Every Flower Must Grow Through Dirt
Relational aggression is when a person commits intentionally hurtful acts, that can damage another person's standing among their peers, and their feelings of acceptance or self-worth. -Think Mean Girls. Often times it is subtle, sophisticated, and easy to miss; which is why many people aren't aware of it. In the adult world, it can manifest as cruelly judging and putting-down a friend or co-worker; or alliance building with the intent to exclude one person from the group, etc. There are loads of ways that it can manifest. And in honesty, it's not limited to just women. Men do it too, but in my experience to a lesser extent.
My first memory of relational aggression was in elementary school. I remember third grade, Mrs. Shane's room. There was a new boy who was transferring in partway through the year. Many of the other kids in class had already known him from past years, and there seemed to be a consensus that he was not liked. He was a bully. But the way that our class "welcomed" him seemed to be a bit of the same. -Someone put a thumbtack on the seat of his chair and he sat on it. I'm sure it hurt both physically and emotionally. From the first day, he was marked as an outcast. It was strange to see these normally friendly, kind, and inclusive children gang up and turn their backs on the new kid.
In fifth grade I spent a period of two months, after my mother's divorce, as a mean girl. It was how I handled the pain of losing my family. Of going off to summer camp, only to get a letter informing me of the divorce. I never saw my house, my dog, my brothers and step-father, my friends, my school, my happy suburban family-life again, and it was devastating. If there is one lesson in life that keeps repeating for me, it is the importance of being resilient. To roll with the punches of life and just keep going no matter what. But back then, I became a mean girl. It was empowering in a way and I "meaned" my way to the top. Crushing sweeter and kinder children with a simple look. At that age it's easy. You withhold approval. You *don't* smile when someone smiles at you. You act as though they are lucky to have you as a friend, and mean it. See how subtle it is? No teacher, no adult was going to call me on that. In fact I think most of them didn't even notice. I was still technically "polite". I still followed all the rules and made sure to get decent grades. I was part of a very small group of children who had been singled out for "Gifted and Talented" classes. So as far as the adults were concerned, I was a good kid. Little did they know, the poison that was festering inside of me. I made friends with the most popular kids in school, and proceeded to push one of them out of the group. -What a jerk. To this day, I feel bad about that. In a way though, I'm glad that I went through this phase because I can honestly say that I know what it feels like from both sides. I can understand it more, and I know that unlike what many parents like to think, there are no kids who are wholly good or wholly bad. Even a bully, can change and probably has many times. Our limited narrative on what a bully looks like is kind of like bad Hollywood writing. Totally one dimensional. We have these archetypes for bullies. But I think it would help if people realized that when it comes to relational aggression, often times the victims of it at different times in their lives, with different people, may be the perpetrators of relational aggression. This kind of dynamic is very fluid.
Instead of focusing on making people bad or evil, it would be more *useful* to focus on teaching our children (and adults) the following:
1. Conflict is normal and OK, bullying is not. Conflict is a part of being human and interacting with other humans. As long as you are alive, you will have moments in life where you won't see situations the same way as others, where you won't agree, and where you will have conflict. The fact that there is conflict does not mean that anyone is "wrong", or "bad", or "mean". And I think that if people (adolescent girls in particular) understand that conflict is normal, and not a big deal, it would make it less scary when it happens. I've seen a lot of girls and women try to avoid conflict in ways that can be damaging to themselves (ie. Always playing the part of the good-girl, or sweetheart, when inside they are angry. Or people-pleasing, when you would rather do something different than what is requested of you.) -this kind of stuff always comes out, and it's better and healthier to be yourself and deal with it calmly, logically, and openly. Bullying is different than conflict, and if you need a deeper explanation of how, check out the link below for Part 2 of Holly Pederson's talk on relational aggression.
2. We need to teach our children methods for resolving conflict, and then practice them. I include the practice part because sometimes people may have acquired knowledge (ie. through reading a self-help book, taking a class, or through advice from others) but if you don't put that information into action and consistently practice it in life, you will never master that skill. Mastery only comes from trying..and usually messing up a bit...but then you just keep going and try some more until you get it right.
3. We need to teach people the value of being inclusive. I got this one from my grandpa. He was a kind and gentle man with a wisdom about people and human nature, that I have not seen to that extent again. He could make people feel special. Known. Loved. Part of the group. He was one of the adults who saw what I was going through during my stint as a mean-girl, and he loved me through it. Brought me out of it through kindness and just *showing* me every day, how to live, how to love, and how to treat people. How to lift them up. Who we choose to accept as "one of us" is entirely up to us as individuals. But I tell ya, this world would be a much better, happier, and more peaceful place; if we stopped putting everyone who was different into the automatic "other" category. We cast a vote in essence, with our praise, and with our warmth. I think about things like equal rights of minorities, women, and the queer community as key examples of things that would be vastly improved, if we only learned as a culture the value of being inclusive. You could easily chunk that up to a global scale and think about human suffering that way too. When we stop thinking in terms of us/them, and learn to be more inclusive, it will be harder to distance ourselves and *not care* about the suffering of others.
Not all of us improve greatly, past the cafeteria mean-girl tactics of adolescence, but it's never too late to change directions. Below are some links to speakers who discuss this topic. These are some of the best speakers I've found relating to this topic.
Holly Pedersen of Parents Place. (Ms. Pedersen is an expert in relational aggression who had developed programs to address the issue of bullying in schools):
