want to make it. 

This evening, the Cute Boy and I went shopping in preparation for tomorrow's free day. OMG! I had it all planned out...I wanted to make an egg sandwich. My eggs, would be my masterpiece. I was going to really take my time making them. I was going to enjoy this. I was going to slowly whisk together fresh eggs with milk, butter, salt and pepper. Then cook them over low heat so that the eggs get extra fluffy and creamy. Then...there was supposed to be a light buttery croissant, cut in half, upon which would sit my perfect eggs, and smooth meaty spears of avocado, fresh diced tomatoes, and a sprinkle of Diamond Kosher Salt on top to bring out the flavor of the avocado and tomato. UGH! I had really thought this out. But then...the store was out of edible avocados. They had some that were beat up and mush, and then they had a bag of rock hard ones...which would not be ready tomorrow. Now at this point, looking back, I can see what I *should have done* was get what I needed, and then go to a different store for the avocado. Duh. But what I ended up doing was chuck that idea completely and I headed to the frozen food aisle, where I got a box of sausage egg breakfast croissants. 

Along the way...I also picked up fixin's to make my famous oatmeal buttermilk pancakes! Everyone in the house is looking forward to a pancake breakfast tomorrow...with freshly squeezed OJ. ;) I also got a package of Bagel Bites AND Totino's Pizza Bites. I haven't had Bagel Bites since I was a kid, and I've never had the latter before but the cravings that I've been having have driven them to the forefront of my imagination. The strange thing is, under normal circumstances, I know that I wouldn't be buying the pizza bites. Egg sammich -yeah guilty. That is one of my most favorite comfort foods in the world. Oh...I also got some bread and cheese to make grilled cheese sandwiches...and some peanut butter in case I felt like making a peanut butter and marmalade sandwich. I honestly don't know what I was thinking...except that I wanted to "eat all the food" and I couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to have. As we loaded up the groceries, I told the Cute Boy that he would probably have to eat most of this stuff by himself, after my free day. He understood and was willing to take that bullet for me...cause he's awesome like that...and this shit tastes good even if it's not good for you. By the time I got home, I realized what a blessing this shopping trip really was. I'm not too worried about the next few days. I know that I'm going be fine having a free day and then getting back on the juice fast again. What I did realize though  was how I was going to have to actually "practice" planning, shopping, and cooking healthfully. So most definitely, towards the end of my juice fast...I can see clearly that I'm going to work in cooking. I also see the value in the free days because they're not only pressure release valves, but also very valuable test runs for my life after the fast. So clearly...I've got a long way to go before I have a handle on these things. But I am working on it. and gleaning all lessons (both intended and accidental) along the way. 

Things I learned today:

1. Free days are excellent test runs for the real thing: aka. life after the juice fast.

Day Nine of the juice fast

Holy smokes! One more day to go, and it's my free day!!! :) I am in the home stretch here! Yes! Today was actually pretty easy. I woke up early this morning, even though I went to bed late last night. And for the record...this is the ONLY daylight savings time "Spring forward" that I have ever enjoyed. I usually feel a little robbed losing an hour. But since it came during my juice fast this year...getting one hour closer to my free day is A-OK with me. :)) 

Apart from some minor acid this morning, I felt great! My energy was good today. It seems that as this fast goes on, I find myself waking up early in the morning, wide awake, *with* energy. It's something that I remember from childhood...but has largely eluded me in adulthood. I feel perfectly rested, and like it's just *time* (as in my body feels like it actually is eager to get up). At first, I fought this feeling. I was sure that I needed more sleep, and would try to actually go back to sleep. But as it keeps happening, and the volume on my daily energy keeps getting turned up more and more...I'm beginning to realize that this is a side effect from the juice fast. 

I feel pretty good about my plans for food and protein intake. And I plan on posting pics as soon as I go out and get some batteries for my camera. 

Things I learned today:

1. Red juice (from beets, red cabbage, kale, and apples) is a little fun AND gross to drink while watching "The Walking Dead" (it's my favorite zombie show on TV!)
2. Planning for ultimate victory, includes planning for some treats along the way, and a healthy long-term diet. 
3. That *not* being completely austere about this is a part of my long-term success. 
4. It feels really good to keep the juicing station I've set up in the kitchen clean and ready for action at a moments notice. I've set up a nice large butcher block cutting board. On it, I keep a chef's knife, and the cleaning tool for the juicer; and next to that is my juicer and salad spinner for washing greens. 

Day Eight of the Juice Fast

sSo yesterday was day EIGHT! And I made it through! I even sniffed my housemate's pizza, and admired how nice it looked. OK so I know that sounds silly...and like I MUST be jonesing for a pizza if I'm *sniffing* it like a drug...but I just wanted to enjoy the smell. with out having to indulge in the actual pizza itself. -And I did! Being able to pass on foods that would usually send me spiraling into a mass craving attack is a skill that I am *actively developing* in myself...and that's pretty cool as far as I'm concerned. This kind of stuff has historically NOT been my forte. But I'm getting better at it and learning so much through this juice fast. 

