Saucer Magnolias

there was a place that I lived, where there were great big Saucer Magnolia trees that would reach gracefully into the April skies. Their pink thick petals stretched open and full. It reminded me of cold dark skies and having to rush home quickly after school before nightfall. The crisp rush of the cool night air, and thick clouds of smoke billowing out of the brick chimneytops. Was this Colorado? Or here? I don't remember. All that I remember was that she was there. Smiling, laughing, gregarious and full of life. We were together. 

Seeing The Legacy That I Am Here To Change

Uncovering more and more with my Ancestry.com membership. I discovered last evening that my beloved Grandpa Henry was Pueblo Indian from Colorado. I had heard that Grandpa was probably some sort of mix between Native American, White Man, and Mexican (whatever that meant? Aztec Indian? Spanish Invader? Mix of both?). But I discovered some census reports that gave me the names of my Grandpa's parents and siblings. This then led me to an Indian Census report (I had no idea that our country did this), and on it, I read that my Grandpa's sister was Pueblo Indian from Colorado. It said she was "F" for Full Blooded Indian. Which was so strange to me. I am still pretty sure that what my family said was correct and that this Indian Census report is just some broad strokes by a census worker. The strangest part was an Indian Allotment number? What is this?

Reading about the General Allotment Act of 1887 (The Dawes Act), and coming to understand the timing of this document and my family's migration from Colorado to the Southwest in New Mexico, and I see that I am not alone in losing a home. That my family, people that I love and had great respect and appreciation for, have also gone through this. Have faced being alone. Stripped of all grace. Taken to the ground. They've had great wrongs done to them. Lost everything. And in some cases, there was no happy ending. Sidenote: I found this book originally in the Library of Congress website when I was researching Pueblo Indians of Colorado (which is where our family is from), It is written by a man who was embedded with an American military regiment that did a survey of this area and its people, my people. This was compiled in 1875 and 1876. Just 11 years before the General Allotment Act of 1887 when so many Indian lands were stripped from them and sold to white men as "surplus lands". Stolen. The cruelty and theft given legitimacy by our government and the white men and women who benefited from this system of injustice and inequality. Anyhoo...It's interesting to think that this book contains an outsider's views on my ancestors. I can't wait to read it one day.

"A-Saddle in the Wild West: A Glimpse of Travel Among the Mountains, Lava Beds, Sand Deserts, Adobe Towns, Indian Reservations, and Ancient Pueblos of Southern Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona" by William Henry Rideing

I had no idea that my very happy, sweet and beautifully engaged and open Grandpa had such roots in oppression, unfairness, hardship, and poverty born out of a nation of theft. But he did. And most impressively, he only learned and grew in strength and wisdom because of these events. He knew people. He knew human nature. He was one of the wisest people I have known because of all that he went through and how it made him the wise man he came to be. And I am the same in that respect. All these things are only making me the brilliant, wise, powerful woman that I am destined to be. God is strengthening me through hardship, preparing me for my future where I will have to go up against greater challenges than I have before. And when I get to the most important battles of my life...the reason that I am here on this earth...I will be prepared. I will be strengthened. I will be hard and tough. And I will be victorious.

Somehow knowing that there has been an invisible legacy of hardship, oppression, tragedy, and loss, of being unstable. Not having a home. Not having the financial space to breathe, dream, and grow. Of never speaking of these things because to look back would bring up too many memories of pain, only making today that much harder to get through...and we are not people with spare energy to waste. Our lives are hard. We need every bit of mental and physical, energy and space. There is nothing to waste here. Knowing that my Grandma grew up in that, losing the family farm after one bad crop. Of my Grandpa's family being Pueblo Indians, who were forced to leave their tribal lands and relocate far away, eventually ending up working and living on a ranch in the Southwest. Of how they would come together and buy a home in Denver, only to have to leave when their son was stoned at school for not being white. The bank stealing my mother's home and duplex after she died, completing this cycle of theft and hardship. I see now that this was all just meant to happen. I am here to level this. I am here to break this. I am here to find a way through and make it better for all that follow me. 

Writing a New Chapter Journey: What is something you need to let go of. What is haunting you or weighing you down? How can you make peace with this or rid yourself of these ghosts?

I need to let go of all of the rejection I've felt in my life. The deep wound and pain of having a father that never loved me or showed up for me in my life. I  need to let go of the questions I have and let go of ever trying to figure it out. There is no magic right answer to change this history. And Edward is never coming to be my father and love me. Time and time again I've thought that I had overcome this foundation of pain and rejection...but I have not struck a final victory blow. Rather, I've chipped away at the pain, self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy...of never being enough for him to actually care and love me as his daughter. I've started to honor the Queen in me, and hold my head up high, my crown is always on my head, I wear it on the inside. The grace and strength in me is not something that can be stripped away with censure or somebody's lack of appreciation for who I am. And there is no woman on earth that I am in competition with. There is only one me. Nobody does her better. Nobody ever will. I am the only one who can shine my light, speak my words, and bring my talents and gifts to the table. And I refuse to buy into that old patriarchal bullshit where we try to pin one beautiful talented woman against another. I got that message from Edward. Always trying to pin his two daughters against one another and playing favorites with them as though they were playthings, and he wasn't actually tasked with being a father and raising them, teaching them their worth, what true sisterhood and family love are. He had none of that wisdom to teach or share. Nothing but flash and the superficial. The things that truly don't matter in life. When I feel self-doubt, or the creeping feeling of imposter-syndrome... like I don't actually know what I'm doing. I'm not as good as people think. I made it this far, but I'm about to fuck it all up by just being myself and nobody wants that. When I start to feel that way...I want to let that go. Let the wind blow through my soul and clear out all of those years of conditioning, that kept me from knowing my worth. Get rid of the belief that I am not worthy, or that my story doesn't have a happy ending. When I feel like that, I'm going to pick myself up, tip my crown, and keep going Queen! I need to make peace with my past and not wear it as a badge of shame anymore. I can own it and know that my difficulties in life have taught me about compassion, strength, resilience, to focus on what really matters and not the superficial, and it has taught me how to keep going and have grit. Not seeking approval or company of people who try to make me feel like I need to be in competition and that I'm never enough, will make this easier. 

Your Heart And My Heart Are Very, Very Old Friends.

Fear is the cheapest room in the house

I would like to see you living

In better conditions,

For your mother and my mother

Were friends.

I know the Innkeeper

In this part of the universe.

Get some rest tonight

Come to my verse again tomorrow.

We’ll go speak to the Friend together.

I should not make any promises right now,

But I know if you pray

Somewhere in this world-

Something good will happen.

God wants us to see

More love and playfulness in your eyes

For that is your greatest witness to Him.

Your soul and my soul

Once sat together in the Beloved’s womb

Playing footsie. Your heart and my heart

Are very, very old friends.

