Day Eight of the Juice Fast

sSo yesterday was day EIGHT! And I made it through! I even sniffed my housemate's pizza, and admired how nice it looked. OK so I know that sounds silly...and like I MUST be jonesing for a pizza if I'm *sniffing* it like a drug...but I just wanted to enjoy the smell. with out having to indulge in the actual pizza itself. -And I did! Being able to pass on foods that would usually send me spiraling into a mass craving attack is a skill that I am *actively developing* in myself...and that's pretty cool as far as I'm concerned. This kind of stuff has historically NOT been my forte. But I'm getting better at it and learning so much through this juice fast. 

All in all, the juice fast it's self went really well yesterday, and was one of the easiest days so far. I had very minor cravings, which were easily re-focused and re-directed. I enjoyed the taste of my juices. And overall felt really well. I did have a moment of sadness, when someone posted this meme on Facebook about moms. It went like this: 

The last part about being willing to give everything up for my Mom to be here with me really got to me. I realize in a way, I have given everything up, but that doesn't bring back a loved one. The tears welled up inside of me and poured out, as I contemplated all of those adult years ahead of me -a vast stretch of time to me, where my mom wouldn't be around. I grieved the loss of the adult relationship, that we will never have the chance to have. And there's some really good stuff there. It makes me sad to think about all of those milestones and victories that my mom will not be here to share with me and my family. I miss her so much. And I love her so much. Where ever she is, I love her bigtime. Man...I WISH that I could go over to my mom's house and see her. I WISH that when I get married some day that my mom would be there laughing, dancing, and celebrating with me. (So I guess I'll just have to imagine that that's what she's doing in heaven on that day.) I WISH that she would gently and proudly hold and sway and dance with her grandchildren and tell them how loved and how beautiful they are and how proud of them she is. I know my mom well. I know, that if she was alive and healthy, if her disease had never taken her life, that she would be doing all of these things. I miss her so much. She had a kind of magic and love that I really miss. 

Anyhoo...I just want to say...that this diet isn't a magic cure-all for never feeling sad again. I did feel very sad. But I also, cried and let it go, and then felt better. -So no *depression* after feeling momentarily sad. Which is pretty effin' cool! I also didn't go running to food to comfort myself. Which was also very cool. 

Yesterday, I got a chance to talk with one of my best friends about the juice fast, which was really nice. She had so many good questions and we talked back and forth about our mutual issues with food and cravings and how we relate with food. She inspired me to keep making positive strides towards my good health. Let me just say, I LOVE talking with my friends about things like this. I get so much feedback and learn so much from what their experiences are. Plus, many times, they have a perspective that is a little bit different from mine, and they teach me the things that they have already learned. -Which is very helpful. So thanks! :)

After our chat, I got on the interwebs and started looking at YouTube videos of other people who have done juice fasts. Wow! There are a lot of them out there. The thing that struck me about quite a number of them, were the unhealthy pallor that many of the juicers took on after doing extended juice fasting. Their skin did NOT look like mine. In the last week, my skin has become markedly better. It's more radiant. It's not perfect by a long shot, but I can tell over time, that my acne will be much better after doing this for a few more weeks. A lot of them had also lost substantial muscle tone -which is something that I want to avoid at all costs. I have a long history of weight lifting. It's something that I really enjoy and I plan on not only maintaining the muscle that I have, but on building more of it while doing this juice fast. One more thing that came up while I was looking at these videos was the strict and restrictive approach that many of these people had. It was like they expected to consume nothing but juice for 30, 90, 100 days...and then eat nothing but raw fruits and vegetables. Which struck me as totally crazy and untenable. No wonder so many people aren't able to stick to this for long. My goal is to keep on doing this juice fast until: 1. my GI Tract issues are resolved. I want to be off of my medication for these things, I want to feel good in my body, no more intestinal or abdominal pain, no more vomiting, no more chronic diarrhea, and I would like for my labs to be normal.  My secondary goal is weight loss. I want to be healthy. So far, I am well on my way to achieving all of these goals and it feels good to be making progress in a positive direction in my life. But I really have to come up with a plan for my juice fast. I am nearing the 10 day point. My initial goal when I saw the "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" documentary was to just juice like the truck driver until I was in shape. But after a few days, I switched my goal to doing 10 days. At which point, I will have a free day and then get back on the juice fast. I am tossing around a few ideas and am trying to figure out how I want to do this. What I'm thinking about doing (and most likely will) is incorporating several ideas that I have learned over the years, from "Body for Life" and also my years as a McDougall vegetarian. 