All in all, the juice fast it's self went really well yesterday, and was one of the easiest days so far. I had very minor cravings, which were easily re-focused and re-directed. I enjoyed the taste of my juices. And overall felt really well. I did have a moment of sadness, when someone posted this meme on Facebook about moms. It went like this: 

The last part about being willing to give everything up for my Mom to be here with me really got to me. I realize in a way, I have given everything up, but that doesn't bring back a loved one. The tears welled up inside of me and poured out, as I contemplated all of those adult years ahead of me -a vast stretch of time to me, where my mom wouldn't be around. I grieved the loss of the adult relationship, that we will never have the chance to have. And there's some really good stuff there. It makes me sad to think about all of those milestones and victories that my mom will not be here to share with me and my family. I miss her so much. And I love her so much. Where ever she is, I love her bigtime. Man...I WISH that I could go over to my mom's house and see her. I WISH that when I get married some day that my mom would be there laughing, dancing, and celebrating with me. (So I guess I'll just have to imagine that that's what she's doing in heaven on that day.) I WISH that she would gently and proudly hold and sway and dance with her grandchildren and tell them how loved and how beautiful they are and how proud of them she is. I know my mom well. I know, that if she was alive and healthy, if her disease had never taken her life, that she would be doing all of these things. I miss her so much. She had a kind of magic and love that I really miss. 

Anyhoo...I just want to say...that this diet isn't a magic cure-all for never feeling sad again. I did feel very sad. But I also, cried and let it go, and then felt better. -So no *depression* after feeling momentarily sad. Which is pretty effin' cool! I also didn't go running to food to comfort myself. Which was also very cool. 

Yesterday, I got a chance to talk with one of my best friends about the juice fast, which was really nice. She had so many good questions and we talked back and forth about our mutual issues with food and cravings and how we relate with food. She inspired me to keep making positive strides towards my good health. Let me just say, I LOVE talking with my friends about things like this. I get so much feedback and learn so much from what their experiences are. Plus, many times, they have a perspective that is a little bit different from mine, and they teach me the things that they have already learned. -Which is very helpful. So thanks! :)

After our chat, I got on the interwebs and started looking at YouTube videos of other people who have done juice fasts. Wow! There are a lot of them out there. The thing that struck me about quite a number of them, were the unhealthy pallor that many of the juicers took on after doing extended juice fasting. Their skin did NOT look like mine. In the last week, my skin has become markedly better. It's more radiant. It's not perfect by a long shot, but I can tell over time, that my acne will be much better after doing this for a few more weeks. A lot of them had also lost substantial muscle tone -which is something that I want to avoid at all costs. I have a long history of weight lifting. It's something that I really enjoy and I plan on not only maintaining the muscle that I have, but on building more of it while doing this juice fast. One more thing that came up while I was looking at these videos was the strict and restrictive approach that many of these people had. It was like they expected to consume nothing but juice for 30, 90, 100 days...and then eat nothing but raw fruits and vegetables. Which struck me as totally crazy and untenable. No wonder so many people aren't able to stick to this for long. My goal is to keep on doing this juice fast until: 1. my GI Tract issues are resolved. I want to be off of my medication for these things, I want to feel good in my body, no more intestinal or abdominal pain, no more vomiting, no more chronic diarrhea, and I would like for my labs to be normal.  My secondary goal is weight loss. I want to be healthy. So far, I am well on my way to achieving all of these goals and it feels good to be making progress in a positive direction in my life. But I really have to come up with a plan for my juice fast. I am nearing the 10 day point. My initial goal when I saw the "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" documentary was to just juice like the truck driver until I was in shape. But after a few days, I switched my goal to doing 10 days. At which point, I will have a free day and then get back on the juice fast. I am tossing around a few ideas and am trying to figure out how I want to do this. What I'm thinking about doing (and most likely will) is incorporating several ideas that I have learned over the years, from "Body for Life" and also my years as a McDougall vegetarian. 

So...from "Body for Life"...I'm pretty much going to do the whole weight lifting and fitness regime. Weight lifting 3 days a week, and doing cardio on the off days, with one free day a week, where I don't have to exercise AND I can eat WHATEVER I WANT for 24 hours. :) I'm building up slowly to this goal and beginning with walking the dogs and going to the gym 3 times a week. Eventually I'll get up to 6 days a week. The idea of a free day seems so important to me though. I remember that it really helped me stick to the diet before. It was like a little mental trick, I knew I could eat healthfully because all I had to do was make it to Sunday and then I could have whatever special treat I wanted. And one day of eating what you want, will not stop weight loss. If anything it makes long-term healthy eating something that is actually *doable* because you have space for cravings and eating what ever you like without judgement or feeling bad. It's like a planned pressure release, so that I don't feel "deprived". The other thing that I was thinking about is doing one week of juice fasting, and one week of eating McDougall and juicing, and switching back and forth. I may end up doing this if simply juicing feels too restrictive. But I'm setting this up as the perimeter of my diet, so that I can fall back to it as a contingency plan if I need to, but also so that I continue on with my juice fast in some way. One other thing that I am thinking about is incorporating soy-based protein shakes because I really DON'T want to lose muscle. I don't want to end this thing looking gaunt and pale and like a good stiff wind will knock me over. I want to be radiant and healthy. Strong and full of energy. So, if I notice that I'm losing muscle, or if building muscle becomes too hard on this diet (which it *may* because I'm not eating very much protein...there is *some* protein in some of the vegetables that I am juicing...but who knows if it'll be enough to maintain healthy muscle tone?) I guess we'll just have to see and make adjustments as needed to address the issue of muscle building. Anyhoo...these are the things that I'm playing around with in my head. But I want to come up with a clear plan so that I am not just at the sway of my momentary instincts/cravings. So I'll be thinking about it. And have the plan in place by the end of day 10...which is TOMORROW!!!! YES! I am so excited. 

Things I learned today:

1. Juice tastes SO much better with a few ice cubes in it. Room temperature juice just isn't the same.
2. Talking with friends makes juicing easier and is a good way of getting feedback and ideas. My friends have a lot of wisdom to share. I bet yours do too!
3. The cravings really do get easier.
4. I'm paying more attention to the emotional connection to eating now. And noticing how stress cues my body to eat comfort food. -But not any more....I'm also noticing how I can change that, once I am aware of it, and the underlying emotional causes. SWEET!
5. I have to have a plan that includes enough protein to build muscle. Period. 
6. I also have to have an eating plan that is something that I can enjoy long-term. 