– Hafiz

It's funny to think that I was born when Millie was 59...And She knew me from practically the beginning of my life. I had my first birthday in the house across the street from hers. And if I think about the possibilities of who I have yet to meet and love in my life, it is kind of amazing. I could be like Millie one day...and one of my dearest old friends might not even be born yet. They might not even get here in the next two decades. -Kind of amazing when I think about it.

Know When To Hold 'Em, Know When To Fold 'Em: Two Basic Rules For Knowing When It's Time To Let Go

Imagine a color, that you've never seen before. Something new. Something that is not blue, red, orange, yellow, green purple, pink, black, white, brown, or gray. Something else entirely. My mind starts to think of textures when I do this exercise...but remember, you are not thinking of a texture you've never seen before, you are thinking of a *color* that you have never seen before. It's impossible to imagine. But every once in a while I like to try and see what I come up with.

Likewise, trying to imagine a feeling or a way of being, that your parents never taught you is kind of hard and sometimes close to impossible. Sometimes we need help. Another person who can model that behavior, or help teach us how to do things. 

Growing up with a mother who didn't stand up for herself very much, meant that I never really learned how to do it very well. I was always taught to turn the other cheek, and to always work toward peace and an accord. To always be looking for ways to improve a situation. But in some situations, with some people, approaching conflict like that will only lead to more and more conflict. Sometimes, you need to stand up for your right to be treated with kindness and dignity. To honor your basic humanity and self-worth you have to have limits on what you will allow in your life. What kind of treatment is OK, what kind of treatment is not OK (but still a resolvable situation), and when it is healthiest to call it quits and walk away. Kind of like the lyrics to The Gambler said "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away...and know when to run!" 

To me the rules on when you should simply disengage and walk away are simple: 

1. If further contact is likely to cause harm to yourself, it's time to go. 

2. If you are not dealing with a reasonable and rational person, it's time to go. 

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn in life because I like to imagine that everyone is capable of having a heart-to-heart dialogue and of resolving conflict in life. But the simple truth is we are not all capable of that. And those of us that are, are capable to varying degrees at different times in our lives, depending on what is going on. It's hard to walk away from people or a situation that you may have a personal stake in or emotional investment. But sometimes it is for the best. 

Before we can love others, we have to love ourselves. We have to be good to ourselves and lift ourselves up with words and thoughts of kindness and self-love first. Otherwise we will not have anything genuine to give. You can't give away emotions that you do not possess for yourself. If you've never learned how to love yourself, then authentically loving others especially in the stormy parts of life is infinitely harder.  

Relational Aggression...Or As I Like To Call It: "Bitch Please!"

Every Flower Must Grow Through Dirt

Relational aggression is when a person commits intentionally hurtful acts, that can damage another person's standing among their peers, and their feelings of acceptance or self-worth. -Think Mean Girls. Often times it is subtle, sophisticated, and easy to miss; which is why many people aren't aware of it. In the adult world, it can manifest as cruelly judging and putting-down a friend or co-worker; or alliance building with the intent to exclude one person from the group, etc. There are loads of ways that it can manifest. And in honesty, it's not limited to just women. Men do it too, but in my experience to a lesser extent. 

My first memory of relational aggression was in elementary school. I remember third grade, Mrs. Shane's room. There was a new boy who was transferring in partway through the year. Many of the other kids in class had already known him from past years, and there seemed to be a consensus that he was not liked. He was a bully. But the way that our class "welcomed" him seemed to be a bit of the same. -Someone put a thumbtack on the seat of his chair and he sat on it. I'm sure it hurt both physically and emotionally. From the first day, he was marked as an outcast. It was strange to see these normally friendly, kind, and inclusive children gang up and turn their backs on the new kid. 

In fifth grade I spent a period of two months, after my mother's divorce, as a mean girl. It was how I handled the pain of losing my family. Of going off to summer camp, only to get a letter informing me of the divorce. I never saw my house, my dog, my brothers and step-father, my friends, my school, my happy suburban family-life again, and it was devastating. If there is one lesson in life that keeps repeating for me, it is the importance of being resilient. To roll with the punches of life and just keep going no matter what. But back then, I became a mean girl. It was empowering in a way and I "meaned" my way to the top. Crushing sweeter and kinder children with a simple look. At that age it's easy. You withhold approval. You *don't* smile when someone smiles at you. You act as though they are lucky to have you as a friend, and mean it. See how subtle it is? No teacher, no adult was going to call me on that. In fact I think most of them didn't even notice. I was still technically "polite". I still followed all the rules and made sure to get decent grades. I was part of a very small group of children who had been singled out for "Gifted and Talented" classes. So as far as the adults were concerned, I was a good kid. Little did they know, the poison that was festering inside of me. I made friends with the most popular kids in school, and proceeded to push one of them out of the group. -What a jerk. To this day, I feel bad about that. In a way though, I'm glad that I went through this phase because I can honestly say that I know what it feels like from both sides. I can understand it more, and I know that unlike what many parents like to think, there are no kids who are wholly good or wholly bad. Even a bully, can change and probably has many times. Our limited narrative on what a bully looks like is kind of like bad Hollywood writing. Totally one dimensional. We have these archetypes for bullies. But I think it would help if people realized that when it comes to relational aggression, often times the victims of it at different times in their lives, with different people, may be the perpetrators of relational aggression. This kind of dynamic is very fluid. 

Instead of focusing on making people bad or evil, it would be more *useful* to focus on teaching our children (and adults) the following:

1. Conflict is normal and OK, bullying is not. Conflict is a part of being human and interacting with other humans. As long as you are alive, you will have moments in life where you won't see situations the same way as others, where you won't agree, and where you will have conflict. The fact that there is conflict does not mean that anyone is "wrong", or "bad", or "mean". And I think that if people (adolescent girls in particular) understand that conflict is normal, and not a big deal, it would make it less scary when it happens. I've seen a lot of girls and women try to avoid conflict in ways that can be damaging to themselves (ie. Always playing the part of the good-girl, or sweetheart, when inside they are angry. Or people-pleasing, when you would rather do something different than what is requested of you.) -this kind of stuff always comes out, and it's better and healthier to be yourself and deal with it calmly, logically, and openly. Bullying is different than conflict, and if you need a deeper explanation of how, check out the link below for Part 2 of Holly Pederson's talk on relational aggression. 

2. We need to teach our children methods for resolving conflict, and then practice them. I include the practice part because sometimes people may have acquired knowledge (ie. through reading a self-help book, taking a class, or through advice from others) but if you don't put that information into action and consistently practice it in life, you will never master that skill. Mastery only comes from trying..and usually messing up a bit...but then you just keep going and try some more until you get it right. 

3. We need to teach people the value of being inclusive. I got this one from my grandpa. He was a kind and gentle man with a wisdom about people and human nature, that I have not seen to that extent again. He could make people feel special. Known. Loved. Part of the group. He was one of the adults who saw what I was going through during my stint as a mean-girl, and he loved me through it. Brought me out of it through kindness and just *showing* me every day, how to live, how to love, and how to treat people. How to lift them up. Who we choose to accept as "one of us" is entirely up to us as individuals. But I tell ya, this world would be a much better, happier, and more peaceful place; if we stopped putting everyone who was different into the automatic "other" category. We cast a vote in essence, with our praise, and with our warmth. I think about things like equal rights of minorities, women, and the queer community as key examples of things that would be vastly improved, if we only learned as a culture the value of being inclusive. You could easily chunk that up to a global scale and think about human suffering that way too. When we stop thinking in terms of us/them, and learn to be more inclusive, it will be harder to distance ourselves and *not care* about the suffering of others. 