So...from "Body for Life"...I'm pretty much going to do the whole weight lifting and fitness regime. Weight lifting 3 days a week, and doing cardio on the off days, with one free day a week, where I don't have to exercise AND I can eat WHATEVER I WANT for 24 hours. :) I'm building up slowly to this goal and beginning with walking the dogs and going to the gym 3 times a week. Eventually I'll get up to 6 days a week. The idea of a free day seems so important to me though. I remember that it really helped me stick to the diet before. It was like a little mental trick, I knew I could eat healthfully because all I had to do was make it to Sunday and then I could have whatever special treat I wanted. And one day of eating what you want, will not stop weight loss. If anything it makes long-term healthy eating something that is actually *doable* because you have space for cravings and eating what ever you like without judgement or feeling bad. It's like a planned pressure release, so that I don't feel "deprived". The other thing that I was thinking about is doing one week of juice fasting, and one week of eating McDougall and juicing, and switching back and forth. I may end up doing this if simply juicing feels too restrictive. But I'm setting this up as the perimeter of my diet, so that I can fall back to it as a contingency plan if I need to, but also so that I continue on with my juice fast in some way. One other thing that I am thinking about is incorporating soy-based protein shakes because I really DON'T want to lose muscle. I don't want to end this thing looking gaunt and pale and like a good stiff wind will knock me over. I want to be radiant and healthy. Strong and full of energy. So, if I notice that I'm losing muscle, or if building muscle becomes too hard on this diet (which it *may* because I'm not eating very much protein...there is *some* protein in some of the vegetables that I am juicing...but who knows if it'll be enough to maintain healthy muscle tone?) I guess we'll just have to see and make adjustments as needed to address the issue of muscle building. Anyhoo...these are the things that I'm playing around with in my head. But I want to come up with a clear plan so that I am not just at the sway of my momentary instincts/cravings. So I'll be thinking about it. And have the plan in place by the end of day 10...which is TOMORROW!!!! YES! I am so excited. 

Things I learned today:

1. Juice tastes SO much better with a few ice cubes in it. Room temperature juice just isn't the same.
2. Talking with friends makes juicing easier and is a good way of getting feedback and ideas. My friends have a lot of wisdom to share. I bet yours do too!
3. The cravings really do get easier.
4. I'm paying more attention to the emotional connection to eating now. And noticing how stress cues my body to eat comfort food. -But not any more....I'm also noticing how I can change that, once I am aware of it, and the underlying emotional causes. SWEET!
5. I have to have a plan that includes enough protein to build muscle. Period. 
6. I also have to have an eating plan that is something that I can enjoy long-term. 

Day Six of the juice fast.

Day six is over and I am actually shocked that it has almost been  a week. I have never done anything like this in my life. Before this juice fast, I was actually AGAINST juice fasts. I thought of them as unhealthy, extreme, and gimmicky. I didn't think they really worked. My arguments were, that the people who lose weight, are most likely losing water, muscle, and possibly pounds...because they were STARVING themselves. Not only did I think that it wouldn't work long-term, but that they would more than likely make things worse by slowing your metabolism and cause your body to hold onto every calorie consumed. It was not something that I was interested in, until my GI tract issues came into play. I was in so much pain that I was willing to try it simply because of the consistent nausea, vomiting, intestinal and abdominal pain, and diarrhea. Not to mention my excessive acid production which has caused painful acid reflux and bleeding. Weight loss was like the cherry on top. The main catalyst to me actually *starting* my juice fast, was the pain. 

Flash forward to today, and I've checked back in again with my Dr. (this time my regular primary care physician -so a 2nd Dr.) and she "fully endorses" my juice fast. She said that after reviewing my lab results from last week, she doesn't think that it's a gallbladder issue. My liver and kidney functions are excellent, and my cholesterol was as well. She seemed to think that it was most likely stress related, but that the "radical" actions that I had taken, by changing my diet so severely, seemed to be working. My blood pressure is great and I am happy to report that since I've begun this juice fast, I have lost 7 pounds! I was surprised at the number because I wasn't really sure if I had lost any weight. The Cute Boy has also lost 7 pounds...but it looks like more on his body. I can see his abs and back have leaned out. In a month, I will be checking back in with my Dr. and running a new panel of lab tests again, to see how my body is responding. I am off of all of my medications except for my anti-depressant, and I feel great! I still have some minor GI tract issues (diarrhea) but my physician said that that would be the last thing to correct and would take some time to completely go away, but that as long as the juice fast keeps going the way it has, it seems like it should be gone soon. 

Around this age, my skin went crazy. 

Some other positive and surprising side effects are related to my skin. I have always had a hard time with my skin. Before I was a teenager, I effortlessly had beautiful, flawless skin, as most kids do. But when puberty hit, my skin went crazy. I had horrible acne that I controlled with oral antibiotics and topical prescription ointments; and even then, I'd still get break-outs! My acne followed me into adulthood. I get deep, large, sub-dermal pimples called cystic acne, and I almost always have some on my face or neck area. They hurt, they leave scars, and of course they're not particularly pretty either. Getting rid of my acne has been a very long struggle and I've tried a lot of different things. It was so bad that I was even considering Accutane. But one of the most unintended yet wonderful side-effects of this juice fast has been my skin. It's not producing as much sebum. If I forget to wash my face, I do NOT wake up with a face full of fresh pimples. It is noticeably brighter, more radiant, and kind of glowy looking. AND it's not oily at the end of the day! All of this is amazing! I wonder what my skin will look like long-term if I keep ingesting lots of fresh fruits and vegetables after this fast? It's kind of funny because this juice fast is just as radical as taking Accutane is, except that the side-effects are so much better for my long-term health, it's cheaper eating this way, and my skin gets better instantly and naturally. So apparently you really can fix skin problems from the inside out. :) I am very happy about this. 