Day Seven of the juice fast

I could hear a strange grinding coming from the kitchen. My normally powerful juicer sounded like it was going toe to toe with a tree stump. 

"Are you breaking my juicer?" I could hear the motor grinding in the other room.

"WHAAAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU." [he shuts off the motor] It's all right. Don't worry.

a few minutes later the Cute Boy enters the room bringing me my juice. "How is it?" he asks.

"Ugh. It's bitter. What was that noise in there?"

"Oh some of those pears you bought were really hard and were getting caught in the juicer."

"Pears??? I don't think I bought any pears?"

The Cute Boy goes into the kitchen and emerges once again holding a small, hard, unripe mango. And that would explain why this morning's juice is horribly bitter. I decide to roll with it. I'm going to just drink it quickly and wash it down with some water. On the plus side, it has instantly killed any and all cravings I've had for other things. I love my Cute Boy. He may not know much about produce, but he's learning, and he is so loving and sweet to me, I find myself laughing with him and enjoying the ride daily. Anyhoo... back to juicing. The green mango made the juice today extremely bitter and I'll just say it...was the kind of fiber that kept me running to the bathroom several times today. So noted. Check. No more green mangoes...unless you're constipated. 

For much of today, my cravings were at bay. They really came up when I took a walk past some restaurants around dinner time. OMG. BIG MISTAKE. I made it home to find one of the menfolk chowing down on a large sandwich...the scent of roasted meat wafted up to me and tickled my tummy. I drooled over his sandwich and headed to the juice machine. I brought out my arsenal of fruits and veggies, and took a look at my composition before I juiced it. It was beautiful. Such a large array of colors! I juiced them together and poured my green juice into my glass. It tasted fresh, and made me think of being on vacation in a tropical place. After just a few sips, I was back in control. I'm realizing that I'm going too far between juices. If I juice regularly I don't get hungry and want to binge on...EVERYTHING. But if I go too long (more than 4 hours) then I feel tempted by things that I can handle otherwise. I was actually hungry when this happened and it was the only big craving that I had today. I'm  wondering if I increase the number of juices that I make will the cravings diminish even more? (I think so...so I'm going to try that tomorrow.) 

Things I learned today:

1. Never ever juice an un-ripe mango. Period. 
2. It's better to err on the side of having too many juices then not enough. Keeping your body fed and satisfied really helps diminish cravings and helps you stay on track. 
3. All of the times that my Grandpa smiled warmly and ate our bad food or drank our bad coffee...and then thanked us and told us how good it was...and encouraged us to keep cooking...leading to our *eventual* culinary skill. -He did that because he loved us BIGTIME. And I'm glad that he taught me that skill. Not every juice that we've made so far have been "good". I've made a few, where the Cute Boy smiled and told me how good it was. And when he made me the green mango juice today, I had to do the same. 

Day Six of the juice fast.

Day six is over and I am actually shocked that it has almost been  a week. I have never done anything like this in my life. Before this juice fast, I was actually AGAINST juice fasts. I thought of them as unhealthy, extreme, and gimmicky. I didn't think they really worked. My arguments were, that the people who lose weight, are most likely losing water, muscle, and possibly pounds...because they were STARVING themselves. Not only did I think that it wouldn't work long-term, but that they would more than likely make things worse by slowing your metabolism and cause your body to hold onto every calorie consumed. It was not something that I was interested in, until my GI tract issues came into play. I was in so much pain that I was willing to try it simply because of the consistent nausea, vomiting, intestinal and abdominal pain, and diarrhea. Not to mention my excessive acid production which has caused painful acid reflux and bleeding. Weight loss was like the cherry on top. The main catalyst to me actually *starting* my juice fast, was the pain. 

Flash forward to today, and I've checked back in again with my Dr. (this time my regular primary care physician -so a 2nd Dr.) and she "fully endorses" my juice fast. She said that after reviewing my lab results from last week, she doesn't think that it's a gallbladder issue. My liver and kidney functions are excellent, and my cholesterol was as well. She seemed to think that it was most likely stress related, but that the "radical" actions that I had taken, by changing my diet so severely, seemed to be working. My blood pressure is great and I am happy to report that since I've begun this juice fast, I have lost 7 pounds! I was surprised at the number because I wasn't really sure if I had lost any weight. The Cute Boy has also lost 7 pounds...but it looks like more on his body. I can see his abs and back have leaned out. In a month, I will be checking back in with my Dr. and running a new panel of lab tests again, to see how my body is responding. I am off of all of my medications except for my anti-depressant, and I feel great! I still have some minor GI tract issues (diarrhea) but my physician said that that would be the last thing to correct and would take some time to completely go away, but that as long as the juice fast keeps going the way it has, it seems like it should be gone soon. 

Around this age, my skin went crazy. 

Some other positive and surprising side effects are related to my skin. I have always had a hard time with my skin. Before I was a teenager, I effortlessly had beautiful, flawless skin, as most kids do. But when puberty hit, my skin went crazy. I had horrible acne that I controlled with oral antibiotics and topical prescription ointments; and even then, I'd still get break-outs! My acne followed me into adulthood. I get deep, large, sub-dermal pimples called cystic acne, and I almost always have some on my face or neck area. They hurt, they leave scars, and of course they're not particularly pretty either. Getting rid of my acne has been a very long struggle and I've tried a lot of different things. It was so bad that I was even considering Accutane. But one of the most unintended yet wonderful side-effects of this juice fast has been my skin. It's not producing as much sebum. If I forget to wash my face, I do NOT wake up with a face full of fresh pimples. It is noticeably brighter, more radiant, and kind of glowy looking. AND it's not oily at the end of the day! All of this is amazing! I wonder what my skin will look like long-term if I keep ingesting lots of fresh fruits and vegetables after this fast? It's kind of funny because this juice fast is just as radical as taking Accutane is, except that the side-effects are so much better for my long-term health, it's cheaper eating this way, and my skin gets better instantly and naturally. So apparently you really can fix skin problems from the inside out. :) I am very happy about this. 