Not all of us improve greatly, past the cafeteria mean-girl tactics of adolescence, but it's never too late to change directions. Below are some links to speakers who discuss this topic. These are some of the best speakers I've found relating to this topic. 

Holly Pedersen of Parents Place. (Ms. Pedersen is an expert in relational aggression who had developed programs to address the issue of bullying in schools): 

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Shane Koyczan's Ted Talk

High School Girls Discussing Relational Aggression 

Three Year Anniversary

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; 

what we have done for others and the world 

remains and is immortal."

Albert Pike

Dear La Suprema,

It's been three years since you've died. And I miss you every day. But things are going well. I'm learning to make my way in the world without you. It's been filled with a lot of hard and painful lessons. I had no idea how truly wonderful you were when I had you. Mainly because that was all I knew. I made the very silly assumption that the world was filled with people like you. -I was very wrong about that. You are irreplaceable. (sigh)

But! I am learning more and more, what it means to be an adult. It takes a lot of grit and determination. I think the nature of life is struggle. Rising and falling...and rising again. And learning to trust in one's own self. To believe in your greatness. I remember my whole life, I believed in you and rooted you on. And I couldn't understand how someone so wonderful and capable could ever second-guess their talents and abilities the way you did. But now I'm an adult. I'm in the "driver's seat" so to speak, and I get it. When you're in charge, and calling the shots, you also have the burden of risk and failure. And you have to learn to master your fears, and humbly keep going forth. Loving you has taught me how to stay the course when things are dark, when times are hard, and there's no *reasonable* reason to believe that things will end well. You've taught me how to become comfortable in the struggle. To laugh while falling and learning. And I am so grateful that you were my mom. I love you La Suprema. Every single day.

Much Love,
Your Daughter

Life Lessons on Handling Criticism

"To escape criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing." 

~Elbert Hubbard

What I know to be true...

That when you're too concerned with making a good impression, you almost never shine your true light. But rather, the act of being overly-concerned about other people's opinions, actually diminishes your light, and the clarity of one's thoughts and message becomes diluted in a people-pleasing-sea-of-nothingness. It is what I think of, when I think of the thin-plastic veneer...the cheap facade of the businesses world today.

That not everyone is going to like you. -And who cares! It is not your business to make everyone like you. It is your business to be clear, honest, and authentic. To take into account other people's feeling and to be fair and kind. But to always be *yourself*. As André Gide said: "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not."

That the world is filled with critics and people who will tell you how to do what you're doing better. That's not necessarily a bad thing. The true art of improvement begins with the ability to filter criticism and extract the *valuable* data, while leaving the *baloney* behind. Remember that you are a work in progress, and the limits of what you achieve are only set by yourself.

That *everyone* has a talent. Several talents actually...

That everyone faces obstacles in the course of their lives...and to just persevere and push forth.

That great leaders do not discourage, intimidate, or chastise; but rather teach, build, encourage, and inspire. The mark of a great leader, is the legacy of happiness, confidence, and flourishing growth that they've inspired in others. -The leaders that they've produced. In my many years, I've worked for great leaders and weak leaders. The best examples of leadership were those, who cheered on their worker's and encouraged them to develop in the direction of their dreams and personal goals; even if it meant, eventually, that employee would move on to a different company or position. Great leaders can share in your joy and growth, and welcome it whole-heartedly.

Your happiness will always be worth the struggle it takes to achieve it.

Sometimes the Best Quality People Go Unappreciated by the Crowds

My Grandma wasn't the kind of woman that everyone could appreciate. In a lot of ways, she was a hidden treasure. Not because she hid herself...but more...because the culture we live in doesn't tend to gravitate towards the quieter ones. She was amazing, smart, funny, and cool. When I feel the pressure of life pushing down hard on me, I think of her and try to emulate her. Sort of like "What Would Jesus Do?"...only it's more like "What Would Grandma Do?" (no offense JC...you're pretty cool too...it's just this old lady really had it going on).

Grandma was one of the younger children. She grew up in the southwest, on a farm. She had a bunch of siblings, most of them older than her. Her mother, was a notoriously hard woman. She was known for her fits of temper and rage. Her father, was a quiet man. Kind to his children. But submissive to his wife's anger. Cacimira had a right to be angry. Life had not been fair to her. She was smart. And as a child held much promise. But one day of acting out in school...a school where her father was the headmaster, shamed him so much, that he punished her forever. She was never allowed to go to school again. Never allowed to learn. To grow. To become what she could be. To become what she knew she had in her. Cacimira was robbed. And forced to live a life of hard physical labor. -Lack of education will do that. She was married off to a man (Santos) who would be kind to her, and who loved to read, but was also destined for a hard life of labor. They worked in the fields of many different farms. Bringing with them, their children, to work as well. School was a luxury. My grandma loved school. She told me stories of walking in the frozen, icy desert...walking in the dark for hours, so that they could go to school. In the Winter months, there was no agricultural work. So that was her time for education. She and her siblings would each get one hot potato for breakfast, and they'd carry it in their hands or pockets to keep warm on the way to school.

When Grandma was a teenager, her older sisters Nellie, Irene, and Gloria would go to the local dance hall on weekends. Compared to my Grandma, her sisters were glamorous women of the world. They wore makeup, and had shoes with 1" heels on them. -Not the farmer's work-boots my grandma wore. But one night, they took pity on her, and brought her along. Lord knows why!? They made it a game to make fun of Grandma usually. They called her "Piano Legs" because her legs were so long and skinny. She was skinny growing up. And she didn't have a very womanly form. Grandma speculated that perhaps one of her older brothers made them...or maybe it was their parents... for whatever reason, they took her. It was her destiny to be there that night. Because that was the night she met Henry, my grandfather. For him, making friends and being social came easily. He was a charmer. Everybody loved Henry. He spotted my grandma sitting alone at a table, in a back corner of the dance hall. My grandpa was the kind of man who always imparted to me the importance of being inclusive. So it's no surprise to me what came next...he crossed the room to go talk with my grandma. He lured her out of her shyness and asked her to dance. He didn't care that she didn't know how. He'd teach her! The main thing was, he didn't want her to feel alone. That night, he walked her home. It didn't matter to him, that there were at least a dozen other *prettier* girls there that night, all of whom could cut a rug better than grandma. -he liked her. And she liked him back. Theirs is the closest, I've ever seen to a "love at first sight". They spent the rest of their lives together. Very much in love, and dear friends, the whole way through. I hope that one day I will feel that kind of connectedness with my mate.