My cravings are getting more manageable. And my overall health is better. At this point, The Cute Boy is back on solids. He doesn't have the same GI tract issues, and he has far less weight to lose then I do, to achieve a good healthy body weight. He broke his fast with Carl's Jr.! OMG! I cannot tell you how much I wanted a chicken sandwich today. I've never even had Carl's Jr's grilled "Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich" before but after hearing about his, I wanted one. In fact...I wanted TWO! The Cute Boy talked me down, and I went home and made a really nice juice. A few sips in and my rabid desire for a chicken sandwich began do dissipate. I gained control again, and then I relaxed and enjoyed the evening. Once I had made up my mind that I just wasn't going to do it, I wasn't going to eat junk food and break my juice fast, that I was going to follow through on my goal of doing 10 days on juice and see what that feels like (actually accomplishing a goal like this) I had an easier time of it. So I'm still going strong and looking forward to what tomorrow brings. 

Things I learned today: 

1. I learned how to distinguish between hunger and a craving. If I'm actually hungry, then a healthy alternative to the craving like fruit, veggies, or juice will sound appealing. If not, then it's just a craving and it will pass in 20 minutes. But if it's really hunger, then I go and make myself a juice and it goes away. Learning what is genuine hunger and what is a psychological/emotional craving is a true life skill. And I'm glad to be finally learning this. 
2. That being said...I am looking forward to eating again in a few days and I've been having a lot of fun on Pinterest finding tasty and healthy recipes. Who knew social networking sites would make "shopping" for tasty healthy recipes so much fun, so easy, and so organized? It's great! 
3. I lost 7 pounds in six days.
4. My skin is clearer. 
5. And oddly enough, I realised that I haven't been depressed. I've been so focused on sticking with the juice fast so much that I haven't had time or the inclination to feel sad. My therapist said that it may also be dietary related which is such a strange idea to me. But plausible after this personal experience.

Reframing Depression

Sometimes things happen, that are not connected, but initially it's hard to see that. Well..for me anyways. I'd guess that's true for most people too though.

I came home the other day to find that someone had turned over a stack of plastic storage boxes that I had by my front door. Whoever had done it, had also taken the time to move the small bag of potting soil I had -probably contemplating weather or not it was worth taking. They pushed some vases and tiles that I had soaking to clean in one of the plastic boxes, onto the ground. They also turned over a beautifully aged pot that I had with plants in it. They dumped out the dirt, smothering the plants beneath, and took the planter. They also took a shovel while they were at it.

Coming home to this, was kind of a surprise. It felt like such a violation. I thought to myself "What kind of person does this and thinks it's OK?!? I felt like this person could strike again at any moment. I felt unsafe in my home. So much so, that I hid out at my boyfriends house largely for the next few nights. I didn't want to deal with that feeling. So putting some time and distance between me and the event seemed like a good idea. But after a little while, I felt depression creeping in. How strange? I didn't want to go out. I just wanted to curl up on the couch and cuddle with the Cute Boy and the dogs. But then, I went to see my therapist. And she had some very amusing and useful insights that I thought I'd share with you.

Part of the alarming thing to me was the feeling of depression coming over me. It was something that I had dealt with many years ago, and had believed that I had conquered and vanquished from my life. How wrong I was. It had returned with a vengeance. Mainly by making me feel sleepy and constantly hungry too. Nice combo for the love-handles!

Sabrina noted the way I talked about depression. Like it was mine, a thing that belonged to me. An intrinsic part of my nature. Like because at one point in my life I had ever felt it, and admitted to feeling it, that there was now a *seed* of depression planted within my soul and I was now forever marred by it. I would be forevermore someone who struggled with *depression*. I was one of those *depressed people*. "Sign me up for the meds doc, I've got the blues...forever." She actually laughed a bit about it. We both did. She said, I think it would be more useful to think of it like getting the flu or a cold. I would never say. "Well...I had the flu once when I was a teenager. Ya know...typical teen angst flu. And well. I thought it had gone away, but then...I got the flu again. It came back. But it turns out...I had the flu this whole time. I only *thought it was gone*. But it turns out, I'll have this flu for the rest of my life." So that's how I'm trying to look at it. Right now, I'm feeling a bit of depression. But I'm managing it. And I've got a pretty good plan for overcoming it. Bipedal locomotion will be involved. I plan on walking, biking, and swimming a lot. Also seeing my friends and laughing as much as possible. Getting good food and sleep. And also focusing on 3 things that are going to go well today (in the morning)...and visualizing them going well. And then at the end of the day, 3 things that went well and the reasons why. Even looking at depression this way helps. It feels less invisible. Less a part of me. Less entwined with my nature and spirit.