My cravings are getting more manageable. And my overall health is better. At this point, The Cute Boy is back on solids. He doesn't have the same GI tract issues, and he has far less weight to lose then I do, to achieve a good healthy body weight. He broke his fast with Carl's Jr.! OMG! I cannot tell you how much I wanted a chicken sandwich today. I've never even had Carl's Jr's grilled "Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich" before but after hearing about his, I wanted one. In fact...I wanted TWO! The Cute Boy talked me down, and I went home and made a really nice juice. A few sips in and my rabid desire for a chicken sandwich began do dissipate. I gained control again, and then I relaxed and enjoyed the evening. Once I had made up my mind that I just wasn't going to do it, I wasn't going to eat junk food and break my juice fast, that I was going to follow through on my goal of doing 10 days on juice and see what that feels like (actually accomplishing a goal like this) I had an easier time of it. So I'm still going strong and looking forward to what tomorrow brings. 

Things I learned today: 

1. I learned how to distinguish between hunger and a craving. If I'm actually hungry, then a healthy alternative to the craving like fruit, veggies, or juice will sound appealing. If not, then it's just a craving and it will pass in 20 minutes. But if it's really hunger, then I go and make myself a juice and it goes away. Learning what is genuine hunger and what is a psychological/emotional craving is a true life skill. And I'm glad to be finally learning this. 
2. That being said...I am looking forward to eating again in a few days and I've been having a lot of fun on Pinterest finding tasty and healthy recipes. Who knew social networking sites would make "shopping" for tasty healthy recipes so much fun, so easy, and so organized? It's great! 
3. I lost 7 pounds in six days.
4. My skin is clearer. 
5. And oddly enough, I realised that I haven't been depressed. I've been so focused on sticking with the juice fast so much that I haven't had time or the inclination to feel sad. My therapist said that it may also be dietary related which is such a strange idea to me. But plausible after this personal experience.

Day Five of the Juice Fast

Day Five is done, and I'm still on the path!

Tonight was definitely a good test of my willpower. I got together with my girlfriends for "ladies night". Once a week we get together and hang out, while feasting on a pot luck dinner. I knew how hard it was going to be, simply being in a fun social environment with my besties. I was going to want to eat! The woman who hosts it is notorious for her cooking skills. And every week she made something absolutely delicious and tempting. She, was a goddess of food. Her talents: remarkable. This was going to be one hard evening of temptation and cravings.

I prepared for this evening earlier in the day, with my boyfriend. We went shopping at our local Food Maxx, where we found the fresh produce to not only be more varied, but it was also substantially cheaper then the Safeway where we had previously been purchasing our fruits and veggies. We stumbled upon a sale they were having on fresh pineapple -Two bucks! We loaded up on some other things and ended up heading out of there spending roughly eight bucks for two bags of groceries. Before, we were remarking about how expensive this juice fast was going to be, but now we realize that it's all in where you shop, and if you go to the right places, this will not only improve your health, but may actually be cheaper as well.

Ambrosia was my contribution to "ladies night", and fresh juice if there were any takers. Before I headed out from home, I thanked my housemate for all of the tempting shit he eats every day. I swear! Living with men! Every single day, I am bombarded with all sorts of temptation. There is nothing that they eat, that is not of the delicious and tempting sort. Living with this has been like being on a crash course in ninja diet school. My assiduous practice consists of my housemates making taco's, making burgers, making pizza, eating cake, eating more cake, now they're eating pie...and *I* am drinking my juice. My green juice. It has forced me to train my mind and focus. So I felt pretty confident, that after all this practice of restraint, that I could go into a social situation with lots of delicious foods, and stick to my juice fast. I almost lost my shit when I saw the cheesy rice balls from Trader Joes! I wanted to put them all in my face. And it would have been so easy to make an exception and just have a few, but I knew that my veneer of discipline was thin and that if I gave in to one thing, I didn't think I had the restraint to not have others. So I unpacked my juicer and focused on my dinner. I put all sorts of stuff in it: radishes, blueberries, cucumber, kale, red chard, strawberries, pineapple, and carrots. The hostess, and another friend, both had a shot of the deep browny-green juice. Oh my adventurous ones! How I love thee! It was adorable watching their faces pull up in surprise, when they realized that it did not in fact taste as bad as it looked. "It tastes green" one of them said. It was a pretty good juice. And as I sipped mine, I realized how good my body was feeling. And I had the strength and focus to enjoy my drink, and relax about the rice balls that were winking at me from the table.

Things that I learned today:

1. Food Maxx is amazingly cheap for fresh produce, and therefor rocks my world!
2. Kale makes the juice very dark green.
3. I may be struggling with my cravings, but I am also at the same time, THROUGH my struggles, developing more strength, self-confidence in my ability to succeed, and ability to chose healthy foods on a consistent basis. 
4. Those little tiny frozen pizza bites will haunt your dreams, if you let them. :)

Day Four of the Juice Fast

I made it through day four. The temptations and cravings are still everywhere. But I'm playing with it now a little bit more than before. I'm noticing how I can get a craving for say...a toasted onion bagel with cream cheese, or a bagel dog with mustard. and I can think about it, feel the pang inside my body, and then just divert my attention CONSCIOUSLY to something else; thereby, letting the craving and pang inside my body go. It's like my body has been in control of me, my cravings for fatty, salty, creamy junk food were running full speed, with no real control. And I'm learning control. It's not easy yet, but I feel myself growing here and am very proud of the last few days.