When Grandma got older, she had struggles with racism, and illness. No matter what came her way though, she was the most determined woman I've ever known. She kept her head high, wrote her goals down, prayed for god to watch over her and her family and friends, and for god to bless her with the right opportunity to change things. Most of the time, her prayers came true. All of the time they were answered. 

Finding Your Mom in a Box of Small Details

I'm finally emptying my storage units, and delving through all of my family stuff. I spent tonight going through some of my mom's old things. One box in particular had a bunch of old papers. Now I know some people would just trash it immediately...and believe me, I'm tempted to, but it just isn't in my nature to do so. I have to read it and go through it, and make sure that I'm not getting rid of something *important*. Now how I define *important* and how another person defines that term is definitely going to be different. But I'll tell you some of the things that I found tonight, that I don't want to forget (bear in mind, this does *not* mean that I will keep these things forever)...just that I have to figure out how to move through the physical stuff, and be able to keep the happy feelings and memories in my heart and honor them in a very real and tangible way in my daily life. Anyhoo...on to the things I rediscovered tonight:

An old receipt from the Sonoma Mission Inn...my mom, Grandma and I would go there a couple of days before Christmas. It was our tradition, to escape the usual hectic wind-up that everyone else was doing right before the holidays. We would say "If it didn't get done by the 22nd...then it's OK. Now it's time to go and relax and remember that the real treasures in life are ones of the heart...and we're going to spend some time together as a family, and enjoy just being together." And we would. We would take yoga classes, and relax. Go swimming at night in the artesian mineral water pool, breathe in the eucalyptus vapors in the steam room, get massages and order room service. We had so much fun. And after a couple of days of relaxation, we would come home and enjoy Christmas *without* the stress. It was a great tradition. One that I fully intend on reliving with my family.

I also found appointment cards from an expensive hair salon that my mom used to take me to. She always had great hair. It was one of the things that she shared with me. I was lucky to have such a giving and fun mom.

But I think the best thing I found was a notepad of my mom's. She had her basic "to do" list kind of stuff in it. Phone numbers. Appointments. Broken things that she had to fix, and what her monthly budget was. ...but then she also had her thoughts written here and there. Hopes, fears, goals, and even challenges. She was a young woman, much like I am today. It's kind of weird to see your mom as a *person* more than your mom. And I realize how much my mom sacrificed to have me. To raise me, and do right by me. She was not perfect. But she gave it her whole heart and she gave up a lot. So much of me is echoed in that notepad. I see things so much more fully now compared to how I was as a teen. But I remember how I used to believe in my mom, and encourage her...I just have to keep doing that for myself now. I miss you so much mom. I know I'll see you again one day. But tonight, I just want to say thank you, for raising me and loving me. I know it wasn't easy. But I appreciate how hard you worked and how much you loved me and just kept pushing yourself to be a mom but never lose yourself. Thank you for that. 

Millie Meets Mr. Piccolo and The Cute Boy

I got to see Millie yesterday! And it was so good for my heart. It felt like coming home. Isn't it funny how the people we love the most in life, have that wonderful feeling of *home*. Just holding them, smiling, and being in their presence, is like a thousand home-cooked meals, Christmas mornings, and fires in the fireplace all wrapped up in one simple hug.  The Cute Boy and I went to the dog park with Mr. Piccolo 

and afterwards, we stopped by the nursing home that Millie is in. We brought Mr. Piccolo in to meet her, and immediately, all of the old people in the living room perked up when they saw "the puppy". There were so many smiling and eager faces. Even the woman who runs the place, came out to see him. We went to Millie's room to visit. And she sat down on the bed and cradled Mr. Piccolo. He didn't squirm or try to get away. In fact, he just relaxed and settled in. He was tuckered out from all of his running and playing at the dog park. And there's something about the energy of old people. It's sweet and safe. Calm and comforting. Ceci knew that Millie's arms were a safe place to be in and rest, so he closed his eyes and took a nap. 

"I want a puppy." Millie said. It's a universal truth shared between children and old people -everyone wants a puppy. When you let down your guard, and are open to what your heart really wants...at the end of the day, don't be surprised if "Puppy" is on the list. 

I told Millie that I would bring him back to visit again. Some time this week, I'm going to go back and paint her nails. She was really excited about this prospect. I realize my nail colors are a little limited right now. I just got 3 awesome O.P.I nail colors from a makeup artist friend of mine who was clearing out her stash. But they're all unusual and youthful colors like blue and milky white, named things like "Club Scene Queen". "Club Scene Queen" -that would be perfect for Millie wouldn't it? ;) I'll bring all of my colors and let her pick whatever she likes. She's getting up there in years now; in her upper ninety's. I think a little metallic disco blue would be nice. 

Overcoming Obstacles: The Foreclosure & Being Robbed

So many things have happened to me since I last posted. I'm surprised that the blog has kept a fair amount of readers coming back. To those of you who just kept coming back, and perusing my older posts...thanks.

I wasn't exactly sure where to begin, with what has been going on with my life. And that initial "not knowing where to start"  quickly became overwhelmed and just deep-bone-tired. I didn't want to look back at what I had just gone through. It was too painful and too fresh. I just wanted to move forward with my life and just keep going. But even those intentions seemed to befuddle me. I've been waiting to write, so that when I did, it would be something positive. Something useful. I didn't want to seem like a sad or broken person. Or like someone who whined a lot or was constantly down. So I waited. I waited for the wisdom and the beauty of life to occur to me. I waited to see the deeper life lessons that could be gleaned from tragedy. I know they're there. But honestly. I am a little wounded. The things that I've been through *did* hurt. A lot. And they still do. Don't feel sorry for me folks, 'cause I'm making it through just fine. But denying the pain of it, just isn't helping me any. So it's time I just get back to trying to be real. The real me. With everything that entails. -Including being hurt and sad at times. So here it is: my childhood home, a place which should be mine today, was foreclosed on. The bank refused to speak with me, after my mother died, and refused to acknowledge me as the rightful owner. They wouldn't accept any payments from me. And in the end, stole my family home. A place, where my grandparents lived and died. A place where my own mom, lived and died. A place where in some ways I have lived and died a little too.

I never thought I would see this day; when my home was not my *home* anymore. The word "home" has so many connotations. And I've been struggling with it ever since the move. When my mother died, I struggled with it then too. I didn't feel like that house was home anymore, without her there. It was hard coming home to an empty house, with no one to greet me, and no one to love. The place that I live in now, is so different. The people are very different, and not very warm in the way my family was. So it's hard. I miss that. I miss feeling like "I belong" here, and that "this is my home" because my heart tells me so. My heart keeps telling me that this current place is not my home. It's just a temporary place. A tent in the desert..but not the promised land. I know that I should be grateful for what I've been given, and I am. I just also, feel very alone and adrift right now. And I *want* to feel that wonderful feeling of *home* again. The feeling of love, and warmth, and comfort. It has very little to do with the actual house really, and so much to do with the people. -I miss my family. Deeply. Every day.

