Interring My Mother's Ashes

This year has been a year of painful transitions for me. Things which I never thought would happen, have come to pass. And it's been hard on all of us. Next week, I will be laying my mothers ashes to rest. I've purchased a plot, in the same cemetery where my grandparents have been buried. MacArthur and I went there a couple of days ago. I can't exactly remember the last time I went to visit my Grandparents graves. But I remember doing it a lot with my mother. We would go, and bring flowers. Sometimes we would just go and lay on the grass together and look up at the clouds in the sky, and let our hearts do the talking to our ancestors. I feel strange this week. Tense. Kind of like that "deep bone ache" that my podiatrist was warning me about...only it's not in my recently healed bones...it's a feeling that I have in me. Deep down in me. My heart. My mind. The fiber of my being.

 I promised my mom that I would not hold onto her ashes forever. I would like to have them buried before the 1 year anniversary of her death. My Uncle Courtney asked that I wait till August, so that he could be here with me to bury my mom. I've waited. The waiting has been hard on me. It feels like dying slowly. The pressure of all of this unfinished business...grief that hasn't stopped flowing...has been very heavy on me this past year. I'm looking forward to interring her ashes and finishing up her headstone. I think it will give me a small bit more, of that peace which I am searching for. Uncle Courtney can't make it in August. But he will be here in September. By then, the headstone will be cast and in place. In a way, it seems better this way. In a way it seems so much more like what it was like when she was alive. In the end, again, it will be she and I.

I miss you so much mom. And I don't know when my heart will stop hurting. When breathing will become easier. I don't know when the memory of your illness will fade...and all that will be left are the good times. But I want that. I want it so badly. I feel myself grasping at life, trying to come back to life myself. But so far, it still hurts. I still can't believe that you're dead. I can't believe that everything has fallen apart. I don't know what to do. I am afraid of my life. It hurts so much without you. It feels like the center of my heart is missing. I wish you were here. If you exist...where ever you are...I hope that you are happy and loved. I love you, and I will love you forever.