I watched the documentary that kind of kick started this "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" again today. It helped me recommit to doing this juice fast, and also let me know that it does get easier. Apparently, I'm still in the "detox" phase...well...according to the timeline that truck driver gave his overweight brother. He was trying to get him to try juice fasting for his health...and he said that he should try it for at least a week because the first week you are not feeling your best. Meh. Who knows? I am feeling better. Still off of the stomach acid suppressants and I haven't had to take the anti-nausea pills, or the muscle relaxer for my intestines. So I'd say, this thing is still going as planned, and I look forward to seeing what changes may come. :)

Things I learned today:

1. I can refocus my attention at will, including times when I am having a physical response to hunger cravings in my body. I can actually do something else, and my craving will go away within 20 minutes. 
2. That taking control of one aspect of your life, no matter how small, leads to other positive changes too. 
3. The Cute Boy must really think my skin is looking better because he mentioned it again today.  
4. Good nutrition actually does give you pep!

Day Three of the Juice Fast.

Day three, and I made it through pretty well. So my struggle yesterday both helped and hindered my progression. It hurt a little by sending me back to square one with the cravings. I had to go through the initial cravings of the first 24 again. But admittedly, they were far less this time BECAUSE of my fall from grace with the cupcake. I learned from that experience, so this time around, when I started feeling temptation, or hunger, or cravings for (today it was mini taco's...you know...those tiny ones that you can get from the freezer isle at Trader Joes?) ...Well previously, those had always seemed completely UNappetizing to me. But my housemate came home and baked a bunch up in the oven for his dinner, filling the entire house with the seductive and tantalizing aroma of mini-tacos. Yep. You heard that right. I'll probably never utter *that* ridiculous sentence out loud, but that is how jonesing I was people. I wanted to leave the house. And escape from temptation. But then Cute Boy said something that made me stand my ground. 

"You're gonna have to be able to overcome your cravings one day. People eat, and there's food everywhere." It was so true. I need to develop and master my ability to take charge over my cravings and impulses, and make good level headed decisions for myself. Trying to cloister myself off to avoid that is pointless because sooner or later, in order to have a healthy lifestyle *longterm*, I'm going to have to be able to go out into the great big world, where people eat all sorts of shit that's not good for them but tastes, smells, and feels good. And I'm going to have to be able to have the willpower to (even in that environment) make these same good choices for me. I have to be looking forward to the future, and my lifestyle choices beyond the fast. 

When consulting with my physician before beginning this juice fast, he said that the reason most diets don't work, is because they're not things that people can live with for the next 30 or so years. It's not enough to just lose the weight and momentarily improve your health, if you're not willing to also make the major lifestyle changes required to maintain those changes and continue to eat, drink, live, exercise in a way that you would be happy to make your life. So austerity is out the door for me. I have learned yet again, from past failures/experiences. In my teens and early twenties I was a McDougall vegetarian, which for those of you who didn't grow up in Sonoma County, he basically endorses a vegan diet. 

The basic idea behind McDougall Vegetarianism when I was doing it was: 

1. No Meat. Of any kind...and this includes fish and chicken for those of you who think that doesn't count. Also...no animal products, with the exception of honey. But no animal fats or lards. 
2. No Dairy. Milk, cheese, yogurt, etc. 
3. No Eggs.
4. Try to eat as many FRESH fruits, vegetables, and salads as possible. Legumes, baked potatoes, and whole grains are your friend. Eat them but always go for the whole grain unrefined version. 
5. You can eat bread and pastas but make sure they adhere to the restrictions of no dairy, eggs, etc. and make sure they're whole grain. This is going to mean a lot of package reading. Get used to this. It's all part of the McDougall lifestyle. But that's a good thing because you will become more conscious about the types of foods you eat, and actually *know* what's going into them.

The McDougall diet still stands today. I recently read an article about it, where the message seems to have been refined a bit from what I recall as a teen (but who knows...maybe I wasn't paying attention back then and missed this part?). Dr. McDougall has written a new book called "The Starch Solution", in which he still pushes his traditional diet but he emphasises the usefulness of ingesting plant based starches in our diets. This is a quote from the article promoting his new book: 

"Don’t skimp on the potatoes, corn, beans, whole grains, squash and other forms of plant-based starch. As long as you eat at least 900 calories of starch every day, you can eat whatever else you want and as much as you want.

It’s the same diet he has been advocating for the past 30 years, but after watching the rise and fall of low-fat and low-carbohydrate diets, McDougall still swears by it. The plan works because starches are low in calories and fat, he explains. When consumed at the level he recommends, they replace high-calorie, high-fat meats, cheeses and oils." 

This all makes a lot of sense to me. And from my years of experience eating this way, I can say that it really is  very difficult (almost impossible) to eat this way and get fat. So beyond the juice fast, I will most likely be returning to eating this way primarily. I will also, from time to time, as a special treat, have steak, cheese, ice-cream, whatever I like really. From what I recall, once you really throw yourself into eating like this, your taste buds seem to change and strangely, healthy things begin to become what you actually crave, and the heavier foods become less and less tempting, after you've indulged in them a few times, and found your stomach hurting for hours later. I will try to have a middle-way approach to my diet. Eat healthfully, but not focus on the restrictions as much as the desired things to eat such as fruits, veggies, and whole grains. 