I am loved. I know that. And I do experience joy, and happiness. But not in the same quantities or frequent daily occasions that I used to. Not to the same depths either. It's a hard adjustment to make. And I get stuck on how to appropriately express this grief, while not insulting those who actually do love me and are here for me. -I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I know that I do. Just by being sad, I do.

Somewhere in this whole ordeal, I was robbed. The robbers took everything of value. It's been several months since this happened, and the things that they stole that I was most upset about (my grandparent's wedding photo's) -which I'm sure they weren't *trying* to take, but unfortunately were stored with other things that they did want; have luckily been replaced! How can a wedding photo be replaced you ask? Well I'll tell ya! Luckily for me, in an old antique chest in the garage, my grandparents had ONE duplicate copy of their wedding picture inside the church

...and to my surprise...ANOTHER photo that was taken of them *outside* the church!

YAY! Awesome discovery!!! Also...since my mother was adopted, I thought for sure I would never get another copy of her birth parent's wedding photo...but because it was an adoption within the family (the woman I know as my grandma was biologically my great-aunt) there was a copy of that photo given as a gift to my grandparents. :)) YES!

So the most priceless things have been replaced. The diamonds, the gold, the money, the china, the furniture, the antique silver, my photography and computer equipment are all replaceable. Sure it won't be the exact same pair of earrings that my mom gave me, to remind me always that "you are special".  But it doesn't need to be. I know I'm loved. I know I am special. And I know that I will make it through this period of my life and onto greater things. And when I do...I am getting myself a pair of diamond earrings to celebrate. In the mean time...I'm back, I've got my fighting spirit back, and I'm ready to enjoy what there is to enjoy about life.

...Just for good measure...I'm including another awesome photo I discovered in the trunk:

This is my Grandpa when he was a little boy. The year is 1922. The woman with him is his mom, Edith. From what I've been told, Edith was a very loving woman. She used to make fresh whipped cream (whipped by HAND in those days!) EVERY DAY to go with whatever dessert she made. Talk about love!

Day Fourteen and Fifteen of the Juice Fast

Day Fourteen and fifteen...Well... I took a couple of days off. I had an IUD inserted yesterday. After being in a monogamous relationship for a while, and deciding that I really *don't* want kids any time in the next couple of years, I decided to go ahead and get an IUD inserted. 

IUD's have come a long way since the sexual revolution of the 70's, when they were relatively new in this country and the kinks weren't completely worked out. I recall my mother warning me to never get an IUD because they could cause infertility and all sorts of problems in a woman's uterus. -A truly horrifying place to have problems! 

When I went to my primary care physician and requested an IUD, she told me that I would have to sign up for a class about long-term contraception, be tested for Chlamydia (don't ask why that specific STI test is administered...It's just standard issue for getting an IUD, they want to make sure that you don't have *any* STI's but especially that one, as I hear it can cause inflammation in your uterus which is a particularly bad combination with an IUD.) And lastly, I had to make sure I wasn't pregnant. Then, once all of that was done, I could schedule the insertion for the tail end of my next period. They like to put them in then because a woman's cervix is most dilated after her period, which makes for a slightly easier insertion, especially among women who have never had a child (me!).The procedure only took about 15 minutes, but was one of the most uncomfortable few moments of my life to date. When the Dr. actually pushed through my cervix, I had to grip the table. There was this very sweet nurse who kept telling me to relax...that tensing up would make everything tighter and therefore more painful. She asked me what I liked to do to relax...I told her I liked to get a massage. So she suggested that I imagine that this was just like getting a massage. HA! That idea was so funny to me, I couldn't help but laugh. Yes...this is *exactly* like getting a massage...in my uterus...by a stranger...with a speculum, and an IUD insertion tool. Yep. Just like a day at the spa. ;p For the briefest of moments, I thought "Geeze if this is how painful it is to have something as small as a pea go through your cervix, I don't want kids!" I mean, I cannot imagine how painful that would be. When it was done, the Dr. did an ultrasound to make sure that the IUD was in place, and then I was free to go. I felt nauseated and crampy. On our way out to the car, the Cute Boy held my hand, and said he really felt for all of the pain and stuff that women had to go through. "You women do a lot. You have to go through a lot. I'm thankful for all that you do.". Hearing that made me feel better. It was comforting to have a teammate who appreciated the physical sacrifices and responsibilities that women go through. I know, I have a good man. 

When we got home, I made some horribly inedible tortillas and had a small bowl of beans. Then I fed my hockey puck of flatbread to the dogs, and relaxed with a heating pad. I could feel the tissues around my uterus were inflamed and hard, and I marveled at the fact that my uterus (an almost imaginary thing to me...like unicorns, and the tooth fairy) was actually real...AND it was exactly where they had always told me it was. I've never had a baby, never felt anything grow. or push. or stretch there...so to actually feel it (my ute) was kind of amazing and cool. 

So I took yesterday off from the juice fast and just recovered and relaxed. That extended into today, as I was still feeling a bit crampy and tired. But tomorrow, I'm back on it. At my weigh in at the doctor's office, I discovered that I had lost another two pounds. Which is all pretty encouraging. I'm finally beginning to poop normally and feel better from the inside. So progress is still coming along, and I feel pretty good about that. 

Things I learned today:

1. It's OK to take a break to take care of yourself.
2. The Cute Boy continues to impress me and I feel very happy with him by my side in life.
3. If I didn't have health insurance, getting an IUD would have cost me somewhere around $1,000 -for something that is little more than a small piece of mass produced plastic with a little string attached! I think it's completely crazy and just flat out wrong that women often times have to inequitably shoulder the expense, the responsibility, and the pain of contraception, childbirth, and child rearing. There needs to be a cultural revolution to change this. 

Day Thirteen of the Juice Fast

Today, I cooked. I'm still juicing today, but I felt in control enough to actually set to work in the kitchen and make two big pots of ox tail stew with fresh pinto beans. They're on the stove right now cooking over a low simmer, and should be done in about three more hours. I haven't made this recipe since I was a teenager, but I felt confident that I could still make it from scratch, seeing as it was a general staple in my house growing up. My grandparents, who are originally from the Southwest and lived for many years in Colorado, had a large pot of this on their stove year round. It's actually a pretty healthy and tasty dish. It's filling and provides a lot of plant based protein, so I'm making it for my Cute Boy to nosh on while I continue on with the juice fast. 

For dinner, I also made him some light fluffy scrambled eggs and oatmeal buttermilk pancakes. I'm freezing the rest so he and the 'mates can have quick easy healthy breakfasts available. 

Now one would think that all of this cooking would send me into a rabid food frenzy, but strangely, it's just the opposite. I love to cook. Moreover, I love to feed and nourish the people that I love. It makes me feel good to take good care of them. I will admit, it's a comfort to me. It's one of the more pleasant memories and habits that formed over the  many years I spent caring for, and fattening up my terminally ill mother. And now that she's gone, it comforts me to be able to cook for others. I guess in some way, some part of me, imagines that she is still here somewhere...waiting for dinner. :) (Oh how I wish!) But even though she's not here to taste the food, I can still picture what she would say if she were here. She'd smell the fresh garlic and onions cooking, and turn the stew with the ladle to see how it was coming along. And right after her first bite, she'd say with enthusiasm "MmmmMmmm Mmmmmmm!" And now, the Cute Boy does it; and that fills my cup with love. 

