Dealing With Misogyny

Yesterday, I posted something about being a woman dealing with misogyny. And I am happy to report, that after my musings were posted, I spoke with the gentleman who's behavior led to that post.  I said what I had to say, politely, and simply. I called him out on his behavior and told him that it was not O.K. with me. That even though I had, in the past, smiled and made light of it, that, that was a CHOICE made on my part in order to quell the situation, and maintain a peaceful environment. I let him know that I would like to work it out, but I did not offer up any solutions at the time. I just wanted to make him aware of the situation, and make it clear that I would stand up for myself if he ever disrespected me in a major way again. Then I put the ball in his court. I had thought about a few suggestions or alternatives to offer up. I thought back to my younger days when I had learned all about "I" statements. But ultimately, I decided to *not*  process everything with this person. -I didn't need to. It's not like he's my boyfriend. He was just a guy who was treating me differently (with less general respect) simply because I was the only female in his environment. I also wanted to give him a chance to come up with these solutions on his own. It hampers people's development as human beings, when you provide all of the answers for them. Not only is it disrespectful to do ('cause the underlying message in that is: "Hey, I'm going to fix this for you and tell you what to do because I don't think you're capable of figuring this out on your own.") it makes the solution something external rather than internal. Fundamentally I believe in this person's ability to get there on his own. It may be a long path, but I think he's on it -even if he's not aware of it.

It felt good to stand up for myself. He was quiet for a moment, and his eyes looked down, and then he apologized. I honestly didn't expect that. This is a person who could use a good deal of anger management, and although I had contemplated offering up this suggestion, I decided against it. He is the one who must make that move. And I don't want to *coerce* anyone into doing something that they don't want to do, no matter how helpful it may be for them in the long run. There are a few exceptions to this statement such as: children who need guidance, nurturance and structure...in that case I would not be above devious mom-like tricks. Whatever it takes really to help my beloved. But this person is not that close to me. He's a *friend* but not a best friend. And it seems that he needs to find his own path. I hope that he does. Living his life the way he does, with such consistent anger and disrespect towards approx. half of the population, ironically primarily hurts him. It ensures that he will be without a mate -because no self-respecting woman would choose to be with someone who has no respect for her or her sisters. It also pushes people away from him (his male friends AND me). -From what I can tell, I think I'm actually his ONLY female friend. That's pretty telling in and of itself! It limits the kinds of jobs that he can have and do well in. His whole life really. The longer he lives with this bitterness in his heart, the more self-fulfilling his beliefs become. He said something about love never working out and always leading to pain. Well...if you really believe that...then I'm afraid, that's what's going to be true for you in your lifetime. I know that a lot of his anger towards women stems from his still hurt feelings from past relationship failures, and for that, I have compassion. It's hard when things don't work out or when people don't treat you the way you'd like to be treated. It's sort of like he was once a beautiful butterfly who's had his wings crushed and mangled with defeat, and now, instead of straitening out his wings and giving himself all of the healing and love that he deserves, he's embraced the mangled crushed look, and become a curmudgeony old bug instead of a dazzling monarch. I wish you well butterfly. Get back to your roots because at the heart of it, I know you're a beautiful person. Learn to love and appreciate women. See them as your equals. Treat us like your beloved sister or mother, friend, or child. Learn to love with your whole being. I will be rooting for you. ...But just in case...I will also be carrying a fly swatter for when you get out of hand. ...Just sayin'...

How Do You Deal With A Misogynistic Pig?

Imagine that you are a woman. Now picture yourself engaged in a conversation with a man who says things to you like "You ask too many questions.". Someone who speaks over you when you are talking or makes a hand puppetting gesture like a person's mouth opening and closing "yap, yap, yap, yap, yap" in the background, while you are speaking. He does this often. Not because you actually *do* ask too many questions, or speak too much, but because he is the type of person who doesn't respect women, period. What he would prefer, is for you to sit quietly and attentively, eyes sparkling with interest, mouth pert in a quasi-enthusiastic smile, while he tells his stories. At the end, you laugh. On cue. And tell him how funny/smart/right/etc. he is. Now this guy isn't a jerk (all the time). He can actually be quite nice. But underlying that, is a general disrespect and hostility towards women. ...So what's a girl to do?

I want to play well with others...but what does one do, when one is faced with someone who doesn't play well with *you*? How do you handle it?

The men in my life that I am close to, tend to have this amazing quality of just being able to shrug it off and mentally (if not out loud as well) just say "Fuck him. He's being an asshole." -Which is true. He *is* being an asshole. But so what? That still doesn't cover my part of this equation. What do *I* do about it? I want to posses the same type of strong, level-headed comportment that my cousin, Mark does. He's a career military man, a Marine. And I have noticed the way he interacts with people. He is the type of guy who enters a room full of strangers, and will take the time to smile, look each person in the eye, while shaking their hand firmly and making sure to introduce himself politely and make sure that he has their name. He is strong but gentle. And I don't think that someone like the previously mentioned fellow, would ever dare to disrespect him. But maybe I'm wrong? Maybe he would? That part doesn't really matter though. I know that I cannot *make* people be nice to me. But what I really want to master in my life is control over my emotional state, so that when they do act like jerks, *I* am not reduced to tears, or eaten up by it in later hours...always wondering what I could have done differently to make history not happen. To make that interaction more pleasant and respectful for all. I am learning that I have to let that idea go. Into each life a little rain (and the occasional jerk) must fall. The big lesson for me is to learn how to handle *myself* in those situations. And how to feel good about it afterwards.

...So in this situation, I did stand up for myself. I did say "I do not ask too many questions." and I also tried to placate the situation and make nice by laughing it off and making a joke of it. But inside I felt like I had been run over. I can expect this situation to arise again because like I said, this person's problem is that they have a problem with women...and I am a woman. No getting around that sir. So sorry for my genitalia, or lack thereof. I have decided to try and think of good models for the type of strength that I would like to posses. Kind of like "What would Jesus do?" only it's more like..."What would my cousin Mark do?" or "What would Tecumseh do?"...or "What would my Grandma or Grandpa do?" ...and one of the things that I *know* they *wouldn't* do, is take crap from a person like that. I'm not sure how they would stand up against it but I know it would be dealt with and would not be ignored or woven into a part of everyday life, that's for sure.