The things that I have learned today are:

1. It's worthwhile to consider your relationship with food. Before this fast, I hadn't really been aware of how tied into food I was. My psyche, my social scene, and my happiness is deeply connected with food. That's not the end of the world. It's just an observation, which then makes it noticeable to me how important it is for me to develop my inner-strength and a more healthy relationship with food.
2. If you juice enough, your kitchen can smell fresh and green, like the Juice Shack, or a flower shop. 
3. One cannot juice a banana. ...But I gave it a go anyway. ;)

...oh it's also worthwhile to mention that cravings were still there today, but manageable. I did not have to take any of the anti-nausea medication, the muscle relaxer that works only on my intestines so that they stop hurting and giving me chronic diarrhea (yay TMI!), I also didn't feel nauseated today, I didn't have any acid reflux (totally amazing! Because mine is and has been bad for a very long time.) and I didn't have to take the medication that keeps my tummy acid production low..and I was still fine. Amazing. I felt good and clean from the inside. I had a bit of pain in my abdomen/intestinal area but not enough to warrant taking the medication for it. So these have all been really great improvements. The Cute Boy tells me that he thinks my skin is looking more radiant and glowy. Which is great encouragement (thanks Cute Boy!) and also just feels good to hear. 

The Juice Fast Days 1 and 2

The first 24 hours were the hardest so far. But I made it. I stuck to the juice fast. But today (day two), The Cute Boy's sister came to pick-up her pooch from our house, and as a thank you for watching Winnie, her basset hound, she brought us two chocolate cup cakes from a local bakery. ZOMIGOD! At first, Cute Boy told her he was sorry, but we had already started a juice fast. But when he turned to me and asked if I wanted to break the fast for these cupcakes, I eagerly said YES! I thanked her and then as soon as she left, The Cute Boy and I ate them. They were good, but I didn't fully enjoy it because of the guilt I had from throwing myself off of the wagon for a cupcake. And once that floodgate was opened, I had to have the chicken hotdog that I had been jonesing for during the first day. My boyfriend and roommates tried to keep me on my fast, but I refused. At this point, my hunger welled up inside of me like a lion, and I had to eat a CHILI DOG! I nuked the hotdogs, and ate one plain and made myself another one with chili, cheddar, and onions. My tummy ached as I ate. But I managed to keep down my food.

Afterwards, I cleaned up and got back on my fast. I refuse to feel too bad about eating these things today. It's true, I let myself down, but that's to be expected sometimes. Creating new habits and paths in life includes the times that we try and fail, or just don't do it perfectly. So what! Even with this little misstep, I'm still very proud of what The Cute Boy and I have been doing. During the last two days, we've juiced more fruits and vegetables than most people will eat in a week. -EASILY. I am proud of getting through the first 24 and for NOT diving into a big bowl of pasta or a cheese pizza like I was tempted to do countless times that day. I'm developing self-restraint and discipline with my food choices. This stuff all relates to deep karma for me, so it's pretty hard stuff to change. But I'm going for it!

I have learned a few things so far:

1. Stick to your goals. Don't make exceptions because it just opens the door to other *exceptions*. If you don't stick with the juice fast perfectly, don't waste any time feeling bad about it, just get back on the juice fast.

2. The first 24 hours are by far the hardest. It's like your body can't believe that you've actually begun this crazy thing. But don't worry...it gets easier. And the hunger pangs and random wild cravings do diminish. Eventually your brain will stop brainstorming about all of the nummy food that you can no longer eat and get with the program.

3. It feels good to be tempted and to have the strength to *not* react to that impulse of momentary temptation.

4. Juicing tastes great! The mixes that we've been making are approx. half veggies and half fruit, and it tastes so fresh and really good.

5. Drinking lots of water helps to feel full and stay hydrated.

6. It really does feel better. I say this while also admitting that I have been in a lot of pain the last few days from my GI tract issues, but the longer I stick with it, the better my body feels and seems to be reacting to this.

7. I think eating fruits and veggies will be much easier after this. 

Dealing With Misogyny

Yesterday, I posted something about being a woman dealing with misogyny. And I am happy to report, that after my musings were posted, I spoke with the gentleman who's behavior led to that post.  I said what I had to say, politely, and simply. I called him out on his behavior and told him that it was not O.K. with me. That even though I had, in the past, smiled and made light of it, that, that was a CHOICE made on my part in order to quell the situation, and maintain a peaceful environment. I let him know that I would like to work it out, but I did not offer up any solutions at the time. I just wanted to make him aware of the situation, and make it clear that I would stand up for myself if he ever disrespected me in a major way again. Then I put the ball in his court. I had thought about a few suggestions or alternatives to offer up. I thought back to my younger days when I had learned all about "I" statements. But ultimately, I decided to *not*  process everything with this person. -I didn't need to. It's not like he's my boyfriend. He was just a guy who was treating me differently (with less general respect) simply because I was the only female in his environment. I also wanted to give him a chance to come up with these solutions on his own. It hampers people's development as human beings, when you provide all of the answers for them. Not only is it disrespectful to do ('cause the underlying message in that is: "Hey, I'm going to fix this for you and tell you what to do because I don't think you're capable of figuring this out on your own.") it makes the solution something external rather than internal. Fundamentally I believe in this person's ability to get there on his own. It may be a long path, but I think he's on it -even if he's not aware of it.