An interesting side note about juicing in the midst of a kitchen full of tasty rich smells and food...the freshness of the juice was actually very nice. And I found myself happy to have it instead of something heavy. 

Things I learned today:

1. Juicing continues to get easier. 
2. Cooking gives me comfort and helps me de-stress, even if the food is not consumed by me. 
3. My heart needs people to love and people to feed. I guess this means I have the soul of a true cook. :)

Day Twelve of the Juice Fast

Day Twelve...and admittedly, I wasn't feeling the greatest today. My acid was up and I ended up puking at the end of the day, after struggling not to for several hours. Also, my skin is breaking out today. I find it hard to believe that this is all from yesterday's free day...but I think it is. :p 

The Cute Boy and I stocked up on fresh produce, and less acidic fruits and vegetables for tomorrow's juice. in the meanwhile, I took my acid suppressor today, and I plan on making my juices slightly more vegetable and less fruit to cut down additionally on the acid. 

On the plus side, I found myself cooking today. I'm not going to eat any of it, but I realized after a slightly stressful day with the dog trainer and hounds...and getting chastised for my lack of control over my dogs, I was completely frazzled and stressed out. I needed to unwind. Now normally when I feel this way, I would make something delicious to eat and have it. But since I've been on the juice fast, I've stayed largely away from the kitchen and food, unless I was preparing my juices. I like to cook though. It's relaxing for me. And the absence of it from my life these past weeks has been building up stress. Mainly because I haven't started developing alternative means of de-stressing in my life. So...I've got to work on that. -Tomorrow, I'll put some thought into it. But right now, I'm thinking walking the dogs, bike riding, and going to the gym are good ways of relaxing instead of cooking and eating. 

Tonight, however, I put the oats and buttermilk to soak over night for the pancakes tomorrow morning. And I also cleaned and sorted a big bag of pinto beans, which are currently soaking over night as well. The Cute Boy is going to have some tasty/healthy grub come tomorrow. 

Things I learned today:

1. Yeah...I can eat whatever I want on my free days...but I should know by now that if I eat junk food, my body will only spaz out on it and create nausea inducing stomach acid. Next time, eat light.
2. Cooking has been a way for me to relax all these years. 
3. I need to find better methods of relaxation that are not so food oriented. 
4. When all else fails...take a nap. You'll feel better, I swear.

Day Eleven my first free day

I'm counting this as day eleven of my juice fast, even though (yes I know) I was not juice fasting today...this was my free day. Since it's past midnight here...I am back on the juice fast.

So free day. I know that this may be a touchy issue with some of you. There are a lot of people who say that you absolutely MUST break a fast in a certain way. Some common advice on how to "properly" break a fast that I found on the Internet is:

• Make the period of time that you take to gradually reintroduce foods into your diet approximately half the time that you were on the fast. So, since I've been juicing for ten days, that would be a five day period to slowly break the fast; during which, I would be slowly introducing fresh fruit and vegetables, then light foods like soups, broths, and smoothies. 
• Don't rush or eat a large heavy meal.

As far as I can find, the worst thing that will actually happen to you if you don't follow this advice is flatulence, nausea, constipation, stomach ache, vomiting and diarrhea. ...And I was willing to risk it. I had cravings that would only shut up if I promised that I would eat some pickles, root beer and a taco today. Going from pretty much eating whatever I wanted, to just fresh fruit and vegetable juice was amazingly difficult. And I only came this far BECAUSE I allowed myself this free day. Now I'm not good at restraint. This is a skill that I am learning and building within myself, so who knows where I'll be with this down the road? In a few weeks or months, I may feel differently about this. But this is a journey that I will experience first hand. And right now, I need my free days. I don't think I gained weight today. But I also know that I didn't lose any either. So free days are basically a wash. They serve as a way for me to take a break from the austerity of fasting and also allow me to continue on for longer periods of juicing. (At least..that's what I think of them today.)

So what did I eat? -Everything. I had: an egg sandwich, 7 Pizza Bites, 3 Bagel Bites, a taco, a bean burrito with extra onions, a grilled cheese sandwich, HALF a jar of pickles, two liters of diet root beer, a slice of pizza, some jalapeño chips, a sip of cherry icee, and a handful of skittles. So all in all a pretty horrible day diet wise. It tasted great but had almost no nutritional value. But what I was really testing out was how would my body respond? Would I be doubled over in pain? Would explosions of diarrhea come flying out of my ass? The answer is: No. I was fine. I felt pretty much the same. Not tip top yet, but not horrible either. I did notice that I got full with much less food. Nothing too dramatic. A good example would be dinner; it had been about 3 hours since I had eaten, and I ended up having one slice of pizza for dinner (and I couldn't even finish the slice!). Now granted...this is a monstrously large, deep-dish, Chicago-style pizza. But still...before this juice fast, I could have easily eaten two slices, plus a salad. And now, I was full for the rest of the evening on one slice. This is not too bad. I had a lot of different foods, but most of it was in very small portions. I pretty much grazed my way through the last twenty-four hours, and my tummy is no worse for the wear. I think this may be because I am in a way still digesting and drinking juice, so it's not like my body is going from complete nothing to digesting a shoe. I plan on trying a more traditional "break" from the fast in the future. I'm curious to see how it will fare compared to today?

Things I learned today:

1. Contrary to what many, many, many people will say on the interwebs; you CAN break a fast and just start eating. Nothing truly horrible happens. The worst that might happen is an upset tummy and some gas. But even that doesn't always happen. I do think that the more traditional way of breaking a fast, slowly, and by gradually introducing small amounts of lean healthy foods into your diet, probably IS the best way to do it. I'm just saying that if you don't do it that way, and just rush out and get some Taco Bell...nothing really happens. At least...nothing really happened to me. Who knows about you?
2. Nathan's Kosher pickles are not only delicious. But they also only have 5 calories each, making them an awesome guilt-free snack. 
3. Towards the end of my free day I actually did crave juice and fresh water. 
4. My eyes are always bigger then my stomach. 

Day Ten of the juice fast

I made it through day TEN! YES! 

The last few days, I've been pouring over the Internet adding new pins to my Pinterest "Food" board. It's become an amalgamation of fresh healthy food and heavenly cardiac arrest food. One of my favorite new sites that I found was http://norecipes.com; upon which I found the egg sandwich image on the right, which inspired me to want to make it. 