It felt good to stand up for myself. He was quiet for a moment, and his eyes looked down, and then he apologized. I honestly didn't expect that. This is a person who could use a good deal of anger management, and although I had contemplated offering up this suggestion, I decided against it. He is the one who must make that move. And I don't want to *coerce* anyone into doing something that they don't want to do, no matter how helpful it may be for them in the long run. There are a few exceptions to this statement such as: children who need guidance, nurturance and structure...in that case I would not be above devious mom-like tricks. Whatever it takes really to help my beloved. But this person is not that close to me. He's a *friend* but not a best friend. And it seems that he needs to find his own path. I hope that he does. Living his life the way he does, with such consistent anger and disrespect towards approx. half of the population, ironically primarily hurts him. It ensures that he will be without a mate -because no self-respecting woman would choose to be with someone who has no respect for her or her sisters. It also pushes people away from him (his male friends AND me). -From what I can tell, I think I'm actually his ONLY female friend. That's pretty telling in and of itself! It limits the kinds of jobs that he can have and do well in. His whole life really. The longer he lives with this bitterness in his heart, the more self-fulfilling his beliefs become. He said something about love never working out and always leading to pain. Well...if you really believe that...then I'm afraid, that's what's going to be true for you in your lifetime. I know that a lot of his anger towards women stems from his still hurt feelings from past relationship failures, and for that, I have compassion. It's hard when things don't work out or when people don't treat you the way you'd like to be treated. It's sort of like he was once a beautiful butterfly who's had his wings crushed and mangled with defeat, and now, instead of straitening out his wings and giving himself all of the healing and love that he deserves, he's embraced the mangled crushed look, and become a curmudgeony old bug instead of a dazzling monarch. I wish you well butterfly. Get back to your roots because at the heart of it, I know you're a beautiful person. Learn to love and appreciate women. See them as your equals. Treat us like your beloved sister or mother, friend, or child. Learn to love with your whole being. I will be rooting for you. ...But just in case...I will also be carrying a fly swatter for when you get out of hand. ...Just sayin'...

How Do You Deal With A Misogynistic Pig?

Imagine that you are a woman. Now picture yourself engaged in a conversation with a man who says things to you like "You ask too many questions.". Someone who speaks over you when you are talking or makes a hand puppetting gesture like a person's mouth opening and closing "yap, yap, yap, yap, yap" in the background, while you are speaking. He does this often. Not because you actually *do* ask too many questions, or speak too much, but because he is the type of person who doesn't respect women, period. What he would prefer, is for you to sit quietly and attentively, eyes sparkling with interest, mouth pert in a quasi-enthusiastic smile, while he tells his stories. At the end, you laugh. On cue. And tell him how funny/smart/right/etc. he is. Now this guy isn't a jerk (all the time). He can actually be quite nice. But underlying that, is a general disrespect and hostility towards women. ...So what's a girl to do?

I want to play well with others...but what does one do, when one is faced with someone who doesn't play well with *you*? How do you handle it?

The men in my life that I am close to, tend to have this amazing quality of just being able to shrug it off and mentally (if not out loud as well) just say "Fuck him. He's being an asshole." -Which is true. He *is* being an asshole. But so what? That still doesn't cover my part of this equation. What do *I* do about it? I want to posses the same type of strong, level-headed comportment that my cousin, Mark does. He's a career military man, a Marine. And I have noticed the way he interacts with people. He is the type of guy who enters a room full of strangers, and will take the time to smile, look each person in the eye, while shaking their hand firmly and making sure to introduce himself politely and make sure that he has their name. He is strong but gentle. And I don't think that someone like the previously mentioned fellow, would ever dare to disrespect him. But maybe I'm wrong? Maybe he would? That part doesn't really matter though. I know that I cannot *make* people be nice to me. But what I really want to master in my life is control over my emotional state, so that when they do act like jerks, *I* am not reduced to tears, or eaten up by it in later hours...always wondering what I could have done differently to make history not happen. To make that interaction more pleasant and respectful for all. I am learning that I have to let that idea go. Into each life a little rain (and the occasional jerk) must fall. The big lesson for me is to learn how to handle *myself* in those situations. And how to feel good about it afterwards.

...So in this situation, I did stand up for myself. I did say "I do not ask too many questions." and I also tried to placate the situation and make nice by laughing it off and making a joke of it. But inside I felt like I had been run over. I can expect this situation to arise again because like I said, this person's problem is that they have a problem with women...and I am a woman. No getting around that sir. So sorry for my genitalia, or lack thereof. I have decided to try and think of good models for the type of strength that I would like to posses. Kind of like "What would Jesus do?" only it's more like..."What would my cousin Mark do?" or "What would Tecumseh do?"...or "What would my Grandma or Grandpa do?" ...and one of the things that I *know* they *wouldn't* do, is take crap from a person like that. I'm not sure how they would stand up against it but I know it would be dealt with and would not be ignored or woven into a part of everyday life, that's for sure.

Act of Valor

I actually saw "Act of Valor" last night with the dudes. (T'was a dude pick) The first 20 minutes were slow and I found myself feeling a bit like I had paid $10 to see a propaganda film that the U.S. government should have been paying *me* to watch. But once the action picked up, I found myself actually liking *parts* of it and thinking more deeply about the roles of our civic leaders and how that interacts with military. One of the things that I really took away was that the Navy Seals portrayed in this film were actually pretty good guys. They did not want to go to war, were not blood thirsty mercenaries, and if left well alone, would have been more than happy to live their lives in peace and service to their country and families. That ultimately, what they really wanted was peace and safety. Now this is either true, or one of the most influential pieces of propaganda that I've ever seen with my own eyes. Either way, it got me thinking about leadership and responsibility. And what occurred to me, was that our politicians weren't as driven as the men and women of our military, to be honest and to shoulder the responsibility (good or bad) for the outcome of their decisions. They actually seem compelled by the political structure of our country and how we integrate media into that mix, to lie and be deceitful about who they really are and what they really think. And when they make a mistake or leave someone waving in the wind all alone, political strategy would dictate that it would be a preferable course of action, to attempt to deflect and distance. To pretend that it was not them, who made the mistake. To find somebody else to blame. I'm sure you can see the problems that arise from this. We are living through them today. We are living in a world that often times seems lacking in humanistic values. Where mistakes are made -and repeated multiple times because no one is willing to take responsibility when things go wrong and say "OK this isn't working, we need to change somethings." Caring about one another, being compassionate, and working together to help create the solutions to our world's problems is everyone's responsibility. It's hard work embracing this type of ideology, but I think it is what will lead us to the collective outcome that we would all want: world peace. Or at least a world with less poopy stuff.

And at the end of the movie last night, I was introduced to a lovely poem by Chief Tecumseh, which I will leave you with to ponder. I love it. ...I may even frame it above my desk to inspire me daily. Here it is:

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.

Trouble no one about their religion;

respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours.

Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life.

Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people.

Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,

even a stranger, when in a lonely place.

Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living.

If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself.

Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools

and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled

with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep

and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way.

Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

~Chief Tecumseh, Shawnee Nation 

Moving In With Men: Gird Your Loins

"You're worried about the silverware?" He blurted it out like an accusation. I was being petty. It's true. I can't deny it. You see, we're in the process of moving in together. And I've never done this -live with a guy before. OK. That's not exactly true. I've "lived with guys" before...as in my roommates. And I never had any problems with that. Probably because Ron, (one of my previous housemates) had come up with the genius idea of having a maid come in every other week and clean the deep stuff. She'd wash the floors, and vacuum the whole house, including our rooms if we left the door open and the floor was clear of stuff. She'd even clean our windows and window sills so they never accumulated that gross schmutz that most people seem to have. And when the house was sparkly and clean, she'd go into the garden and cut some fresh flowers, leaving them in cute little bouquets all over the house...in the bathroom, on the dining room table, in the kitchen, even in my bedroom. I loved it! The main reason that we had a maid though was to avoid arguments. The kind that would arise when one roommate felt that they were doing more of the gross work than the others. I think this was particularly helpful in the bathroom area. With the maid, none of us ever had to scrub the tile, or for that matter...scrub the toilet. This can get particularly gross living with men, as they seem to sometimes *miss* and hit the floor next to the toilet. And my fears of how to *diplomatically* handle these situations sans maid service are starting to come up. I'm afraid of disrupting "The Dude Palace". I've got to get over this.

I honestly like living with guys. Apart from the occasional gross surprise that men seem to bring. Like cutting one on your foot while he sits down on the couch and you *naively* play footsie, teasingly nestling it underneath his oh-so-cute tushie, and then brrrrpppp. Insta-foot-massage of the *unwanted* kind (to which he vehemently denies ever happened.) But my foot knows the truth! And there's also the dude clutter, of video games, and movies, and dirty plates and glasses everywhere, which somehow seems worse than when *I* leave the same things around. Maybe because my stuff is interesting to me and theirs for the most part, is not. I have no interest at present in learning a new coding language or on perusing a Chemistry text book. But I like having these things somewhere in the living room. Just as to where is the question at hand? We've already established that the Cute Boy's family kitchen table will be the one we are using. And I like it. It's cute. It's oak. And it has a lot of good memories associated with it. It's one of the few family pieces of furniture he has actually. I like the idea of sitting down to dinner at it with him and the 'mates, and having house dinners.

You see...what I really want, more than anything, is that feeling of home. But I'd like *this* home to be a further evolution of my past ones. I want this one to be clean and inviting. Comfy and warm. Someplace that people really enjoy being. It's got the potential that's sure. And we'll get there. It's already an awesome house. And they've got most everything that a person could want by way of entertainment. I love being there and evening's spent in the living room are enjoyable. Scott and I take our dogs for walks or over to the nearby park to play fetch. I know I'm going to like being here. It's just lacking a woman's touch. I just get so hung up on the details. It actually IS important to me how my fork feels in my mouth. To the Cute Boy, this predilection that I have with nice silverware is weird. The oddly bent tines of his thin and tinny silverware seems fine to him and every one else in the house (all dudes for the record). But to me, it detracts from the sensuous feeling of pasta and cream sauce gliding over the tongue. I like to *experience* my food. It's like breathing or laughing to me. It's a part of every day life that I relish and enjoy. A while ago, I made a minor investment in what I like to think of as "nice silverware". I was at the downtown Crate and Barrel, near Union Square with a friend of mine and I just decided that if I was going to do it...I better just do it now. I had been eyeing the same set of silverware for oh...the last 7 or 8 years. And it seemed silly to *not* buy it. Every so often I would compare my red plastic picnic ware from Target, to the set I secretly desired, and I'd imagine how much better the food would feel if it was on the sturdy and chic set from CB. For the record, it did feel better. So now, naturally, I want to bring over my set and use it. Which isn't a problem, I'm sure. The problem is me again. I think about the janky bent tines and bent spoon handles they have...or how they will sometimes use butter knives as ad hoc tools to open things with, and I cringe.

Will they do this to my flatware? -Probably.

Won't they see the obvious superiority of these instruments and treat them accordingly? With respect? -Don't set your heart on it.

The silverware is just a small thing. This fear of living with men goes all over the place. And honestly, I need to just get over it. I need to love the things I love and use them, and not worry about weather or not they will break -because they will. Eventually, everything breaks or wears out. Entropic decline is the way of all things. And I've just got to make peace with that fact and get on with the business of living and enjoying. The *people* are what's important...not preventing wear and tear on my things. ...But it would be nice if my forks  could survive this move.