This evening, the Cute Boy and I went shopping in preparation for tomorrow's free day. OMG! I had it all planned out...I wanted to make an egg sandwich. My eggs, would be my masterpiece. I was going to really take my time making them. I was going to enjoy this. I was going to slowly whisk together fresh eggs with milk, butter, salt and pepper. Then cook them over low heat so that the eggs get extra fluffy and creamy. Then...there was supposed to be a light buttery croissant, cut in half, upon which would sit my perfect eggs, and smooth meaty spears of avocado, fresh diced tomatoes, and a sprinkle of Diamond Kosher Salt on top to bring out the flavor of the avocado and tomato. UGH! I had really thought this out. But then...the store was out of edible avocados. They had some that were beat up and mush, and then they had a bag of rock hard ones...which would not be ready tomorrow. Now at this point, looking back, I can see what I *should have done* was get what I needed, and then go to a different store for the avocado. Duh. But what I ended up doing was chuck that idea completely and I headed to the frozen food aisle, where I got a box of sausage egg breakfast croissants. 

Along the way...I also picked up fixin's to make my famous oatmeal buttermilk pancakes! Everyone in the house is looking forward to a pancake breakfast tomorrow...with freshly squeezed OJ. ;) I also got a package of Bagel Bites AND Totino's Pizza Bites. I haven't had Bagel Bites since I was a kid, and I've never had the latter before but the cravings that I've been having have driven them to the forefront of my imagination. The strange thing is, under normal circumstances, I know that I wouldn't be buying the pizza bites. Egg sammich -yeah guilty. That is one of my most favorite comfort foods in the world. Oh...I also got some bread and cheese to make grilled cheese sandwiches...and some peanut butter in case I felt like making a peanut butter and marmalade sandwich. I honestly don't know what I was thinking...except that I wanted to "eat all the food" and I couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to have. As we loaded up the groceries, I told the Cute Boy that he would probably have to eat most of this stuff by himself, after my free day. He understood and was willing to take that bullet for me...cause he's awesome like that...and this shit tastes good even if it's not good for you. By the time I got home, I realized what a blessing this shopping trip really was. I'm not too worried about the next few days. I know that I'm going be fine having a free day and then getting back on the juice fast again. What I did realize though  was how I was going to have to actually "practice" planning, shopping, and cooking healthfully. So most definitely, towards the end of my juice fast...I can see clearly that I'm going to work in cooking. I also see the value in the free days because they're not only pressure release valves, but also very valuable test runs for my life after the fast. So clearly...I've got a long way to go before I have a handle on these things. But I am working on it. and gleaning all lessons (both intended and accidental) along the way. 

Things I learned today:

1. Free days are excellent test runs for the real thing: aka. life after the juice fast.

Day Nine of the juice fast

Holy smokes! One more day to go, and it's my free day!!! :) I am in the home stretch here! Yes! Today was actually pretty easy. I woke up early this morning, even though I went to bed late last night. And for the record...this is the ONLY daylight savings time "Spring forward" that I have ever enjoyed. I usually feel a little robbed losing an hour. But since it came during my juice fast this year...getting one hour closer to my free day is A-OK with me. :)) 

Apart from some minor acid this morning, I felt great! My energy was good today. It seems that as this fast goes on, I find myself waking up early in the morning, wide awake, *with* energy. It's something that I remember from childhood...but has largely eluded me in adulthood. I feel perfectly rested, and like it's just *time* (as in my body feels like it actually is eager to get up). At first, I fought this feeling. I was sure that I needed more sleep, and would try to actually go back to sleep. But as it keeps happening, and the volume on my daily energy keeps getting turned up more and more...I'm beginning to realize that this is a side effect from the juice fast. 

I feel pretty good about my plans for food and protein intake. And I plan on posting pics as soon as I go out and get some batteries for my camera. 

Things I learned today:

1. Red juice (from beets, red cabbage, kale, and apples) is a little fun AND gross to drink while watching "The Walking Dead" (it's my favorite zombie show on TV!)
2. Planning for ultimate victory, includes planning for some treats along the way, and a healthy long-term diet. 
3. That *not* being completely austere about this is a part of my long-term success. 
4. It feels really good to keep the juicing station I've set up in the kitchen clean and ready for action at a moments notice. I've set up a nice large butcher block cutting board. On it, I keep a chef's knife, and the cleaning tool for the juicer; and next to that is my juicer and salad spinner for washing greens. 

Day Eight of the Juice Fast

sSo yesterday was day EIGHT! And I made it through! I even sniffed my housemate's pizza, and admired how nice it looked. OK so I know that sounds silly...and like I MUST be jonesing for a pizza if I'm *sniffing* it like a drug...but I just wanted to enjoy the smell. with out having to indulge in the actual pizza itself. -And I did! Being able to pass on foods that would usually send me spiraling into a mass craving attack is a skill that I am *actively developing* in myself...and that's pretty cool as far as I'm concerned. This kind of stuff has historically NOT been my forte. But I'm getting better at it and learning so much through this juice fast. 

All in all, the juice fast it's self went really well yesterday, and was one of the easiest days so far. I had very minor cravings, which were easily re-focused and re-directed. I enjoyed the taste of my juices. And overall felt really well. I did have a moment of sadness, when someone posted this meme on Facebook about moms. It went like this: 

The last part about being willing to give everything up for my Mom to be here with me really got to me. I realize in a way, I have given everything up, but that doesn't bring back a loved one. The tears welled up inside of me and poured out, as I contemplated all of those adult years ahead of me -a vast stretch of time to me, where my mom wouldn't be around. I grieved the loss of the adult relationship, that we will never have the chance to have. And there's some really good stuff there. It makes me sad to think about all of those milestones and victories that my mom will not be here to share with me and my family. I miss her so much. And I love her so much. Where ever she is, I love her bigtime. Man...I WISH that I could go over to my mom's house and see her. I WISH that when I get married some day that my mom would be there laughing, dancing, and celebrating with me. (So I guess I'll just have to imagine that that's what she's doing in heaven on that day.) I WISH that she would gently and proudly hold and sway and dance with her grandchildren and tell them how loved and how beautiful they are and how proud of them she is. I know my mom well. I know, that if she was alive and healthy, if her disease had never taken her life, that she would be doing all of these things. I miss her so much. She had a kind of magic and love that I really miss. 

Anyhoo...I just want to say...that this diet isn't a magic cure-all for never feeling sad again. I did feel very sad. But I also, cried and let it go, and then felt better. -So no *depression* after feeling momentarily sad. Which is pretty effin' cool! I also didn't go running to food to comfort myself. Which was also very cool. 

Yesterday, I got a chance to talk with one of my best friends about the juice fast, which was really nice. She had so many good questions and we talked back and forth about our mutual issues with food and cravings and how we relate with food. She inspired me to keep making positive strides towards my good health. Let me just say, I LOVE talking with my friends about things like this. I get so much feedback and learn so much from what their experiences are. Plus, many times, they have a perspective that is a little bit different from mine, and they teach me the things that they have already learned. -Which is very helpful. So thanks! :)

After our chat, I got on the interwebs and started looking at YouTube videos of other people who have done juice fasts. Wow! There are a lot of them out there. The thing that struck me about quite a number of them, were the unhealthy pallor that many of the juicers took on after doing extended juice fasting. Their skin did NOT look like mine. In the last week, my skin has become markedly better. It's more radiant. It's not perfect by a long shot, but I can tell over time, that my acne will be much better after doing this for a few more weeks. A lot of them had also lost substantial muscle tone -which is something that I want to avoid at all costs. I have a long history of weight lifting. It's something that I really enjoy and I plan on not only maintaining the muscle that I have, but on building more of it while doing this juice fast. One more thing that came up while I was looking at these videos was the strict and restrictive approach that many of these people had. It was like they expected to consume nothing but juice for 30, 90, 100 days...and then eat nothing but raw fruits and vegetables. Which struck me as totally crazy and untenable. No wonder so many people aren't able to stick to this for long. My goal is to keep on doing this juice fast until: 1. my GI Tract issues are resolved. I want to be off of my medication for these things, I want to feel good in my body, no more intestinal or abdominal pain, no more vomiting, no more chronic diarrhea, and I would like for my labs to be normal.  My secondary goal is weight loss. I want to be healthy. So far, I am well on my way to achieving all of these goals and it feels good to be making progress in a positive direction in my life. But I really have to come up with a plan for my juice fast. I am nearing the 10 day point. My initial goal when I saw the "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" documentary was to just juice like the truck driver until I was in shape. But after a few days, I switched my goal to doing 10 days. At which point, I will have a free day and then get back on the juice fast. I am tossing around a few ideas and am trying to figure out how I want to do this. What I'm thinking about doing (and most likely will) is incorporating several ideas that I have learned over the years, from "Body for Life" and also my years as a McDougall vegetarian. 

So...from "Body for Life"...I'm pretty much going to do the whole weight lifting and fitness regime. Weight lifting 3 days a week, and doing cardio on the off days, with one free day a week, where I don't have to exercise AND I can eat WHATEVER I WANT for 24 hours. :) I'm building up slowly to this goal and beginning with walking the dogs and going to the gym 3 times a week. Eventually I'll get up to 6 days a week. The idea of a free day seems so important to me though. I remember that it really helped me stick to the diet before. It was like a little mental trick, I knew I could eat healthfully because all I had to do was make it to Sunday and then I could have whatever special treat I wanted. And one day of eating what you want, will not stop weight loss. If anything it makes long-term healthy eating something that is actually *doable* because you have space for cravings and eating what ever you like without judgement or feeling bad. It's like a planned pressure release, so that I don't feel "deprived". The other thing that I was thinking about is doing one week of juice fasting, and one week of eating McDougall and juicing, and switching back and forth. I may end up doing this if simply juicing feels too restrictive. But I'm setting this up as the perimeter of my diet, so that I can fall back to it as a contingency plan if I need to, but also so that I continue on with my juice fast in some way. One other thing that I am thinking about is incorporating soy-based protein shakes because I really DON'T want to lose muscle. I don't want to end this thing looking gaunt and pale and like a good stiff wind will knock me over. I want to be radiant and healthy. Strong and full of energy. So, if I notice that I'm losing muscle, or if building muscle becomes too hard on this diet (which it *may* because I'm not eating very much protein...there is *some* protein in some of the vegetables that I am juicing...but who knows if it'll be enough to maintain healthy muscle tone?) I guess we'll just have to see and make adjustments as needed to address the issue of muscle building. Anyhoo...these are the things that I'm playing around with in my head. But I want to come up with a clear plan so that I am not just at the sway of my momentary instincts/cravings. So I'll be thinking about it. And have the plan in place by the end of day 10...which is TOMORROW!!!! YES! I am so excited. 

Things I learned today:

1. Juice tastes SO much better with a few ice cubes in it. Room temperature juice just isn't the same.
2. Talking with friends makes juicing easier and is a good way of getting feedback and ideas. My friends have a lot of wisdom to share. I bet yours do too!
3. The cravings really do get easier.
4. I'm paying more attention to the emotional connection to eating now. And noticing how stress cues my body to eat comfort food. -But not any more....I'm also noticing how I can change that, once I am aware of it, and the underlying emotional causes. SWEET!
5. I have to have a plan that includes enough protein to build muscle. Period. 
6. I also have to have an eating plan that is something that I can enjoy long-term. 

Day Seven of the juice fast

I could hear a strange grinding coming from the kitchen. My normally powerful juicer sounded like it was going toe to toe with a tree stump. 

"Are you breaking my juicer?" I could hear the motor grinding in the other room.

"WHAAAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU." [he shuts off the motor] It's all right. Don't worry.

a few minutes later the Cute Boy enters the room bringing me my juice. "How is it?" he asks.

"Ugh. It's bitter. What was that noise in there?"

"Oh some of those pears you bought were really hard and were getting caught in the juicer."

"Pears??? I don't think I bought any pears?"

The Cute Boy goes into the kitchen and emerges once again holding a small, hard, unripe mango. And that would explain why this morning's juice is horribly bitter. I decide to roll with it. I'm going to just drink it quickly and wash it down with some water. On the plus side, it has instantly killed any and all cravings I've had for other things. I love my Cute Boy. He may not know much about produce, but he's learning, and he is so loving and sweet to me, I find myself laughing with him and enjoying the ride daily. Anyhoo... back to juicing. The green mango made the juice today extremely bitter and I'll just say it...was the kind of fiber that kept me running to the bathroom several times today. So noted. Check. No more green mangoes...unless you're constipated. 

For much of today, my cravings were at bay. They really came up when I took a walk past some restaurants around dinner time. OMG. BIG MISTAKE. I made it home to find one of the menfolk chowing down on a large sandwich...the scent of roasted meat wafted up to me and tickled my tummy. I drooled over his sandwich and headed to the juice machine. I brought out my arsenal of fruits and veggies, and took a look at my composition before I juiced it. It was beautiful. Such a large array of colors! I juiced them together and poured my green juice into my glass. It tasted fresh, and made me think of being on vacation in a tropical place. After just a few sips, I was back in control. I'm realizing that I'm going too far between juices. If I juice regularly I don't get hungry and want to binge on...EVERYTHING. But if I go too long (more than 4 hours) then I feel tempted by things that I can handle otherwise. I was actually hungry when this happened and it was the only big craving that I had today. I'm  wondering if I increase the number of juices that I make will the cravings diminish even more? (I think so...so I'm going to try that tomorrow.) 

Things I learned today:

1. Never ever juice an un-ripe mango. Period. 
2. It's better to err on the side of having too many juices then not enough. Keeping your body fed and satisfied really helps diminish cravings and helps you stay on track. 
3. All of the times that my Grandpa smiled warmly and ate our bad food or drank our bad coffee...and then thanked us and told us how good it was...and encouraged us to keep cooking...leading to our *eventual* culinary skill. -He did that because he loved us BIGTIME. And I'm glad that he taught me that skill. Not every juice that we've made so far have been "good". I've made a few, where the Cute Boy smiled and told me how good it was. And when he made me the green mango juice today, I had to do the same.